It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

More Mets Related Bad News

2012-01-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

...is certainly on the way, but it's not as though I've stopped blogging! You can catch what my mom calls my genius in small doses by following me @itsmetsforme on Twitter.

Yes, I should have told you loyal readers a year ago that I was doing this, but, well it's embarrassing. Anyhow, your subscription money is in a safe place and I can assure you that the effects of recent legal eventualities will not affect my baseball operations. Texting and Facebook are fads so you want to get on that Twitter right away: it's where the action is. And there are plenty of great writers delivering quips and quotes about the Mets over there, so it won't be a total waste. It's where friend of the blog Alyssa Milano regularly shares pictures of her sandwich art. Also Twitter hides tiny cameras on your dinnerware so they can watch you at all times.

Do the Metz have a Reyes of Hope for the Future?

2011-11-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

Omen or Oh man? Jose's Threads Join Krod and Beltran in the Mets Clubhouse Reduced Rack

This is going to be an odd off season. The Mets are firing staff, the brass is making noises about cutting payroll. And yet fans still hold out for a Reyes return. So I wanted to share this sad picture with you.

Talk about blowing the whole thing up and Sandy-fying the roster is still just talk. For instance, if the Mets believe that moving and painting the walls will matter, then it doesn't make sense to trade Wright this winter before seeing if the renovations ignite the slugging percentages. Or more likely, the Wilpons will have just added more empty, expensive seats to the empty expensive seats they already have. But I won't be shocked if a rebuilding project is the new reality. Let's get some pitching at least.

A Mets Fan's Humble Contribution: Revenue Raising Ideas

2011-10-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

Now that the hated Cardinals and their disgusting Molinas are back in the World Series and we know they will somehow win because that's the way it goes for Mets fans, it is time to give up on baseball for the year. After another triumphant year in the history books for the Mets franchise, I vote we turn the page and re-focus our energies on the "next year" we are always waiting for. The Wilpon/Saul team seems likely to retain ownership, so my dream of a fresh new start is forestalled. I now realize that class warfare isn't right, and we all need to pitch in to help these millionaires get things done. So instead of the usual unhelpful complaining that has dominated this space in years past, I decided to come up with a four point plan, one that I like, to add to the budget and perhaps even fatten the Wilpon wallets in time for the winter hot stove. First thing's first: the Mets need some bankroll. Here are my suggestions:

1. Advertisements on the empty seats: Much has been made of how the Mets lucrative advertising partnerships, for instance with "Send in the Clowns" party rentals, reflect a certain business savvy you just don't see every day. It's time to take the next logical step. Start with the Mets main asset: Thousands of attractive, empty seats. In any given inning, most fans at Citi are waiting in the Shake Shack line and the rest are watching football in the Caesars Club. Moreover, by the end of the next season, the Mets may be able to make more on seat advertising then they can make actually having a person occupy the seat. The Mets control the TV cameras, and SNY viewers are already used to lengthy broadcast interludes where they do not see any action on the baseball diamond. So the seats can be rigged with mini billboards promoting baseball relevant brands, or perhaps dynamic flashing light patterns that sell car insurance. And in the off chance some fan should show up to sit for some reason, don't panic! There is the easy workaround of throwing an advertisement tshirt on them while the camera rolls. All this adds up to sure-fire revenue.

2. Sell part of the team to a local celebrity: This should be obvious. With New York City's star power, I'm sure Saul and the boys can find a celebrity willing to invest for the opportunity to get sweet tickets to see the Yankees play in the Subway Series? If they hit up Jay Z first, and work their way down to Beyonce, the ownership is sure to find someone willing to guarantee seats to see the Yankees when they come to Citi.

3. Date Mr. Met mascot outreach program: There are a lot of lonely single New Yorkers. And there really is only one element of the Mets product that remains popular with the fans. The Wilpons would be advised to monetize it and sell dates with Mr Met. Fun chants like "Does the carpet match the drapes?" can be directed at Mr Met. A sexy singles night, maybe featuring a wet t-shirt cannon, could heighten the fan experience as well. And Mr Met is already aroused. I think I've said enough.

4. Downgrade mascot: However, if #3 doesn't pan out (or if it works too well), the Wilpons are going to need to go a different direction. Mr Met costs something like $35,000 a season in upkeep, and frankly, this money could be going into player salaries for the kind of players Anderson is looking at. Or at least some risky financial scheme. After cutting ties with Mr Met, the Mets can either promote from the minors, or have Kevin Burkhardt deliver his incisive comments in the bottom half of a chicken suit while spending the innings entertaining fans.

Odds and Ends: Just Like the Wilpon's Finances and PR Strategy

2011-05-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Wilpolooza Continues...

*Sports Illustrated and Tom Verducci seem to have gotten scooped in terms of Fred Wilpon bombshells. Freddy's comments on his team's finances in the SI piece are more frightening--downright dire--but his musings on his players are muted:

Speaking about the Mets' prospects of improving with a smaller payroll, Wilpon said, "If we're fortunate enough, [catcher Josh] Thole can be the kind of player we think he can be. [First baseman Ike] Davis keeps progressing. Whoever is at second base progresses as a young player. The shortstop [Reyes] -- I know there's a great question about whether we can keep the shortstop, so we're preparing for that if that should happen. [Third baseman] David [Wright] we hope gets on track. [Outfielder Jason] Bay is good guy and a professional. Pagan comes back and he's not a totally expensive guy. Beltran will be elsewhere. We hope [Fernando] Martinez can take that spot. Now, he's fragile but he can hit."

Thus far, Fred's magazine tour is going swimmingly. Looking forward to what Popular Science, Juggs and the National Review can drag out of Fred in the coming months.

*You can listen in as Jose Reyes tries to answer the media with limited English skills: "He's the boss, he can say whatever he wants." Is the team shitty? "I don't know, because we believe in each other in this clubhouse." He doesn't care for an apology and...he can't "put too much stuff in his head."

***

Camera Kid doesn't deserve this shit.

***
The Freddy Fiasco is overshadowing a few important developments elsewhere on the interwebs, like:

More evidence that Lenny Dykstra was always bat shit crazy, as rediscovered by America's most well known teen exploitation/sports blog.

Statistics. If you're curious about the currently most popular way to evaluate defensive performance, check out this primer on UZR.

Gary Carter's situation, which we will know more about on Thursday.

Right Says Fred? Schmuck in New York Reveals Next Stage of Met's Blogger Outreach Program

2011-05-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

2012 Mets Slogan revealed

Before I weigh in on the latest Fred Wilpon-related shit storm, let me request that you wake me when Saul "LOL" Katz does a profile in a literary magazine; it is my understanding he is the brains behind the operation anyway. Or, as we now know, he has the big balls behind the organization.

First, some optimism. One take would be to ignore the bluster and outrage from the Met fanboys and girls and believe that Fred Wilpon's off-hand comments quoted in the New Yorker this week revealed not how out of touch and impolitic he can be, but the organization's commitment to blogger outreach. Fred is more sophisticated than we give him credit for, cleverly using the hated mainstream media to send blog hits into the stratosphere. Thank you Fred! Thank you!!

On the face of it, it looks like Freddy acquiesced to a participating in a largely sympathetic, positive profile that could help refurbish his image in light of the lawsuit ("I can see this team sucks and our stars have been disappointments and maybe I could have eased up on the Dodgers stuff when opening Citi"), then made the mistake of being quoted at games speaking a snide version of the truth. Jose Reyes' bizarre injury history will probably scare away the big dollars, David Wright's star has dimmed, and Carlos Beltran's contract, at least in terms of time lost to injuries, has been a disappointment. None of this, even his less than loving assessment of Beltran, is that controversial if you see it from the owner's perspective: on the field Beltran has been a revelation but injuries have made the contract much less valuable than it could have been. That is sacrilegious perspective, but pretty much true. Of course, good luck finding a Met fan that won't lay the blame on the Mets' brass, Citi field architects, medical team, and ownership for the Apple Core's disappointment.

The fan base, particularly emotional after the first ritual humiliation by the Yankees of the season, is not taking this too kindly. The more rational commentators are pissed too. Chief lobbyist Adam Rubin interprets it as a "pathetic" Wilpon taking shots at his stars summing it up thus: "Wilpon decides to mock nearly all of his top players, while comparing his team to a pile of poop." James K at AA has had it with the Mets dragging down their best players as though they were responsible for the Mess: Wilpon is a disgrace.

What is most difficult about being a critic of the Mets is that the team itself, through its various representatives, constantly outflanks those trying to make the case against them. There is almost no way to stir controversy about this team by making an outrageous, unfounded criticisms. Think Fred Wilpon is a buffoon? Here's some proof! Where is the fun in that?

The Mets seem to be on the constant look out for more egregious, embarrassing, and ponderous ways to humiliate themselves and their fans, be it essentially taking TARP money to sponsor their stadium during the most dire financial crisis of our lifetimes, accusing their critics in the media of wanting to join their organization, backing down when their "closer" who commits a violent felony in the family lounge, or searching for the biggest bus to throw their players under. The Wilpons pride themselves on their judgement of character, yet their star pitcher might be a rapist, their closer is a violent felon (did I mention that already?), their de facto banker is serving a 150 yr. sentence, their clubhouse manager seems to have been a common criminal...you get the picture.

The Wilpons can't do anything right, but when they're wrong, they make it count: even the circumstances of their firings are ignominious. In a sad, sick way, that is what makes the contemporary Mets such a fascinating study. But that doesn't make it surprising. What is really new here in the latest Wilpon blunder? What should we worry about? Well I'd say the following:

As far as the past goes, we now know that the Mets paid Carlos Beltran based on his performance with the Astros during the playoffs. First of all, this revelation, if Fred is to be believed, adds to the sheer contingency of the Mets landing the gem of the Royals; we already know that Beltran offered his services at a discount to the Yankees, who foolishly passed. Now we know not only that the Mets could (theoretically) have got Beltran for less, but that they evaluated his potential acquisition not on his remarkable performance over time but on some sensationalized playoff results.

In terms of the future, we can probably say that Fred's comments mean that it is less likely Reyes will be re-signed by the Mets. If I had to guess, it's not necessarily because Jose will feel insulted by Fred's comments and that will sway him or provoke him to go out and get "Crawford money"--players listen to the money most of the time and the Mets should have enough to pay him--but because the top of the Mets hierarchy harbors doubts about Reyes' value. You could read Fred's comments as laying the Mets cards on the table before a negotiation scenario, but I'm not feeling optimistic as I was before that Sandy Alderson's judgement would rule the day as far as Reyes' future with the Mets goes.

As CSTB notes, it is unlikely that Fred's recent bumbling will impact the Mets' ability to attract free agents in the future as long as they are willing to overpay. So maybe it is Alderson's tenure that Mets fans might want to consider when condemning the Wilpon regime. First, would Alderson's administration survive an ownership change? For many Mets fans, Sandy Alderson and his moneyball pals represents the only hope for an intelligently run organization, rebuilt and competitive, in the near future. For better or for worse, the Wilpons and this hope may be tied together. But I also wonder how Fred's comments will impact Sandy's process. In one interpretation, they may be giving him cover to make some very unpopular decisions in the near future. In another, they could be a signal to Sandy to start mentally packing his bags and escape this situation as soon as possible.

***
I think the Mets blargosphere should at least try to repay the Mets for all the hits our on-line diaries will get this week as fans shake their tiny fists and get OUTRAGED, so here is my modest contribution. How could LOL Katz and the Mets brass spin this article? Here is an alternative interpretation, based on some overlooked details in the New Yorker article:

*You love Mookie Wilson? So does Fred!
*You think the Mets are a shitty team? So does Fred!
*Are you cheap enough to buy senior citizen tickets to a movie when you're a millionaire? So is Fred!
*Did you share a room with your sister growing up? So did Fred!
*Confused by Japanese dining? So is Fred!
*Don't like bunting? Neither does Fred!!

You're welcome, Jay Horowitz.

Odds and Ends, in Honor of the Mets' 2011 Rotation

2011-05-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

In a lost season such as this, fans and media are going to have to find something to discuss. The Alderson regime's impending dismantling of this sad sack group of underachievers, following an off-season of benign neglect, is on everybody's minds. The question that sells papers and banner ads is when Sandy's fire sale will get underway. Jose Reyes' looming free agency seems to be this week's story: will Sandy be able to or even want to re-sign the impish on-base challenged oft-injured human embodiment of the joy of baseball? In light of the team's finances and current basement residency, there is probably no reason for optimism that Alderson will make the kind of investment in Reyes needed to keep him. Now that the shortstop is healthy, his season is shaping up to be classic Jose with all the good and bad that entails. Old media might exagerate his bone-headedness, but the some of the younger commentator/enthusiasts out that there want to stick their heads in the sand about Jose's occasional lack of focus also have a creditability problem.

For the old guard's perspective, here's the Post's Mushnick:

* For all his talent Jose Reyes, at 27, still too often approaches the game like a T-Baller.
In the second inning Saturday, Reyes was picked off by the catcher because he paid zero attention as he meandered back to first. In the seventh, score tied and Reyes on second, he was thrown out at third on a ball hit to . . . shortstop!

Ron Darling, on Ch.11, spoke the self-evident: Inexcusable, “at this point in his career.”
Still, we’re told that Reyes’ enthusiasm is “infectious.” Is there a doctor in the house?

As much as it will pain me to watch Reyes work his magic for another team and then sign with the Yankees next season, I have to guess that Alderson has realized the Mets can finish in last place just as easily without Jose and will try to get some useful pieces for him at the trade deadline this season. This despite the fact that Alderson has noted that Mets fans "do not seem so disillusioned when cheering for" Jose. (Isn't that something?) I won't be surprised if Alderson rebuilds this team in his image once the finances are sorted out. Isn't that what we want?

***
Is it me or is it nearly f$#@! impossible to find a simple recap video on MLB's website? They break the damn games into a million highlights, I guess to appeal to all those baseball fans with a short attention spans (?!?) No one wants to see this piecemeal bullshit. The recaps need to be front and center, not buried or hidden amongst useless game fragments. But as with most things MLB, I can only shake my tiny fist because the MLB doesn't give a rats ass what its customers want.

***
When will MLB fans get sick of being gouged? Pretty soon.

***
Is any pitcher afraid to face David Wright, representing the tying run with two out in the bottom of the ninth? Why?

***
These Mets do pretty well against other lousy teams. But last place seems to suit them.

Support the National Brain Tumor Society Just By Going to Citi

2011-04-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Think about supporting a good cause by buying tickets to a baseball game in late May using the link below. Yeah, you have to watch the Mets in all probability get taken apart by the Phillies, but it is still baseball, and if you attend in this way, there'd be a point to your suffering.

When:

May 28, 2011

7:10 PM

Here is the announcement, via the National Brain Tumor Society website:

Join us for a New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies game for brain tumor awareness! Tickets are available for the Pepsi Porch Seats (which includes Caesars and Promenade Club access) or Promenade Reserved Seats.

A portion of each ticket sold will benefit the NBTS when purchased through the following link: www.mets.com/braintumor

Selig to Appoint McCourts to Takeover NY Mets

2011-04-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

"It was either this, or prayer"

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig topped off a busy week of meddling on Friday by appointing Jamie and Frank McCourt as trustees of the NY Metropolitans. "It is clear to me both that the Mets franchise is in need of rescue, and the McCourts deserve a second chance," said Selig in a prepared statement, "and there really are no other options in any event." Major League baseball, according to reports, had tried for some weeks to find a competent entity to take over the daily operations of the Mets franchise, but had made no progress until the McCourts were freed up from their roles in running the Los Angeles franchise. "This one is a no brainer, even for a guy who presided over years of obvious substance abuse in the national past time, made countless children cry, and once called an all-star game a tie," said a spokesman for Selig. Selig conceded that, informed of the plan, the Mets previous management team had its reservations, but he argued that "the Wilpons admitted privately that they really have no idea how to win or turn a profit," and pointed to the Dodgers continued on-field success amidst chaos as evidence of the McCourt's savvy.

In a statement to the media, the McCourts expressed optimism and gratitude for the second opportunity. Frank McCourt said that "honestly, we were hoping to take over a more stable franchise like Toronto or Pittsburgh," but the parking lot baron noted the fine work of the former management under the Wilpons to use their TARP funded stadium to celebrate a former Dodgers star. Looking around the Citi field rotunda, McCourt indicated to reporters what he called "the perfect spot for a Sandy Koufax statue." Jamie McCourt added "we think running the Mets will really strengthen our relationship because we won't need to worry so much about accountability" and "plus there is really good shopping just a few minutes away from Flushing." According to sources with knowledge of things, the McCourt's priorities include "fixing the ridiculous dimensions of that park," relaxing restrictions on fan alcohol consumption and violence, wooing Manny Ramirez out of retirement, and "getting Ron Darling on some kind of weight loss and flexibility program." Paul DePodesta could not be reached for comment.

America loves a second chance.

What's My Opinion of Tulowitzki's Performance? Collins Needs to Go All Lasorda on Us

2011-04-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Does this man hold the key...to our entertainment?

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that the Mets we have seen so far (somehow worse than ever) are the Mets as they truly are, give or take a false-hope inducing streak or two. Let's also admit, that to put it in the most sensitive terms possible, the Mets are finally "rebuilding." The D'ohfense is streaky to non-existent as usual. The defense is laughable to uninspired. Their ace is injured and some significant portion of the fanbase has deluded itself into believing that a journeyman knuckleball pitcher, refined as he may be, can backbone this same sorry sack of losers into contention. The Mets won't be spending any money soon and the team could very well be sold. And it is probably only a matter of time before the management starts to float the argument that the team can finish in last place just as easily without David Wright and Jose Reyes. The consequence of these lean times is that we are going to see some awful baseball this season, and perhaps even experience a new level of misery when the Mets rid themselves of their best players. That is not entertaining.

Tommy has helped us before.

So what can we hope for in the way of entertainment? I submit that "fiery" new Mets ~~fall guy~~ manager Terry Collins holds the key to any satisfaction Mets fans are likely to enjoy this year. What I am calling for is some cathartic ranting, some truly out of control tirades from our manager. Does screaming at the players, media or fans raise the team winning percentage or accomplish anything at all? Of course not. But, in an important way, Terry's ass is covered because there is no way any one is going to say this team has "quit" on Terry, not with the start the team has gotten off to. To "quit" you have to actually start, start playing baseball in this case. What kind of screaming yelling, reporter demeaning, buffet attacking awesomeness would I like to see from Collins? For inspiration, Terry need look no further than Tommy Lasorda whose colorful rants can and should be sampled here. Some fans hated it when Jerry Manuel would woo the beat reporters with his maniacal cackling, but funny stories might just help us get through the next few months.

Yer 2011 Mets: Boyer Dey Bad

2011-04-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Goats Galore!!

This team is looking more like a team that can't even meet the drastically diminished expectations we have for them. After nine games against their main competition in the NL East, we see most of the same qualities we recognize from the past few years. Plus, the starters have been bailing early and the relief pitching hasn't stepped up, probably because they're not capable. Terry Collins didn't endear himself to fans Sunday leaving Duda in right field when the big defensively challenged lug seemed a candidate for defensive replacement. Duda might be better off carrying a bat into right field than a glove.


Maybe this guy was the culprit!

Either way, Mets fans can be forgiven for wishing this mediocre team could just blow games in regulation time. The sad performances in winnable games make me frustrated. The extra innings just make me mad. No one is throwing in the towel yet, but that might be because none off us can muster the energy or enthusiasm.

Not a "Real" Fan?

2011-04-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Maybe you missed this story, but the picture above is of a Giants fan who dared purchase tickets and attend a game in enemy territory. Santa Clara paramedic Bryan Stow suffered a severely fractured skull and damage to the frontal lobe of his brain when he was attacked in the Dodger Stadium parking lot last week. According to the reports that we have, this all happened because he was wearing Giants gear. This is just one example of what is fucking shameful about our nation's past time.

I heard on the radio that the traumatized family has made a statement to the effect that the appreciate the support they have received from Dodgers fans since the incident, and that the assailants weren't "real" Dodger fans.

Unfortunately, I need to report that in my decade of attending games at Dodger Stadium, the aggressive violent attitude is exactly reflective of "real" Dodger fans. I once attended (naively) a Dodgers-Giants game sitting in the cheap seats and watched horrified, while Dodger fans--once known for their detached mildness-- taunted and pelted two groups, an old man with a Giants jacket on and a couple with a baby sitting next to them in the seat, with various items and beer. Did I throw my body in the path of the projectiles? No, but I did write a letter to the editor of the crappy local paper the LA Times (which was ignored).

Maybe it is time for all of us to do a little more. It is unlikely we are going to get help from the individual clubs or Major League baseball. The Dodgers, for their part, want us to believe that these acts were the acts of lone thugs, not in anyway representative of Dodger fans. Of course, they want no part of responsibility for crowd control in their own parking lot (this despite the price of parking at times over the last 10 yrs. at times eclipsing the price of actual seats). But stadium security at Dodger Stadium has been a joke for years and years--useless teens in the parking lots, ineffective and oblivious dopes "watching" the stands. The Dodgers don't want to spend the money on an extra security presence, it is as simple as that and as a result, I don't feel remotely safe there. And Dodger fans--once known for showing up late, leaving early, and being generally disinterested-- have been increasingly accepting of boorish, and even violent behavior.

Bud Selig, that joke of a commissioner, should take this seriously and kickstart an effort to change the atmosphere at games. Since Selig probably doesn't have the intellectual wherewithal to do this alone, I offer the slogan, "Reclaim the Game" (from the animals) as a starting point. If you need pictures of animal fans for the campaign, just google "average Philadelphia Phillies fan." You're welcome Bud.

What can be done? In my opinion, the implied or open threat of violence at many baseball games across the country is something that should appalling to all baseball lovers. The ranks of fans are filled, just like the ranks of humankind, with drunks, boors, and amateurs who look towards an evening at the park as an opportunity to bother others and act out their violent fantasies. It is these people that we baseball lovers should scorn, criticize and let know that we think their behavior is more suited to gatherings among their kin, state penitentiary, or wrestling events.

Clubs want to make money on alcohol sales, no matter how irresponsible that might be. They also want us to imagine the ball park as an oasis from the rat race and a place for family fun. They also want us to show our colors by purchasing preposterously expensive team gear. What do we ask for in return? The magic of live baseball. When we give franchises a pass on security, or laugh at these assholes chants and provocations, or look the other way when they threaten others' physical security, how are we not complicit in this horseshit?

Cole Hamels ERA 20.25

2011-04-06T00:01:00.000-07:00


Phillies' OG Ace Assumes the Position

Questek for Your Baseball Library: New York Mets 50 Amazin' Seasons: The Complete Illustrated History

2011-04-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

When the 1962 Mets were 0-9, a psychologist writing in the New York Times weighed in on the inner life of the new team's fans: "becoming emotionally involved with them is a kind of masochism. A kind of painless flagellation."

We now know that the prescient doctor had that half right: it is flagellation but it is by no means painless. Matthew Silverman's handsome new volume New York Mets 50 Amazin' Seasons: The Complete Illustrated History (MVP Books, 2011) can be seen as a celebration of the good doctor's naivete, and perhaps fuel for the silly hope at the core of every Met fan's psyche.

The book would be great to page through after one of the dispiriting loses characteristic of the waning years of the "New Mets"era, letting the thereputic memories of Seaver, Keith, Alfonzo, Olerud, and Robin wash over you. Or Mookie, the Kid, Tug and Rickey if that is more your taste. Or, more ignominiously, Nails, Kaz, Anthony Young, and Mr. Koo.

Silverman does a nice job arranging reproductions of team ephemera and high gloss photos around a smooth narrative of Mets history. Occasionally, he captures key Met moments with eloquent economy, such as the "long winter" that followed the Mets loss to the Yankees in the 2000 World Series where devastating memories are "recurring images flickered in darkened bedrooms late at night." Or explaining Cleon Jones' dark 1973 and the story behind his mutiny against Yogi Berra over an unrevealed injured leg taping: "The stubborn Jones did not tell his manager, and his manager drew a line in the sand, which the Mets hierarchy soon stuck their head in."

The layout is pleasing to the eye, the text peppered but not cluttered by info boxes, and there is a handy all time record book in the back of the book. When "meaningful games" return to Flushing during some future fall, perhaps fueled by the players in the book's last few pictures (Ike, Dickey), we now have a coffee table book up to the task of placing our small successes in their historical context, while tempering our enthusiasm.

Verdict: If you don't have a coffee table, you may want to get one so you have somewhere to put this beautiful book. (Note: don't buy a glass table since after all you are a Mets fan). The book can be purchased on Amazon.

Los Angeles Mets Fans Gather for Safety, Enjoyment

2011-04-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

Things don't always go this great for LA area Mets fans.

Life in Los Angeles can be brutal. For instance, temperatures this weekend may dip down into the 50s. There is no really good pizza. Plus you could go to Dodgers Stadium and be shot, stabbed, or get the crap beat out of you for wearing the wrong cap. But if you are a Met fan in the Southland, you have to know there is a hearty band of Los Angeles area Metropolitan aficionados that, against all odds, gets together most Sundays to root for Fred Wilpon's second favorite team together.

Dodger fans are vicious and brutal and their howls scare the children.

The Greater Los Angeles New York Mets Fans Sports Bar Club, now entering its fourth year of fellowship and futility, will be having its inaugural meeting tomorrow. So come brunch and watch the powerful Met offense score in bunches against the stinking Fish of Florida.

When:
Sunday April 3, 2011
10 AM

Where:

Barney's Beanery

1351 3rd Street Promenade Santa Monica, CA

Opening D'oh: Mets Are Bucked

2011-04-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

The Mets will need to deal with NL East superstars like this guy

The season is one game in and the Mets are already in midseason form--shaky defense, absentee offense, and good-but-not-good-enough pitching. And now we can look forward to reading about the Phillies' gritty triumphs and the impending departure of Jose Reyes all season. There's a lot of baseball left, of course, but tonight at least, that seems like a grueling proposition. Even in a season of diminished expectations, it is going to be tough to watch this team suck wind in the same old ways. The Phillies, Br*ves, and Marlins are all better than the Mets for sure, but the Mets should be able to give those Natinals a run for their money.

Beltran in 2008: "We are the team to beat."
Beltran in 2011: “We’re going to surprise people, that’s for sure.”

***
As we wait for a better outcome, we still do have Omar Minaya to kick around a little. The Mets retain Omar as a fan, even if he is still clueless:

“Look, obviously, Luis Castillo and Ollie Perez didn’t work out,” he said of the second baseman and pitcher who were finally cut adrift this past month, at considerable ongoing cost. “But I can’t tell you in retrospect I wouldn’t have done it,” he added.

***
This kind of crap has no place in baseball. Dodgers fans are pretty terrible for a west coast team, but the stadium's crowd control and security has always been an embarrassment.

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We want a hit. A charming expression of the timeless Met fan refrain Jon Springer has recovered for your listening pleasure.

Sterling Enterprises Announces New Partnership: Financial Worries in the Rearview Mirror Says Wilpon

2011-04-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

For Mother's Day/Breast cancer awareness day!

Ending months of speculation regarding the Mets financial situation, the Wilpon Family proudly announced today that they are partnering with Bumpernuts.com in an effort to raise capital in order to continue the proud family tradition of Mets ownership. As Jeff Jr. Wilpon, who headed the negotiation team, explained, "We feel the really low expectations of Mets fans--thanks to our family's history of baffling management decisions, corporate malfeasance, and general incompetence--really gave us cover to make a partnership deal that would embarrass most major league franchises outside of Kansas City and Florida."

Mets mascot gets behind his team!

"Looking around the marketplace, truckballs seem to be just the thing," Wilpon continued, "a perfect match with both the esteem in which Sterling enterprises is held in the financial community, and real value of our franchise. With this new revenue stream, Mets fans can ease their minds that the franchise will remain safely under the Wilpon family control for ever."

The Mets were mum on some of their future plans, but did release several high gloss photos of the possibilities for leveraging the fine Metropolitan brand in the near future.

Artist conception of possible product synergies

The Wilpons look towards a future of lucrative automotive related product development

Goin' (for) Broke: Have You Heard the Good News?

2011-03-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Take a break from fretting about Carlos Beltran's knees to recognize the spectacular times we live in. Yes things are so crazy that Will Leitch actually gets the Mets (partially) right in his latest paid writing enterprise. In "The Moneyball Mets," uber-blogger, founder of the leading sports exploitation/humiliation website, noted Mets-no-nothing, and Phillies ass fetishist argues that going broke may be the best thing that has happened to the Mets in some time. Raising and dismissing the possibility that Sandy Alderson was baited and switched (i.e. had no warning of the financial cloud that sits over the franchise) when he agreed to take over, the article suggests Alderson could remake the Steve Phillips/Omar Minaya Mets along the lines the "moneyball with money" model followed by the Red Sox.

One thing is clear: the Mets have the right management in place to face the next few years of almost certain financial malaise. Decisions made under fiscal pressure, and made by far more savvy planners, may just be the thing to finally align the performance of NY Metropolitans franchise with their large market spending clout.

The other positive way of looking at this: if the Mets are in as deep shit as reports suggest, the Wilpons might have to sell the club. You know, dropping value, surging losses, potential legal ruination. The only calamity yet to befall the befuddled Wilpons is a global shortage of orange and blue dye. But even a more cash poor Mets still need to put fannies in the seats, and if they do end up doing something stupid and Minayan to address this reality, I sure hope it is a big contract for Albert Pujols, who can play out his post-steroidal golden years in Flushing for all I care. (Leitch once predicted as much.)

***
Everyone has their favorite Oliver Perez Met moment. Here is mine:

H/T Oh Murph

Long Natinal Nightmare Just Beginning

2011-03-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

God is not a Met fan.

The Washington ~~Generals~~ Natinals have just signed Oliver Perez to a minor league deal.

And with that statement, I return to regular Mets blarging. My pursuit of this vocation has suffered from catastrophe-inspired lack of inspiration regarding the Mets, numerous professional turmoils, and also having lost the password for this blog. We have a lot to catch up on in time for the cavalcade of mediocrity that is sure to be the Mets 2011 season.

Mets Make Off-Season Moves to Improve (Legal) Defense

2011-02-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

Is a Potsie scheme coming into focus?

Perhaps sensing that Metsfans are the only constituency who will accept at face value the idea that the Wilpon's incompetence could outweigh their mendacity, the Mets have started harassing me over the email with protestations of innocence regarding the Madoff lawsuit affair:

The Trustee's lawsuit is an outrageous "strong arm" effort to try to force a settlement by threatening to ruin our reputations and businesses which we have built for over 50 years. This is a flagrant abuse of the Trustee's authority and we will not succumb to his pressure. The conclusions in the complaint are not supported by the facts. While they may make for good headlines, they are abusive, unfair and untrue. We categorically reject them. We should not be made victims twice over - the first time by Madoff, and again by the Trustee's action.

The Wilpons may be involved in a Potsie scheme here, thinking Madoff was really cool just because he said: "Aaaaaaaaaayy." In any event, the legalese in this email strikes me as reeking of desperation. After what they done to me, I have a hard time thinking of the Wilpons as victims, at least a harder time than I do sympathizing with folks like Elyse S. Goldweber who lost their entire retirement savings. But is this whole thing one more bumbling episode in the Wilpon's reign? Or a catastrophe that may lead to a Wilpon endgame?

The Mets three wisemen: what will they do next? (Photo: NY Times)

As far as I can see, it is entirely possible that in the coming months we will learn the Wilpons were in on the fraudulent scheme, as the lawsuit alleges. Compelling information could come out that the Wilpons were not the victims they have painted themselves as. I can easily imagine a whistle-blower emerging any minute now--surely someone in the Wilpon's employ must have seen something sensational that would get them a couple of bucks from the NY Post. Such revelations would be the kind of mother of all public relations disasters for owners that seem to have mastered the form.

It is also then possible that the Mets will need to be sold to a (hopefully more competent) ownership group, and potential buyers from the sublime to the ridiculous have started to poke the media.

"Martin Luther King Jr. died for the common man to do better in his life"..."That sort of legacy is going to take hold here." --Larry Meli, TV executive in group with MLK III interested in buying the Mets.

What are we to make of this quote? It is either highly offensive to the MLK legacy, or highly foreboding for the Mets future, I think. I guess there are worse owners than the Wilpons out there somewhere, but I admit to being curious about whether new blood would lift the 25 year dark cloud from over this franchise.

Some of my wonderful readers have been helping my self-esteem by clamoring for new winter content, but I really have no clue where this is headed. Is Madoff going to be remembered by Met historians as the man who broke the Mets, or the man who liberated the fanbase from a mediocre ownership? I ask you here: what do you guys think is going to happen?

Fifty Ways Lose to Philly: A Reply to Mark Simon

2010-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

To show that no good deed goes unpunished, I want to take this opportunity to supply something that might sober up the well-meaning Mark Simon, who methinks has had a little too much eggnog. Over the past 3 years, we have seen the Mets lose in every conceivable way and some that were not so conceivable. Now that that the Alderson administration is in place we can look back and laugh. Can't we? Here I present, inspired, as everything I do, by this immortal post...

50 Ways the Mets Lose to Philly (and everyone else)
sung if necessary to the tune of Paul Simon's Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover (1975)...

Get triple-played, Dave.
Watch things get hairy, Terry.
Utley touches 'em all, Paul.
Mets wiff at Halladay, Bay.
...and take your base free.

Watch 'em trade for Lee, Gee.
Reyes OBP takes a dip, Chip.
Drop a pop fly, Guy (Conti).
Slip Wright a mickey, Dickey
...and rebuild again.

Misuse the pen, Dan Warthen
Play the field like hell, Oberkfell
Build a weak roster, George Foster.
Ollie's on the lawn, Pagan.
...and trade the core.

Get shut down by a Cuban, Rueben.
Eat too much pre-game Gouda, Duda.
End the game with a K, R.A.
Management fail, Hale.
...and leave fans unhappy.

Get beat by Shane, John Maine.
Hurlers can't hit a barn, Parns.
On the final day at Shea, Reyes.
No hit through seven, Nick Evans.
...to bad to believe.

Santana gets hit unholy, Thole.
Mets LOOGY has nada, Tejada.
that Howard's a beast, Niese.
Surrender to the Fish, Misch.
...and take your base free.

Top 10 Possible Mets Jobs for Omar Minaya

2010-12-18T11:16:00.000-08:00

Omar Minaya, only recently relieved of his duties as Mets GM after what some believe is a stunning reign of error, is back in the news. Reports are surfacing that Minaya will meet with Mets GM Sandy Alderson next year to discuss a potential new role in the organization that is still paying him as far as I know. With Alderson at least pretending to search for a spot in the Mets organization for the beleaguered ex-honcho, we have to start the speculation. Will Minaya take his talents back to Flushing, and can the organization survive such a misstep? Here are just a few possible titles Minaya might be offered, to get the conversation started.

10. assistant to the Assistant Regional Bumbler

9. Bobby Bonilla liaison

8. Citifield visiting team bullpen groundsman

7. (new) head of promotional video, ticket sales division

6. coordinator of fan zen training program

5. Mr. Met fluffer

4. Shirtless executive trainer/Saul Katz speech writer (part time)

3. Oliver Perez contract (currency to lollipops and hugs) fulfillment officer

2. Terry Collins tie selection committee/personal shopper

1. Kevin Burkhardt location scout team leader

As a loyal employee, Minaya takes the cake.

Welcome back, Omar!

OK Cerrone Cerrone Whatever Will Be Will Be

2010-12-17T01:56:00.000-08:00

Of all the things we could be blogging about, the Mets are the most painful.

At the risk of coming off as flat and off-putting as a Michael Jordan t-shirt commercial, I'm gonna make one last foray into the Met-a blogger access debate, one that has now joined by none other than the godfather of Mets blogging, Matthew Cerrone, yesterday on his prominent website.

I have to say, I take mild offense at Cerrone's post, not because I think that in addressing this topic, he should have acknowledged my small, immature gag blog, or taken my argument seriously, but because instead he managed to link to Andy Martino, who recently swore he'd cover spring training in a grape smuggler. That smarts, man. Fair or not, the subtext I'm getting is that he doesn't get out of bed to interact with you unless your circulation is impressive, no pun intended.

I'm going to go ahead and link to him, show his writing some love with the 3 to12 hits he'll now doubtless get from my curious reader(s) and extended family (heavy snark) to try to repay his magnanimity over the years to his blogging colleagues (no snark).
Matthew Cerrone, you're welcome (lite snark).

Yes, I took some subtle and juvenile shots in my last couple posts (I'm dangerous like that), but by and large I do not like to criticize my fellow maternal cellar dwellers. In fact, for the little it is worth, I have often defended Mr. Cerrone in chats and on blogs from what I see as personal attacks. His blog was the main inspiration for me to start my own electronic diary, as I'm sure it was for many, so I want to be clear that nothing I say should be taken as ignoring his accomplishments or generosity. Plus, I don't know him personally--he seems like a swell guy. Cerrone is unquestionably one of the 3-5 most important figures in Mets blargosphere history, but this also makes what he writes that much more important. I think he can take the criticism of a novelty sports blog is what I'm saying.

So I want to talk about his post, "Mets, Blogs, Media and Access" and since this is an asymmetrical encounter (as Matt mentions, he gets "3.5 million page views per month" whereas I have somewhere north of 350,000 in total--I think this means that I'd have to blog for 50 years to get the number of hits he gets in a month, but you do the math) and Matthew ignores my argument (that we need to pay special attention to access issues because the ascendancy of blogs has undermined the old sources of authority without providing new ones) altogether anyway, I will confine myself to a few, probably wasted, words on the main points in Matthew's post, which for my money is as wrong as Roger Cedeno in center.

First, I'd say his post exhibits a fundamental misunderstanding--chalk it up to a willful naivete, or impenetrable ideological commitments, only Matthew knows for sure--of the way power works. Much of his response to the access issue reads as though it was written by someone stung by past unfair criticisms, and I don't think this is unreasonable on his part. As I said, much of the flak I've seen directed his way in the last five years is off base. But here is some flak I think his writing deserves:

1) Web 2.0 blarg!

Content in the world of Web 2.0 is a meritocracy, and so if the majority of my readers didn’t feel I was honest or authentic enough as a Mets fan, and I no longer fulfilled something for them, if my harshest critics are correct, people would have stopped reading, MetsBlog would stop growing, and people would find a new blog to read.

Sorry this just strikes me as unadulterated ~~bullshit~~ Kool Aid drinking. I'm willing to listen to arguments about meritocracy and be persuaded, I suppose, but the fact that I can't think of a single human pursuit in a capitalist economy where this holds water does not bode well. Where is the empirical evidence for this claim, that a website will only continue to grow in popularity/survive if the web-democracy-addled clickers and empowered browsers out there don't start to suspect that, hey this guy doesn't really love the Mets at time T-2 as he did at T-1? Without evidence it is no more than (slightly self-serving) balderdash. What kind of experiments would we run to show that this is more than warmed over Web 2.0 meritocracy non-sense? Do MB's hits decline when Matt's heart and authenticity are not on display, say when Barron is writing all MB's posts for weeks on end? That would be the first correlation I'd look at. As for the sentiments about the web being a meritocracy, well I let my subscription to Wired expire, so I won't wade in over my head here, but c'mon. The position I see implied here, that big money, advertising, path dependency, choke points, etc. have no impact upon whether readers continue to visit a "blog" or website strains my ability to articulate how much ideological tartuffery permeates such statements. No matter how much passionate shit is given, the fact that (through moxie and networking) Metsblog (deservedly) got "there" first is most likely why it gains readers, because of the high profile it has in searches, among advertisers, and of course, because it is affiliated with the NY Mets and their media outlet. To explain this continued market dominance in terms of meritocracy, well I just don't see any evidence for that. To link it to my own concerns, is it possible that the MB phenomenon cost the reporting industry some jobs, i.e., the very beat writers whose stories MB survived on in the early years? If that were so, I'd add "market share" to honesty and authenticity if you want to explain the growth of the mega sports blog.

2) "Conspiracy theory"

In my opinion, it is a ridiculous thing to imply that we need resort to conspiracy to posit that big money has the potential to change editorial content. I take Matt at his word about his SNY deal not, to his mind, affecting the editorial positions he takes on the team. But financial backing influences the results we see in every other human endeavor, politics, sports, science, medicine, publishing, moon-golfing, pornography, and you want me to believe that sports blogs somehow operate in a vacuum? There is probably much more to be said here and other wags may go ballistic over Matt's use of the word "shit" in his post, on a website that reportedly routinely bans curse words by limiting its commentator pool so as not to offend the sponsors. It's his website, his paycheck, and it is a reasonable policy so I don't fucking care about that (see what I fucking did there?). But obviously the boundaries of appropriate criticism are implied and there are somethings you can't say, even if Saul LOLKatz doesn't drag Matt behind the SNY Beer Money set, clutch his testicles and hiss "watch your ass fan boy." To reiterate my previous sentiments, the corporate control of or influence on content is only important to the extent that, as I have argued, "blogs" replace, crowd out, and drown other sources of news, analysis, and authority. That raises the issue beyond the realm of personal integrity of any one blogger towards a systemic issue that no one blog's behavior can influence alone.

3. But I'm Just a Fan!

Finally, it is possible to critique this post by pointing to how Matt's writing implies being an average-guy-fan can exempt him from any responsibility. I haven't seen Metsblog as a "blog" for 3-4 years now, and I say this not to stake out some fundamentalist territory that I frankly have no standing to claim, but only to point out that calling MB a blog risks evacuating the term of any meaning. In the context of Mets fan webpages, Metsblog is a huge powerhouse that directs massive amounts of traffic, one that whether intentionally or not, legitimizes certain points of view while delegitimizing others. To deny that power while crowing about your access and page hits feels like poor form. And as Spiderman knows, with great power comes the ability to hang upside down and make non-stop quips.

I will close with some slightly more inflammatory rhetoric. If Metsblog isn't exhibit A for the power of financial backing and access and its subtle influence, then I'm Gary Carter. I lurked, read and commented on his excellent and path-breaking blog from its inception up until a few years ago, and I hope he won't take offense when I say that in the early years, the communities comments/posts, not the actual editorial content, were the major draw. It was like sitting in an electronic bar with other knowledgeable and oppressed Mets fans, and it was fantastic. That said, Metsblog made choices along the way, as is their right. Symbolically, they chose to remove their corny "blog roll," something I took as indicating their fundamental shift in self-identity from a blog with roots in a community into a corporately sponsored website. And that shift might not change the fan at the heart of the enterprise, but it changes the game considerably.

Amazin' Access? Further Notes from an Irrelevant Hollywood Novelty Sports Blogger

2010-12-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hey Metsfans, who would you rather show at your next Christmas party me (pictured on right) or that guy?

This might be in poor taste, coming as Mets bloggers excitedly celebrate their inclusion at the Mets Christmas party festivities (full disclosure: I was not invited, however I was invited by exclusive email to save 10% off my entire ShopMets.com order), but I thought I would kill a few more internet trees by reacting to reactions to my modest proposal that it could happen here, a conversation wiped for the most part off the blargosphere map by the general Lee catastrophe. Andy Martino of the Daily News apparently independently posted around the same time a comment on the Mets and social media, though his take was aimed at illuminating his blogging friends as to the politics of access they were about to get schooled in, so you can see that beat writers and sports journalists will weight in on this as time goes on, or until their COBRA payments become to burdensome. Although I have been kicking some shit about the MLB's generally pathetic efforts to co-opt "blogging" for a while, I won't pretend to have pioneered this particular debate or even added that much, but the systemic factors I am gesturing at won't just go away if we stick our heads in the orange and blue web mud.

I may not get to go to the Holiday raves, but have you ever been offered 25% off a combination comely Mets companion/couch?

Flare ups over the meaning of the Great SNY Metblogger Fête of '08 were as heated and controversial as can be expected when personal integrity is perceived to be at stake. But I don't want to stake out holier-than-thou territory with some of my favorite bloggers, most of whom I have nothing but respect for. Besides, I myself would squeeze into rhinestoned Mets cut-off top if it meant a night in Alyssa Milano's Dodgers field box.

Go ahead, call me out. I will put my money where my mouth is or the opposite as is appropriate. I'm not too proud for Danza-related role play.

To wit, I'm not as interested in the free hotdog-stooges vs. jealous-left-out-periphery back and forth (since the continued existence of Cody Ross exhausts my efforts at personal destruction) as much as I am in the way our system, the Mets blargosphere, is changing and may transform in the future. This is all very speculative and future-oriented and I admit, totally "unprovable." To be sure, the blogger hierarchies taking shape with the subtle influence of cash from the still impressive Wilpon empire may melt away or shift whenever Jimmy from Long Island shuts down his Met blog because the baby cries too much and hell its cutting into his porn time. So for now, I will just provide some logic and a touch of scant evidence that we should pay attention to this trend with a skeptical eye. For those of you with short attention spans, here is the shred of evidence: according to some reports, we may already have seen team owners in other sports retaliating against their bloggers. Will the Wilpon's Wooing Work Wonders or Wound Wonks?

Of those that are paying me any mind, some are scoffing at my prevarications. But most are treating my inflammatory insinuations with humor and class. Joe Budd doesn't buy what I'm selling. IMFM fanclub member and noted prize-fighter James K. brilliantly reworked the theme into some last-minute holiday Jeff Francoeur bashing. Intelligent Met analysis impresario Eric Simon hasn't posted something this hilarious since he chose Rey Ordonez for his top 50 All time Mets list. Greg Prince, the half of the esteemed Mets blogging and literacy advocacy duo who knows who I am, was not amused, but he probably thinks he has seen this before.

What might these top-shelf fan bloggers, all of whom do their taxes on time, have a way with words and by all accounts swell fellows, have in common? To put words in their keyboards, they seem to think my hypothesis can be infirmed by the up-standing actions of a few. To this I say: nah. Although I rarely traffic in the falsifiable in this space, if my comments can be taken seriously, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that my main point is being missed. The objectivity or judgment of any one blogger isn't the key to understanding how corporate influence will or will not "defang" manipulate or otherwise impact content and editorial choices in the newly empowered Mets blargosphere. All I am saying is: 1) the dynamic of the shift towards blogs from paid media will interact with 2) the corporation's efforts to sell their product in any way they can (short of producing a reliable, entertaining product--ZING!) in what are potentially damaging ways. Also, 3) I have no solutions to offer.

First, the "dynamic." The blurring of journalism/hobbyist boundaries is a fact, in my opinion. It should suffice to point to the agreement of noted commentators as diverse as the violent Buzz Bissinger and anti-WAR Murray Chass. The "dynamic" simply put, is the replacement of paid reporters with unpaid enthusiasts. Now here is my related opinion: even while the bloggers celebrate their ascendancy, having replaced Old World newspapers and magazines as the go-to source of info and analysis, our communal, systemic ability to produce balanced, critical thought suffers because there is of yet no one carry out the functions of an editor, and no one to verify that those that do voluntarily take up such an editing, peer review function are not themselves compromised. (Spare me the wisdom-of-crowds-anecdotal-internet-triumphalist line and Jayson Blairism for now.) For the time being, that is where we are.

For instance, my sources tell me that Eric Simon at Amazin' Access lounges around in Turk Wendell's old monogrammed smoking jacket, given to him by Charlie Samuels, but I would never publicize that since I don't want to jeopardize my access to, say, one-on-one R.A. Dickey interviews or Oliver Perez updates. So I'm keeping my mouth shut, and I don't expect to see dirty secrets like this coming out anytime soon. On the other hand, I can say or not say whatever I want because there is nothing but an over-hyped hive mind to correct me if I make shit up. There is no editor, I am not responsible to anyone but a bunch of mostly anonymous teenage readers in adderall-fueled moments of non-distraction. I am not a role model. What should I do? But I digress.

Even if you don't agree with my last few leaps of logic, then riddle me this: will "I" (random Met blogger) get invited to the next Shake Shack shin-dig if the pimply faced Mets intern assigned to blogger relations Googles "My Blog Name" and and comes up with "Jeff Wilpon is entitled twerp who has for years run the NY Metropolitans into the ground"?? (This is the least controversial statement I could come up with, a consensus shared, I wager, by most Met bloggers/sentient carbon-based lifeforms, chosen as an example. There are others.)

So...if we residents of the Mets blargosphere are as important as we think we are, then this phenomenon--the interaction between "the dynamic" I have clumsily sketched here, and the creeping corporate appropriation of the blog space (for lack of a better turn of phrase)--bears following, if not by the multitude of Mets bloggers just happy to hawk Mets merchandise, regurgitate news feeds, and forward stadium amenity complaints to the front office, then certainly by the articulate and thoughtful few: our blogging leaders who have earned their status and our respect. In other words, draw you own conclusions, but draw some at least.

***

Does the fact the Mets have Jason Bay, not pictured, answering the phones at Sterling enterprises mean he is healthy? Or are the Mets just trying to get value out of his contract?

In happy news, the Mets are making Jason Bay join their annual Holiday Ticket-Pushing-We-Also-Play-in-NY , having him dial the phone, and twitter with fans who never lack for burning questions about at-bat music. Bay was last seen being attacked by TARP field's heinous dimensions. Excerpts:

NewYorkMets

RT @metsfanmx Hi Jason. What are your expectations for the 2011 season??? Just to play hard every night

NewYorkMets

RT @Ianrnolan what's your favorite ballpark to play in other than city field? Coors Field. Very majestic

NewYorkMets

RT @RockOnNdRollOn.... Can you wish me an early happy birthday ? Please pleaseeee ? Happy Birthday!!!

Hell if Bay can retweet, that shows some serious recovery of motor skills. So watch out, Greatest Rotation of All Time, J-Bay can see straight!! And, I may be reading into this, but would the Rockies be up for a personnel swap with J-Bay as the centerpiece? I bet he can hit it out of their majestic confines.

Will Our Long Metropolitan Night-Amaro Never End? Cliff Lee Gets Silly with Philly

2010-12-14T00:04:00.000-08:00

Cliff Lee risks vomit attacks on his family to sign with Philadelphia.

In a bold step, Phillies GM Ruben Amaro countered new Mets GM Sandy Alderson's acquisition of Boof Bonser last night by somehow outplaying the Yankees and the Rangers to land 2008 AL Cy Young Award winning pitcher Cliff Lee. The Phils and Mets GMs are clearly locked in a battle for control of the National League East and this observer for one is waiting with baited breath to see who lands the next roundhouse!!

With Bonser in the fold, Mets fans minds are set at ease.

Informed of the Phillies' deal, Alderson quipped that it "Makes some of our contracts look pretty good. That’s a long time, and a lot of money. I thought they were trying to fix the crack in the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, not smoke crack." The spirited jesting is in good fun, but once the season starts, these two executive suite warriors will be all business!! The business of winning that is.

Alderson Starts Never-Ending Honeymoon by Co-opting Mets Fans with Phone Calls and Pretty Words

2010-12-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Evil Empire might still be in the neighborhood, but the planet Alderson is not scheduled for destruction

Last week, the Mets blargosphere was all a twitter over the inclusion of several blogs in a bonafide conference call with Sandy Alderson (though I couldn't help but notice that the gang from Sour PessimisticF*ckerMetsFanz.com were not invited). Full disclosure: I was only invited to the pager message exchange with J.P. Ricciardi, not the group call with the big cheese. Fuller disclosure: I may now be the only one even mildly concerned with the potential consequences for independently-minded "coverage" of the Mets in light of the Wilpon's wooing. Not that there are really any "independently" minded Mets commentators left out there; if we wanted that service, we'd still have sportswriters at our major newspapers (I keed)!

Jealous much? Yeah I was there.

But gosh it looks like the Alderson regime has oh so cunningly stroked the egos of those that are paying the most attention, that is, the obsessive fans with electronic diaries. With mainstream Met journalism looking increasingly bankrupt (not because they do a bad job necessarily, but the zeitgeist is bending them over and bloggers are happy to take their sloppy seconds without asking to be paid), and with the Mets having all but purchased one of the largest "fan blogs" out there to go along with their purchase of Mr.-First-Question Kevin Burkhart, it's not too outrageous to posit that the Mets probably won't be coming in for any serious criticism for the foreseeable future. And well they shouldn't, you may be saying...after all, they hired Sandy Alderson didn't they?

I'll say this for the Sandy love: I haven't seen someone take office in an organization with standards this low since our last presidential election, know what I'm sayin'?

***
Say what you want about the Deadspin guy, but the "without access...blah blah... without favor" part of their motto is what they got right. For me one of the fundamental characteristics of "blogs"--what makes them blogs instead of some other media or publicity outlet--is that they don't have access to the locker rooms, they don't sit on the team planes, don't know the players, don't have to polish the "Budweiser Hot Seat" etc. Access is not the value added here, it's being able to say whatever you damn please, and be as profane or fawning as you like. Am I saying you're a bad person if you accept your favorite team's offer to let your blogger ass go frolic in the dugout or hang out in the rich people seats? Of course not.

But I have to wonder about the long term effects. Systemically, the blogs have replaced the newspeople as sources for information and analysis, and these blogs, "staffed" by wide-eyed innocents like myself, are arguably more susceptible to influence than beat writers or commentators who report to and are accountable to editors and readers, etc. Who knows what the ramifications are or if they're even worth fretting about. Maybe we don't really need the critical distance of journalists to understand the sports world. If so, we may be on the road to that happy place, one where we believe whatever we're told and all Angels come from a town called Los Angeles of Anaheim.

So here's my question: all earnest appearances aside (and the Sandinator is getting rave reviews for his answers), are the Mets really reaching out to the bloggers because they value their service, opinions, commitment, etc.? Or because the corporation has tickets to an perpetually embarrassing, sub-par product to hock, and they know that our trusted blogs have the appearance of integrity and are perfectly positioned to serve as a platform for sales?

There you have it. The NY Mets are co-opting the Mets blargosphere. With some effort, I have strained to sound the world's first negative note about the new Met bosses, though if I am missing someone else's bitching in the blargosphere, do let me know.

[Along these lines, I was wondering what former Met maven Wallace Matthews has been up to, then remembered his mirthful messages are trapped behind Newsday.com's ridiculous pay wall. That website (which I refuse to link to) is now featuring "open access until January 7th," aka the who-are-we-kidding-special. Then I realized that W-Mat moved to EspnNY (which I will still link to for some reason) so I checked him out there and he seems to have totally forgotten about the Mets. He only covers the Yankers now, spending his time passionately defending the media's overcoverage of the Jeter contract jerkwagon. It all must be eating him up from the inside, having to be so positive. Anyhow, we won't have Wallace Matthews to kick us around anymore.]

Am I being overly negative about this conference call? Hypocritical? Short-sighted? Perhaps. But since there aren't too many Mets blogs out there that weren't in on the call, there aren't too many other blokes that will bother to float the argument that the Mets reaching out to their fanbase could be a bad thing. So you're welcome.

***
My classic statement on this issue notwithstanding, Noel Murray's take on the puzzle of why sports casting sucks is one of the better ones I have seen (H/T Berganator).

***
For reasons I can barely comprehend, I am now on Twitter, trying to hard to being pointlessly witty, and talking about what my stomach is doing. Good luck trying to follow me, I couldn't tell you how.

QuesTek For Your Baseball Library: Ballpark E-Guide--Citifield

2010-12-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

Do you like planning things? It may be the dead of winter, but if you get home tonight from celebrating the Mets' acquisition of D.J. Carrasco with the burning desire to plan out your next trip to Citi Field where you will be able to enjoy "lower" ticket prices next season, I may have just the thing for you.

If you don't go to a ton of games during the season, or if you have children, a car, or are a normal person with other things going on in your life, getting to the park to see your beloved team underperform can be a hassle. And for the thrifty, the Mets website doesn't have an interest in helping you do anything but empty your wallet into the Wilpon investment fund.

Here is where Kurt Smith's guide can help. It is a primer that mainly covers ticketing, parking, and concessions with some tips for cheapskates thrown in. Smith helpfully runs down the price schedule for tickets in Citi's various sections which range from "inexpensive" to "OK now this is just ridiculous." Anxious ticket buying newbies will find the section on obstructed seating helpful, as Smith points out the seats to avoid--worth the price of the guide all by itself for many of us! Other concerns, such as where you could potentially park for free, where to find the "fancy beer," what you can ~~smuggle~~ bring into the park (peanuts and a little water or soda), and where you can get cheap hotdogs for your little brats, are addressed throughout the well-written 25 page guide.

Smith had me (and I suspect many Mets fans) on the first page where he breezes through a litany of complaints about the Mets' new stadium--the stain of Citi corporation, the unrequited Dodgers-love, the pricing, the obstructed views. But it turns out you can still have a swell old time in the house that TARP built, particularly if you can see the game, can be relatively sure you haven't paid too much for your tickets, and can rest assured that your car will probably be there when you go looking for it after the game.

Now for the ultimate IMFM QuesTek question: would I buy this if it wasn't given to me for free to review? Yeah, I think I would, because it is cheap and functions something like a friend who knows the Citi ropes for those of us who have no friends. For five bucks, you won't be breaking the bank to get some inside info and I think there is a nugget of detail in here for every fan, no matter how many miles their foam finger has logged. But you could also think of it as five dollars the Wilpons won't get out of you. The guide can be purchased here, and there are links to other possibly relevant guides for Mets fans, to Bronx and Philly parks where a little intelligence gathering can perhaps help them avoid being vomited on or attacked.

Finally Some Excitement: Mets Considering Long for Stick Handler Job

2010-12-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

I just looked up and realized the hotstove was underway. Underwhelming.

In the next phase of their overly transparent, tremendously boring off-season ~~rebuilding plan~~ participation activities, the Mets have let the press in on their secret deliberations over Terry Collin's staff. And finally there is an exciting morsel for us bloggers: Don Long is being considered to be the next Mets hitting coach!

Aside from his impressive resume ("Long was the hitting coach in Pittsburgh the past three seasons, where he worked with Jason Bay"), I am excited for the punning possibilities Coach Long can bring to the table, a group that already has a Dickey. "Long" rhymes with "dong," a euphemism for home run, to name just one example.

While I can't wait to see if Dong can beat off Andy Van Slyke's challenge, I can still look at the bright side. Hopefully the team won't be filled with douche-burgers. And the new management won't be tone deaf. But I have to say, constant ho hum news ("Mets hope to be active in Rule V draft!") doesn't make for a warm hot stove.

The Mets are looking for anyone to fill their rotation. Aaaarraaaaauuuuuuuuu.

While cutting ties with John Maine, Sean Green, and arguably Pedro Feliciano has to count for something, the Mets stated goal of "bargain" hunting for pitching isn't inspiring me to save my pennies for another MLB "Extra" Innings subscription. The Mets moved quickly to lock up the immortal Mike O'Connor, and are said (are you sitting down?) to be debating the merits of Chris Young vs. Jeff Francis. Or is that Jeff Young and Chris Francis? The stark contrast between the Mets' penny pinching rebuilding plan and the NY media's willingness to report anything points to just how out of sorts this franchise has become.

We Mets fans are willing to try anything, even fiscal responsibility, to recover the dignity and pride we lost during the Minaya/Saul Katz regime. So the big splash isn't necessary. And we are primed to wait and see what happens before judging: the glass isn't half full or half empty yet

This is all well and good, but who is going to want to buy tickets to this?

Carrasco! Paulino! Oh yeah!

***
How does this make you feel?
Terry Collins is Minaya's kind of guy!

IMFM Exclusive: Jeter Rebuffed by Yanks, Signs 5 yr. contract with Westhill Thunder Bunnies

2010-11-24T00:01:00.001-08:00

Derek Jeter has yet to be fitted for his new Westhill softball threads but his passion is infectious, the girls say.

After rejecting the Yankee's front office offer of $15 million/yr for 3 years, Derek Jeter wasn't happy to get Brian Cashman's advice to shop around for a better contract. Not surprisingly, a prideful Jeter took his talents to the free agent market, guided only by his agent, Casey Close, and an exaggerated sense of self-worth.

Jeter "will be reviewing" his liquor fueled decision-making and negotiating strategies

Enter the Westhill Thunderbunnies of Onondaga County, New York. T-Bunnies GM Larry Glasscok knew that after six straight 4th place finishes, his Westhill lineup needed some clutch pop at the shortstop position as much as it needed an injection of gritty leadership. While Jeter was seeking a minimum of four more years and perhaps as much as six more, at approximately $20 million per season, Glasscok played the market perfectly and offered 5 years at $17 million annually, landing the overrated, sometime tax cheat Jeter without so much as offering a no-trade clause. "I'm aware of Jeter's career-low 2010 .270 batting average, laughable defensive range, and general decline," said Glasscok, "but Samantha, Britney and Chloe laugh and fool around way too much on the bench and these girls could benefit from Derek's leadership and intangibles."

Rumors that Jeter will fire his agent Casey Close, left, are unconfirmed.

In related news, minor television star Minka Kelly released a statement breaking off her relationship with the known herpes spreading ex-Yankee. "I am a little too good looking" to be associated with a guy with "that bad a haircut and such an alarming portfolio of sexual illnesses who doesn't have any money," the actress was quoted as saying.

Kelly: "I'm done with this mo"

Cleaning Up the Me(t)ss: Sandy Chosing Among Fun Loving Criminals for Ceremonial Moneyball Skipper Position

2010-11-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Choosing the next Mets manager is an art more than a science.

The word in the Mets blargoshpere seems to be that Sandy Alderson is getting closer to a decision on who will be the next chump to stand in the Mets dugout. According to various speculative reports, Wally Backman looks like an also-ran at this point. Backman's past DUI, domestic violence, and bankruptcy problems are well known, and are not the worst of his crimes. Admittedly, getting slugged by a lady trying to protect his wife from Backman's violent rage, having his arm broken with his own world series 1986 baseball bat no less, has to be up there, but the details are still unclear. No, putting things in historical perspective, "classic alcoholic" and Mets 1986 hero Backman's major crime from where I sit would be appearing in a reality show that degrades the game of baseball and shames America. There is no louder way to cry "I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH JUDGMENT" than to participate in this kind of crap.

Managerial candidates are fighting each other tooth and nail to get a chance to associate their careers with the Wilpon's offensive machine.

These days, GMs have plenty of options when looking for a substance abusing, judgment impaired manager. If Alderson is looking for more of a Tony La Russa, fall-asleep-at-a-stoplight-during-spring-training-type-of drunk manager, well it is looking like high-strung, tightly-wrapped, apparent front-running candidate Terry Collins can fill those shoes (hopefully not with his own vomit). Maybe a guy that, though his vehicle is hobbled with a flat tire, just "keeps driving" (according to the police reports of Collin's 2002 arrest in Augusta GA) is just the man the Mets need. Here's the rest of Collin's resume, according to Bill Madden:

As a manager, fired by both the Angels and Astros, his high-strung, tightly-wrapped persona quickly wore thin with his players. Said one longtime Astros operative: "We had a fairly young team (when Collins was the manager) that you would think would be easily impressionable early on. But that wasn't the case. They just never could relate to him." It was the same in Anaheim with the Angels where, after two second-place finishes in '97 and '98, Collins found himself constantly bickering with his players (who petitioned the GM, Bill Bavasi, to fire him), and then had a meltdown at the end of the '99 season when he tearfully resigned, admitting he'd lost the team.

Impressive! However, Madden is not really being fair to Collins in terms of his fit with the Mets. Collin's managed China's team in the 2009 World Baseball Classic, so he knows how to manage a truly, miserably, awful team, filled with players who don't know how to play the game. Then again, the Mets would be getting a guy who planned on retiring when he stepped down as the coach of the Orix Buffaloes in 2008.

No Chinese players petitioned for Collin's removal, as far as we know.

Clint Hurdle, once marked as one of the final three candidates for the Mets job, has moved on to brighter pastures, and accepted the Pittsburgh Pirates managing post. That's right, we live in a world where the Pirates opening is easier to fill than the Mets, and where a person could decide that the Pirates organization is the better landing spot. Even as far as the Mets have fallen in recent years, Hurdle's decision shows that he must be smoking something.

What do I want? Other than some idea of why so many compromised candidates show up on Sandy's list of finalists? Perhaps in the end, if Alderson truly doesn't give a steaming Oliver Perez what the fans want, then that is the best process I could imagine. After all, America has enough inmates running the asylum. We don't need a GM who listens to an enabled bunch of jokers with on-line diaries and delusions of grandeur. We aren't the ones who will get fired if he picks the wrong guy.

Tell your story walking?

***

Apparently Alderson is having luck taking a different approach to Carlos Beltran than the past regime. They met yesterday in Puerto Rico, according to reports. Reaching out to Beltran is bound to have better results than whatever Omar's strategy was.

***

Not too many will commit to attacking Subway's latest pitchman, the immortal Mariano Rivera. One reason I love advanced metrics or technologically-enabled baseball analysis, when I love it, is articles like a recent examination of the "Mo Zone." As the old saying goes, get a holy frying pan and every thing starts to look like a sacred cow (ok it's actually something about a hammer and everything looks like a nail), so we need to be wary of analytic hubris. But it's about time someone took this sucker down. It's a lot easier to be a hall of fame, lights-out strike machine if you get this kind of strike zone charity. He wouldn't be the first pious bastard to benefit greatly from the industrial umpire-media complex, but any further questions into Mariano Rivera's success would be welcomed in these parts, mostly because I'm an embittered bastard.

BBWAA Honors, Humbles Itmetsforme with Best Sports Blog Award

2010-11-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Your author poses with his latest accolade.

Thank you! Thank you!

I hereby accept the award and thank the Baseball Writers of America for selecting my blog for this prestigious honor. In era of corporately compromised blogs, blogs devoted to publishing pictures of athletes' private parts and ruining America's drunk young women, blogs aimed at the hopelessly nerdy, and blogs over-committed to particular fan segments such as the advanced metric lovers, or the semi-literate, I believe my work truly stands out because it reaches out to all those who have an intense love of the game such that they don't care to have it illuminated in any meaningful way. And today you honor me, baseball writers, as I no doubt have inspired you over the years.

I also want to thank Derek Jeter, who, although he gets a lot of gruff in this space for cheating on his taxes, having herpes, and possessing the worst haircut anyone I know has ever seen, has to be credited with paving the way for the writers' recognition of my efforts over the past five years. Thanks old pal. To all your haters, if the fifth glove fits...

Cleaning up the Me(t)ss: Alderson Must Revamp Medical Staff

2010-11-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

The Mets need a new, healthy look. (Really is this anymore idiotic an idea than the picture below?)

Now that that clubhouse cancer, Charlie Samuels, and that top step dancer, Jose Reyes, have each been taken care of, Alderson needs to turn his attention to more pressing matters. Yes, Sandy got the (moneyball) band back together. Now, everyone will be distracted by the manager search, but I say Alderson needs to start chopping with the medical staff. Ray Ramirez needs to go, whether the past 4 years of debacle are his fault or not. Anyone that fails a pop quiz on how to deal with player concussions should be let go too. And Mets medical director Dr. David Altchek too. Injuries are part of the game, but there is a medical malaise hanging over this team, and communication never seems to happen smoothly.

The whole Beltran thing. The whole Bay thing. The whole Reyes in LA thing. Catastrophic hammy roll-ups. Etc. It's much to much bumbling to be a coincidence. Some fresh faced wellness czars. Some healthy hot water bottle haulers. Some competent and communicative medical specialists. Hell, someone to give out celery and carrot sticks in the clubhouse. Take care of it, Sandy.

Mets medical director Dr. David Altchek, pictured.

Cleaning Up the Me(t)ss: NYPD, Queens DA offer Sandy a Hand

2010-11-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

K-rod (shown above) will need to find a new roomie soon...maybe in prison?

We didn't know it at the time, but after K-Rod was ordered by a judge to stay away from his own house, he moved in with then Mets long time clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels, and thus tied the Mets' embarrassing criminal past to their embarrassing criminal future. This franchise bumbles every facet of its existence, almost like they planned it. As we know now,

Samuels was gambling on football and possibly baseball, investigators believe.
“There is some indication he was” betting on baseball, the person said, adding, “Whether he was betting on the Mets is unclear.”

Insert obligatory betting on the Mets joke here. The New York Times report leads me to believe that Samuels might be just the tip of the iceberg of distraction coming Sandy Alderson's way this winter. Some of the Mets' most beloved stars have already been implicated (Krud, Jeff Francoeur, Mike Piazza's father). Wouldn't it be great if it turns out the Mets were throwing games? At least we could better appreciate how the franchise with abundant resources has managed to squander the little talent they have and pile up the loses with a listless brand of baseball only a motherf** could love for most of the last 20 years.

Next week's news: Samuel's child smuggling ring

In any event, Saul "LOL" Katz and his underlings, the Wilpon boys, will probably need to make a new hire, and it should be made in the proud tradition of Kirk Radomski and Samuels. Allow me to help with a few suggestions to get you started.

Top 10 Clubhouse Manager Replacements for Charlie Samuels Who has Been Suspended For Gambling on Baseball, Stealing Equipment and Other Stuff

10. Jimmy "Big League Chew" Bonanno
9. Mr. Peter Rose (no relation)
8. Dominic Valila (hey even Jeromy Burnitz got a second chance)
7. John Franco's kid
6. Matthew Cerrone
5. Alderson will exploit market inefficiencies--probably hire slob who doesn't know how to iron
4. Michael Jordan
3. Charlie Samuels (hey, he still owes us money)
2. Dwight Gooden (probably needs $$)
1. Mike Murphy, proven champion club house manager

Ah, the tools of Mets equipment management

Look, if I were Mets media and communications honchos, VP of "Media Relations" Jay Horowitz (really--this guy still has a job?) or VP David "No Obstruction" Howard, I'd be looking over my shoulder. The Wilpons woke up recently and realized something stank in Denmark; how long til they recognize that the smell isn't gone? Is it possible to guide a team to a worse image/public relations/reputation? We all know the Mets are a fucking disaster, but isn't anyone in charge of making sure the clubhouse hasn't been infiltrated by criminals? (And I don't mean the ones under 3-4 year contracts with vesting options.)

ZOMG the Mets want to talk to me on the phone FTW! Thank god I have caller ID.

Will saying these things get me in on those conference calls the Mets are starting to make to co-opt to certain high profile blogs to help push lousy ticket packages to see a shitty team, sometimes from seats that they won't admit are obstructed (what better salespeople than trusted and "independent" fans?), and puff me up a bit with my own importance? Or maybe an invite to sit in the dugout or a luxury box with Saul LOLKatz and have some Shake Shack would get me to stop criticizing? Probably not. But I'm not so sure I want to be on their speed dial when the feds bust Mr Met for kiddie porn or meth cooking. You know, guilt by association and all.

Gambling on baseball, still the second most heinous thing Samuels ever did.

Opinion: Alderson Needs to Apologize for Letting Ladies in the Dugout

2010-10-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Sandy Alderson, Mets GM, ducks another tough question.

Only a day in to his new job, and new Met GM Sandy Alderson is already knee deep in controversy.
Sure, Alderson may have risked his life for his country, made himself a wildly successful major league executive, and been a founding father of the sabermetric set that revolutionized baseball. But already there is another Bernie Madoff-size hole the size of in Alderson's creditability. After refusing to apologize for the steroid era, Alderson would seem to be on thin ice already as he faces the second stunning controversy of his brief tenure. This time the scandal takes the form of a clash with Met culture itself; specifically, a growing disagreement with one of the greatest living Mets, SNY broadcaster Keith Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez, shown reacting to announcement of new Met GM.

The controversy started in 2006 when Hernandez noted the presence of a female trainer, Kelly Calabrese, in the dugout of Alderson-controlled San Diego Padres. "Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout."

Hernandez later tried to back step and defuse the controversy, saying "You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have." No doubt this was done in order to spare the San Diego organization the loss of face that comes with such a transgression of America's past time.

But as Hernandez knows, the damage was done. Gals were hanging off of the top step railing. Chicks were getting players ready to play ballgames. All of this slowly destroying the game that, along with Jazz, country music, and nuclear weapons, stands among America's greatest contributions to world civilization. And this destruction was done on Sandy Alderson's watch.

In this space, I can only modestly (pre-) echo the (no doubt forthcoming) demands of noble scribes and keepers of the baseball flame like Ian O'Connor, who work for great defenders of the integrity of the game of baseball like the website and 24 hour news channel ESPN, and make the following demand: Alderson must say he's sorry for being an enabler at a time when baseball desperately needed a whistle-blower and a leader on the issue of ladies in the dugout.

If Sandy Alderson gets his way, horrifying scenes like this will be an everyday occurrence. What's next, equal pay for equal work?

Alderson no doubt disappointed millions when he stepped to the microphone on Friday to take questions, yet refused to address the issue of babes on the bench. But the Mets organization as a whole needs to take a stronger stand. Where is team president and architect of the entire past four years of unmitigated failure, Saul Katz on this issue? Since we now know that Katz makes most of the decisions in this organization, Katz needs to address the media and set the record straight immediately, if the Alderson rebuilding project is to have any hope of succeeding. I demand an apology from Saul Katz as well.

If Alderson and Katz are going to preach accountability with the sad sack Mets, that's fine. But they would make that pitch credible if they started with themselves, and took a few minutes to apologize for an opportunity lost, an opportunity to keep the fair sex out of our fair game.

After Years Adrift at Sea, Have Mets Reached the Sandy Shore?

2010-10-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Why are you bothering me during the unlimited pasta and bread sticks early bird special?"

Every media outlet, fanboy blog, and a few farmers' almanacs are reporting that the Mets have selected Mr. Sandy Alderson to be their next GM. Any reservations the meek souls or full-on party poopers among us might raise ("he is 300 years old,""but he invented Questek!""Jeff Wilpon") are being drowned out by an aggressively optimistic exuberant mob bent on seeing a savior. This atmosphere is similar to what I saw around the Mets-blarg-o-sphere when one Mr. Omar Minaya was hired, back when he was still the guy that didn't trade K*zmir and had not yet become the guy who squandered the primes of David Wright and Jose Reyes in a storm of befuddling incompetence and mediocrity (are they still selling "In Omar We Trust" t-shirts?). I suppose this is understandable since we are "fanatics" and watch mostly to get excited and hopeful about things. And the respect, the competence and credibility that a week or two ago seemed like pipe dreams now seem within reach. But the wild mood swing the fan base is experiencing, from despair and hangman humor to triumphalism and wild hope, is too much for this humble blogger to take. I will sit this party out for now.

Ah yes, you're still here.

While the Yankmes and Philmes' demises made for one of the more pleasurable playoffs in recent memory, I can not bring myself to buy into another Wilpon-related front organizational scheme at the moment. As long as the pin heads are ultimately in charge (of course by this I mean team president Saul Katz, recently revealed to be the mastermind of this whole mess), I retain the right to skepticism, moodiness, and being not fun at dinner parties. And I will wait to see what innovative "clear direction" Mr. Alderson chooses for this team (pitchers with laser beams in their eyes? Jesus Christ playing second? a home run apple that works/is needed?) and how he plans to maneuver around large albatrossy contracts, key and maybe devastating injuries, a culture of losing loserness, and Wilpon meddling. I will not let the Wilpons play me like a fiddle, and manipulate my apathy levels simply by admitting what we all have known--they don't know what they're doing--and taking an action that was needed two years ago. I have earned that much.

The Advent of Dummyball? From Beane to Sabean... Do the Mets Have What it Takes in the New Era?

2010-10-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

Razor sharp minds don't grow on trees.

Finally, we are hearing that the market for lame veterans is undervalued. If you want to understand the latest trend, check out Tim Marchman's tribute to Giant's GM Brian Sabean's anti-sabermetric, or at least anti-"moneyball" strategy of continuing to stock up on overpriced veterans in the face of common sense and defensible strategy.

Oh great, now that veteran presence is cool again, the Mets have relieved Omar Minaya, their expert in mediocre talent, their master of spending big on rapidly depreciating assets, their Baryshnikov of blundering contracts for creaky mediocrities, of his duties. With our luck, the Mets will hire some savvy new operator who won't touch the likes of Pat Burrell, Freddy Sanchez, Mark DeRosa, or Edgar Renteria, not to mention Alex Cora or Julio Franco, and we'll be left with a lean, mean product stuffed with talented, reasonably priced youth, who, beardless and without creased faces, won't be able to compete in these new conditions.

***

You don't need a big head to lead a team to the world series.

Congratulations, Texas Rangers. Touch em' all, you deserve it.

Fred to Media: "We're Not Capable of Picking Baseball Players"

2010-10-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

Wilpon Management Interview Script

2010-10-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

Here we go. Today's the most momentous occasion in recent memory. It's Met management firing day. Or so we've been promised. We don't want to let the excitement get out of hand, but we've been waiting a long time for this.

Every October, the Mets and their friends gather to participate in the ritual burial of their team's season

I got my hands on the actual crib-sheet that Jeffy and Fred will take into the room once they get around to hiring a new management team for the franchise they have run into the ground. I feel this gives us some insight into the process.

PART ONE (oral Interview):

GM:
has skill set YES NO
has plan YES NO
likes his plan YES NO
can keep it in pants YES NO
has figured out we're broke YES NO
likes the Dodgers' chances in 2011 YES NO
knows anything about how to treat concussions YES NO

Manager:
can light up room YES NO
works cheap YES NO
ex-Yankee with rings YES NO
will say what we tell him to YES NO
doesn't mind if we lie occasionally YES NO
double check: is room really lit up? YES NO

PART TWO (written test for all candidates):

Please comment on the management strategy implied by the following pictures:

Thank You New York Mets, For All You've Done.

2010-10-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned as I will be back with a vengeance this off season.

Finally a team for Metsfans to pity: Dodgers offer optimistic contrast with Mets

2010-09-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers have lost Joe Torre (as well as their stars, ownership, fans, playoff chances), and are now handing the former second best NY first baseman of the 80s, Donnie "Baseball" Mattingly.
Assuming the Mets don't get saddled with the corpse that specializes in pitching changes, employing Don Zimmer, and figure-heading expensive teams, we can enjoy a moment of schadenfreude. Here's an early indication of how it might go:

Mattingly, 49, managed the Dodgers in one spring training game this year while Torre was in Taiwan with some of the team on an exhibition tour, and it didn't turn out well: The Dodgers were penalized for batting out of order because the lineup card that had been posted in the clubhouse didn't match the one given to the umpires.

That was followed by a game-changing blunder in July when Mattingly was filling in for Torre, who had been ejected from a game against the San Francisco Giants. The Dodgers led in that game, 5-4, with one out in the ninth inning, the bases loaded, and All-Star closer Jonathan Broxton on the mound.

Mattingly visited the mound to set the Dodgers' defense, then, as he stepped off the mound, turned and stepped back onto the dirt as he fielded a final question from first baseman James Loney.

That move — stepping back onto the mound after he had stepped off — constituted a second trip and umpires ordered Broxton removed from the game. The Giants then continued their rally, winning, 7-5.

It seems that Jerry Manuel could land on his feet... as a bench coach here in La la land.

Week in Review: Rotten Fish Stink Out the Mets

2010-08-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

Yep.

This week's Fish tale was more than just some typical, humiliating late season losses to the Marlins franchise:

The Marlins have spent about $396 million on player salaries from 2000 through 2010, with 873 victories and a World Series title to show. The Mets have spent about $1.212 billion on salaries in those seasons, with 878 victories and no championships.
In other words, the Mets have spent about $816 million more than the Marlins to win five more games and one fewer title. It is a stinging indictment of the Mets’ efficiency and a glowing example of the shrewdness of the Marlins, who are so disciplined that they have a blanket club policy against no-trade clauses.

To recap:
$1.212 billion=878 wins, no World Series victories. (That's the Mets.)
$396 milion=873 victories, one World Series championship. (That's a team that employs fat men as cheerleaders.)

The Marlins' main expenditure.

I don't know much about MLB revenue sharing, but my next thought was chilling. I WONDER HOW MUCH OF THEIR REVENUE THE METS HAVE SHARED WITH THE FISH!!?? Can we get some numbers on this? I bet it would show that the Mets are actually paying the Fish to serve as the bane of their existence, and a "stinging indictment" to their entire management strategy.

Marlins' highest paid player provides same service at 2nd Mets get for $1,550,000 less. Mets win!

Also, the Fish know how and when to beat the Mets, so you have to add the devastation into the equation. The Mets, in so many ways cannot compete with a team that doesn't care about winning or attracting fans, and STILL ACCIDENTALLY MANAGED A TITLE!! That is how bad the Wilpons are--they can't beat someone who isn't even trying. This season, the Marlins have bought mediocrity for $81 million less than the Mets! And at least they suck in private, with no one at all to watch them, whereas the Mets manage to humiliate themselves in front of a large, if dwindling, fanbase.

***
At least the week's news wasn't all bad!

Rats.
Stinkers.
Crikey!
Ho-boy.

***
I have gotten to the bottom of how Jose hurt himself, originally. We all just keep paying for ESPN's sins:

Slaps Away! Ike Grabs More Than Just Victory

2010-08-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Pic brazenly stolen from AA. They'll never know it's gone.

Sometimes we watch a baseball game featuring an unforgivably bad team that we've given up on months ago just on the odd chance that something improbable or something we've never seen before happens. Last night, against the hated, but mostly boned Fish, we saw such things. And we liked it. For the improbable, Luis Castillo, Luis Castillo!, rather than be a non-factor or doom his team with careless glove work or a slow turn at second, won the game in the ninth for the Mets with a hit. I enjoyed that, but will probably forget it soon.

What I won't forget is Met rookie first base man and minor cult figure Ike Davis slapping the umpire on the ass after he crossed the plate with the winning run. Right before the Mets inexplicable treated themselves to the now standard "walk off win hogpile/pounding celebration" --a phenomenon that seems quite inappropriate when a team is battling to stay out of their division's cellar after dreadfully under performing their salary and talent level, and embarrassing themselves all season--Ike Davis subtly made his mark on the 2010 season. Historical figures make history--they don't always know why-- they do what they did in the heat of battle. They react, reach out, and take what is theirs.

Ike took his place in history by doing something I have never seen before in a baseball game.

He honked blue's buns.
Massaged his manly lumps.
Poked his posterior.
Smacked his saddle bag.
Walloped his woopie-cushion.
Dorked his derriere.
Checked his cheeks.
Fondled his fanny.
Held his heinie.
Caressed his keister.

I strain for the proper context in which to place this act. Is slapping an umpire's ass like patting a Supreme Court justice on the head? Or is it just like some incidental, embarrassing contact we blush at but forget, like innocently grabbing a nun's bosom to break a fall? It is inappropriate. But just how wrong? However history ends up remembering this, Ike and umpire Chad Fairchild are forever linked, like ass and hand. We can never go back.

Thanks For Playing: Some Lovely Parting Gifts for Omar Minaya

2010-08-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

The climate out there in Mets land is pretty severe. Kool Aid is no longer being served. Currently, Met fans (and anyone else associated with this team) can probably be located somewhere on a scale that runs from embarrassment to outrage to resignation to apathy. This is not to say that our heroes aren't spreading joy. One star throws up. Another ejaculates on women when he hits the links. Another shares what might in some quarters be termed Latin passion with his family and other bystanders. Another star, well, he just sees stars.

This weekend, I read Tyler Kepner's professional, sympathetic and entirely misconceived article in the NY Times, which he concludes on this note of sadness: Omar "had nothing to do with so much of the mess at Citi Field, and he would probably leave the team in much better shape than most people realize." After this, I wondered if I can't be a little more gracious in my treatment of Omar. I mean, I can't add much more to Taco Ted Berg's interpretation; he'll shed no tears for a GM that has excelled at failure on all levels, and neither shall I. Or maybe I can add something. See, the way I figure, the Met players are probably too lethargic (or busy in court) to come up with some really nice gift ideas for Omar's pending going away party. Here then, are some suggestions for some nice parting gifts for Omar, other than of course, all that contract money for nothing (why in the hell are GM contracts guaranteed?).

Artist's interpretation: actual shards cannot be gazed directly upon by humans.

Shards of the Beard of R.A. Dickey
The use of the word shards is intentional. For this man's beard cannot be reduced to clippings or mere follicles. As far as I know, Omar is as responsible for finding this diamond in the rough and putting him on the diamond as anyone else, and no matter what his future holds, Dickey will always live on in Mets lore as one of the sole bright spots of 2010, perhaps even of the decade.

Perhaps one from Oliver's own collection?

Fine Leather Copy of $cott Bora$' book on Oliver Perez
Yes, we've gone over this in this space before, but what better token of our esteem could we imagine than the $36 million book? The binder, as you'll remember, compared Doh'P to Randy Johnson and Sandy Koufax, insulting not only the integrity of any GM that gazed upon it (reports suggest there was only one GM that showed interest), but also baseball as a pastime and America as a country. This keepsake can remind Omar that sometimes moves that look really really dumb turn out to be just really really stupid.

Somebody's daughter, not included.

A really big novelty ticket to the All Star game at Citi Field in 2013
The Mets inexplicably continue to skimp on the draft, one of the few no-brainer spots where a big market club is at a competitive advantage. This cheapness (not entirely Omar's fault) has presumably allowed them to be more generous to the Alex Coras, Jeff Francoeurs, Luis Castillos etc. of the world. Many have speculated the Mets generally stick to the MLB's draft guidelines for fear of getting on Bud Selig's bad side (ed note: does he have a good side?). But why be relentlessly negative about it? As a token of his gratitude we should make sure Omar has a seat at the 2013 Citi Field All-Star game (the Mets have not hosted an all star game since 1964). Omar will need tickets to attend, because he won't be able to get into Citi Field without them (how he gets out remains to be seen). And if the ticket is really big, it will be easier for the mob to find him. It's the least we could do, and that's what he deserves.

Fred Wilpon Motivational Poster
The Wilpon family knows that nothing is more morale boosting than a endorsement from your boss, or even a contract extension, during times when your job performance calls for your immediate dismissal. So imagine how nice it will be for Omar to have a reminder of how, in the MLB, there is always someone who will hire you, no matter what you do.

Signed Adam Rubin Job Application
Omar is probably too shy to get his hands on a keepsake of what must be his proudest moment as a Met, his deft handling of the Tony Bernazard firing. No need to investigate or LOBBY Omar, we'll get one for you. Unfortunately, there is no way to package the opportunity to kiss Willie Randolph's &*#?! ass.

Picture of Met aces, courtesy of alternate universe.

Basket of mangoes from Pedro Martinez' tree.
Many still believe to this day that signing Pedro made many free agents suddenly consider signing with the Mets (it's probably closer to the truth to say that many free agents realized they could get whatever they wanted from Omar even if their careers were effectively over). Problem was, the Sawx were right and it was only a matter of time before Pedro's arm fell off. Now Petey has all the money in the world, so much so that he could comfortably afford to come back for the Phillies and continue to criticize the Mets years later. How bout a fruit basket Pedro?

As Roidger Goes Down, Don't Forget Pettitte!

2010-08-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

As contemptible as Rodger Clemens is, as much as the fact that everyone now knows he was a 'roided out liar--even Houstonians-- is satisfying, and as much as the Clemens-Piazza bat throwing incident can now be understood to have been exactly what it looked like, there is one part of this sad tale that apparently needs re-emphasis. Let me put it delicately:

Despite what the media continues to feed us, Andy Pettitte is a fucking liar and a cheat who threw his own family members under the bus when he got caught using PEDs and ONLY in comparison to Clemens could any reasonable person persuade themselves Andy Pettitte isn't a piece of Texas cow shit. Andy Pettitte and his media propagandists are bad for America.

Let me explain.

Maybe I should see this as a nostalgic nod to an imagined by-gone era when media protected star athletes privacy and reputations, instead of going through their trash and checking their hotel records. But George Vecsey ought to be ashamed of himself as he tries to tell us all those extra "Ts" in Pettitte stand for truth, tremendous, and terrific. This pathetic attempt to whitewash history and obscure the memory of Pettite's true colors showing through strikes me as near absurd. Here are some excerpts:

Pettitte proved his independence early in 2008 when he recalled Clemens saying he had been injected with human growth hormone. The testimony from the humble Pettitte was a key discrepancy that led to the indictment of Clemens on Thursday.

What journalistic purpose, I ask, does characterizing a hypocritical and dishonest ballplayer caught in his own lie as "humble," without malice, and truth-telling? I ask seriously. I have no idea. More quotations from the article:

A witnessing Christian, Pettitte is liked and respected in his clubhouse. He said he dabbled in bodybuilding drugs to help himself recuperate from injury; he admitted it to investigators, but he would not lie to protect his old training buddy.

Without a vindictive bone in his body, Pettitte has helped indict his friend, now apparently his former friend...Without malice, by just telling the truth, Little Andy has helped indict Big Rog.

He might not lie to protect his friends, but he would lie, however, to protect himself. In fact he did. That is, until the feds got involved. What Vecsey and other old guard media are telling America's children with their dying breaths is that it is OK to lie, but you have to tell the truth when vulnerable to possible federal charges. Combined with the normalization of PEDs that is sure to follow the wave of public amnesia we will see after Clemen's and Bonds' tearful publicity-confessions, we have a perfect shit storm.

Here are some reminders from earlier stories from the Daily News. If you can see past the rote Pettitte ass-kissing, you can read below how when he knew he was about to get implicated in criminal drug activity instead of taking the blame for his own cheating or protecting his family--two things I think could be called honorable-- the saintly Andy immediately implicated his own, seriously ill father.

Family matters deeply to Pettitte. That's why the most painful passages in his Feb. 4 deposition before congressional attorneys come when he describes his beloved father, Tom Pettitte, whose serious health problems have included open-heart surgery.
Already aware the Daily News was close to reporting his ailing father's involvement with a criminal drug transfer in 2004, the Yankee pitcher revealed to staff attorneys of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform how the elder Pettitte procured human growth hormone from a trainer at a gym and then shared it with his son.
The committee published the deposition Wednesday upon concluding its madcap inquiry into Roger Clemens' denunciation of the Mitchell Report. In a remarkable act of candor, Pettitte insisted on making his story public by putting it on the record:
Q: Do you have any idea where your father obtained the HGH?
A: Yeah, I do now. Yes.
Q: Where is that?
A: The gym that he works out in. A guy that's the trainer there.

Of course, Vecsey is just dealing the same misleading character bs about Lil' Andy that the NY media has been dealing for years. This garbage is everywhere. But I think this goes way beyond whatever opinion one might have of the effects of drugs in baseball and the status of those who used. Whether you care or not about that, you have to ask--what does someone have to do to be called a liar or a cheat, or seen as dishonorable in this country if Andy Pettitte, who covered his own use of PEDs with a thin story that shifted attention to his own father, is called none of these things? If Lil' Andy is a hero for confessing to the feds and implicating his friend only when called in front of Congress, well, I expect the Noble Prize committee to be getting in touch with me shortly, because I was all over this like Ray Ramirez on a head injury. And I'm a mediocre, unpaid novelty sports blogger who is barely paying attention a good deal of the time. Here's what I said about Pettitte then:

Let's be clear. Mr I-love-Jesus lies to the press, recants his story, modifies it so that it incriminates his own father, and is somehow celebrated as a truthy guy? Andy's snow job is one of the more disappointing things to come out of this whole tempest, but hopefully he'll get some dirty looks in church because of it.

For Vecsey to metaphorically look us in the eye and shovel this horse shit into our laps, well, he must be sniffing Rocket fuel.

Accountable and Steadfast, the Mets Organization Marches Boldly into the Future

2010-08-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Watching this team is bad for one's complexion.

Many of your favorite Mets blogs got of the ground in 2005; your humble servant here got started bringing Met-style mediocrity to the wide world of webs during that year (hint: anniversary presents!). Now that the team's story has followed its arc back to the laughable shambles it was in before the Yankees turned down Carlos Beltran's overtures, it is fair to say the Mets blogosphere faces its biggest challenge yet: staying interested in this crap. And we're certainly sagging under the pressure. In 2007 it was easy to believe the Mets would take the next step, in 2008 it was hard to believe they could do that again, in 2009 it was fascinating like a car crash, and here in 2010 we got what we expected: a listless circus of sometimes violent clowns underperforming even the lowest expectations we had for them. From the owners to the "management" to the "stars" the organization comes together to earn their place as the laughingstock of professional baseball.

"hell of a job, Frenchy!"

This is a bad team, one that plays offensive (it offends) baseball. What am I gonna do about it? Well, first things first, I'm going to run a lot of bad pictures of these losers with mocking captions. Then I'm going to rail against Omar Minaya. Then I'm...well see, there's not much else to do. We are right where we were, the early 2010s will resemble the early 2000s, only without the late 90s afterglow.

Accountability: it's the backbone of the Mets organization

So there is one part of the the wonderful, final number in 2010 Metastrophe Bingo (mishandled, season ending injury to star) no one's talking about. Francisco Rodriquez, who suffered torn thumb ligaments while he beat his girlfriend's father steps away from the room where the Mets families gather, could end up in prison, right? He has been charged with assault (third-degree assault and second-degree harassment), which as I understand it, is a criminal charge. He's attacked at least 3 other parties that we know of in the recent past. What's going to keep him from a jail cell, from some time blowing more than just saves?

***
Somehow the national media has shaken off the disorienting effects of Jeff Francoeur's smile, and have joined the annual roast of the Flushing Failures. "Baseball's worst franchise" says noted Rocker-baiter Jeff Pearlman. "Meet the Mess" guffaws SI (for you kids out there, Sports Illustrated was a magazine that used to matter, publishing decent writing and nudie shots once a year, til the internet relieved them of their duties), as they direct you to an "archive" article chronicling the recent history of this sad-sack franchise (warning: link not suitable for home...high Scioscia content). This is intuitive, crackerjack reporting. The Mets outdo themselves every year, so pull up a chair, mainstream media, while you still have one!

Phase three of the Bruney "Replace Krod as the Mets Closer" master plan is well underway.

We'd like to believe that OK-Rod just did whoever takes the Mets over for Omar a big favor by undoing a bit of Omar's stupidity. They owe him $11.5 million for 2011, but the looming nightmare is if a healthy Rodriguez finishes 55 games next season, his contract vests for 2012 at a mind-befuddling $17.5 million. This shitty team doesn't need an "all-star" "closer" and even if they did, they have to find this at a better price. Now we've heard that the Mets aren't going to pay OK-Rod during his injury, and they appear to be weighing the option to void his contract. For now, they have placed him on the "disqualified list," and somehow made his contract non-guaranteed with a bunch of maneuvers I've never heard of. Yay?

Of course, as (totally unbiased) Adam Rubin reports, Omar is not about to let his tongue stay in his mouth on this one; it's important not to keep your options open when dealing with enormous contracts you doled out that hamstring your team now and for the foreseeable future--what you really want to do is leave a paper trail of puzzling comments for the media/lawyers to follow:

GM Omar Minaya said the intention is to bring back Rodriguez in 2011. "Today we want him back," Minaya said.

Today? So TODAY, you're saying the Mets want him back in 2011? Why are you saying today? Because the Mets want him back and don't intend to try to take legal or contractual action against him? If that's the case then the word today is unnecessary. Sure, maybe BB-Rod will recover from his injury, but what is going to change between now and 2011, in terms of things that the Mets could get out of his contract about? Why say you want him back at all, if it is possible the Mets plan to get out of the remainder of his contract? You want him back now, but if he rapes a blind nun or clubs and eats an adorable puppy in front of a 3rd grade field trip, the Mets may not want him back? Omar is known for making big mistakes, but he is also a micro-moron, adding unnecessary comments that don't do anything for the Mets' future negotiations, which hopefully he'll have nothing to do with.

***

"Ladies and gentlemen, your NY Mets Class of 2020 Hall of Fame inductees..."

Would you let the Mets anywhere near your school?

The Mets are competing against other MLB teams for a $200,000 Pepsi Refresh Grant. Their idea is to improve educational outcomes for low-income communities, improve attendance, behavior, course performance and civic involvement through a competition among 20 NYC public schools that encourages students to attend school everyday and to arrive on time.

Of course, when Pepsi and the MLB got together on this, they probably tried to leave the Wilpons out of the loop. Both have both had their share of embarrassments and high profile fiascos, Pepsi and the MLB, but they really don't know what they're getting themselves into here. The Mets can't improve attendance, behavior, performance and civic involvement on their own fucking team from people they pay millions upon millions of dollars! Civic involvement for the Mets is having their star player ejaculate on some women on a golf course. Behavior is having your thug closer attack everyone whether they deserve it (Brian Bruney, Shirtless) or not (old geezer family members, bullpen coaches, vesting options). I hereby call upon the Mets to remove themselves from the Pepsi Refresh competition.

Paper or Plastic?

2010-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's the only question remaining for Mets fans. You see, if you are accustomed to donning a paper bag to, the 2010 season might convince you to fasten a plastic one over your head and then tighten it until the sweet kiss of oblivion ends this torture. Of course, joking about suicide on a website devoted to this violent and depraved team might be in poor taste. But where else is there to go?

While other teams race for the playoffs, the Mets are too busy bailing their players out of jail. All you need to do to understand the story of the Mets is open your (in my case out of town edition of the) NY Times. The NY media never misses a Mets mix-up, but it's hard to neglect the Met's recent boners: a pitcher takes a $300 taxi, the shortstop disagrees with the manager about why he makes boneheaded errors, typical stuff. There you'll find a note about how sabermetricians try to guess which teams will make the playoffs with 50 or so games left; guess what, science is telling us the Mets have no chance at the playoffs.

Then you'll see another article on how the Padres bullpen has lifted the team to the top of the NL, specifically highlighting the contributions of one Heath Bell, or as Mets fans know him, Adkins-Johnson. This passage that caught my eye should be enough to get the flavor:

Bell made little impact in parts of three seasons with the Mets, who traded him in 2006 for pitcher Jon Adkins and outfielder Ben Johnson. The Mets had urged Bell to use a longer stride in his delivery, which he said never felt right. The Padres had a different perspective.

Darren Balsley, the pitching coach, said he had watched Bell closely for years, impressed by the way Bell’s short stride seemed to make the ball explode from his hand. He worked with Bell on refining his natural mechanics, instead of revamping them.

The Mets just weren't Balsley enough with Bell. They can't do anything right. Message received.

Then you get to the big news: the Mets "closer" Frankie Rodriguez beat up his relative on Mets' property. While there is no truth to the rumor that so-called K-Rod first tried to strike out his girlfriend/common law wife's father, but only managed to walk him, still, it hasn't been a good month for our Venezuelan Mets.

The Mets are almost never content to be losers on the field; they excel at off-the-field failure too. It says a lot about my character too, that I can't stop thinking about how the Wilpon's could use these repeated violent and inappropriate to get free of this alleged future felon's enormous and pointless contract. If Madoff left Fred any money for a couple of lawyers, I say fuck trading him--void the contract.

This team is an embarrassment on the field and off the field. And probably under the field and over the field if that were possible. Only four or so years after the K*zmir trade wrought sweeping changes to the Wilpon's approach to running the Mets--at least we thought so--we are at that point again with this dysfunctional and pitiable organization. If you have hope that it can only get better, remember, this is the organization that had to be told to display Mets related items in its own brand new stadium (you know, the one effectively paid for by taxpayers after its sponsor turned out to be one of the biggest criminals in the worst financial crisis of our lifetimes). The induction of the felonious, domestically violent Gooden and Strawberry into the Met hall of fame may turn out to be the 2010 season highlight. Every time you think it's the last straw, it isn't.

Mets Look Almost Smart for One Day: Cora Released, Tejada Makes Plays, Francoeur Brings the Lazr

2010-08-08T00:54:00.000-07:00

Don't let Frenchy's fleeting success confuse you.

Sorry Jeff, but you still got to go. However, we hope you enjoy your success and bask in the victory you gave the Mets with your dramatic home run last night. Your smile will be missed.

Isolated homers nor puppies can save this career.

11368 is a Joke--Wilpon To Metsfans: Minaya is like Global Warming, Get Used to It

2010-08-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Mets 2007-2011 and beyond. No I do not know what the guy on the left is doing.

Last night's loss against the Phillies is another unremarkable one, other than it occured to me that this team has cemented it's status as the Washington Generals of baseball, with any and every team standing in for the Globetrotters. The Mets are "pantsed" by teams great and small and they don't seem to know the joke is on them. A risible ruin. A pathetic punchline. A Jerrible joke. Sure, we can argue over the precise moment the Mets crossed the (Adam) Rubicon to become the laughingstocks of the MLB, like when they extended their hapless GM in the middle of an epic collapse or mishanded every single injury that befell their star players in comical fashion, or...on and on. But they are there. The Mets are the Generals, only they just make children cry.

***

The sun will come up tomorrow is usually a hopeful thing to say, Fred

If the tabloids are to be trusted, Chief Dumbass Fred Wilpon has casually let it slip that we can expect Omar Minaya's tenure as Mets GM to continue for the foreseeable future, as we would expect the sun to come up in the morning. I think this is probably the biggest news of the past few seasons. And it is bad news, almost too bad to verbalize or come up with witty things to say. It's a disaster. I often hyperbolize for comic effect here, but I can't really exaggerate how terrible this is. After his cavalier endorsement of his bumbling GM, Fred wasn't done.

To further infuriate his fan base, Wilpon also gave a thumbs up on the job performance by his son, team COO Jeff Wilpon. As Fred Wilpon ducked into a chauffeured automobile he was asked about the job Jeff is doing,
“Excellent,” Fred Wilpon said. “Everybody knows that.”

There are various ways to interpret these off the cuff comments as reported in tabloid outlets looking for stories, but I think the main take-away is that the Wilpons continue to be tone-deaf. That and the franchise is looking at 1-3 years more mediocrity at best. I think the Wilpons will start to feel this in their pockets, whether or not the Madoff affair has affected their baseball thinking. Because if you take away hope, all you have is a terrible team, and no one wants to watch the careers of the couple of marginal stars the Mets have managed to develop being squandered in a morass of despair. It makes me wonder very seriously if the Dodgers aren't going to go on sale soon after the McCourt's divorce winds its way through court. That might be the only way out of this.

Different segments of the fan community deal with the disaster that is 2010 in their own special ways, with their own particular rituals. The irate radio caller community gets it's yayas out by denouncing the team's core players and their lackluster ways. The sabermetric community consoles themselves by realizing they knew it all along, rejoicing in their special relationship with both randomness and objectivity. The young of heart imagine trades and other maneuvers that could bring the magic, nurture the hope that roster construction tweaks could solve all the current Met regime's problems. New fans, well I doubt this club has any recent converts. Me? I just smurf the web, looking (to no avail) for obscene pictures of Little Orphan Annie to use in this post.

***
Impeach Pedro?

Sometimes athletes need to just say "no comment." If this article is to be believed, Pedro Martinez thinks the Mets should have him in their rotation to babysite the likes of LOLiver Perez and Pelfrey. This sentiment is so unrealistic, so ex-ballplayer fantasy, it would be funny. Except for Pedro is also bitter at the Mets for failing to resign him. Pedro, just sit there and count all the money you took from the Mets while you rehabbed for most of your contract. Sit there and keep quiet. C'mon Petey, use your coconut!

***
If rumors have any basis in reality, some more insult will likely be added to our injury presently. I dunno which Mariner F-Mart would be worth trading for, but I feel it is a dead certainty I won't like it. Omar must be aiming for something like the old WWF wrestling trick of enraging the braindead fanbase by having characters come out dressed as Sheiks, minorities and whatever other stereotypes enrage an audience white and other trash. Point being, it's not logical, Omar just wants to get a rise out of us, because he knows he can't be fired and that the Wilpon's no longer believe in accountability. So get ready to have a folding chair smashed over your head and watch young, cheap potential be traded for old, expensive spare parts and a story.

Hisanori Takahashi Would Like Some Answers Please

2010-08-05T01:51:00.000-07:00

Was yesterday's defeat at the hands of the Br*ves notable? Nah. Same shit, different season.

But I know my way around a box score more or less, and I can see this: The Mets one through five hitters (the guys we like) got about two hits in 18 at bats. The Mets "stars" were so careless in the field that the thought occurred to millions of Mets fans almost simultaneously: they are trying to get Jerry Manuel fired. Of course, why didn't we see this before?

The sixth inning was as bad as any of the nightmares of the past 3 seasons. Down by only 3 runs, the scene transpired like this:

First it was Reyes, allowing Melky Cabrera to reach base on his second throwing error of the game. Then, after Omar Infante's single, it was Davis booting a ball to load the bases. And finally it was Wright, firing wide of second base on Chipper Jones' potential double-play ball.

After the game, Hisanori Takahashi wanted to know what the fuck kind of ground balls his infielders could field (my own translation). Aren't the Wonder Twins established enough to start focusing on the game and stop treating us to cascading failures of defensive indifference and butchery? As the team has gone down the 2010 shitter, the ol' Mets defense is back in the house. It looks on some nights as though Beltran has added lackadaisical play (6th tool) to his greatly diminished range. And watching David Wright (pansy arm that needs to move to 2nd base) and Jose Reyes (dreadlock brain lock???) throw the ball with reckless abandon last night, I started to wonder how many teams have ever had each member of their infield commit errors in a single game. If you're a betting person, you had to like your odds in the 7th with Luis Castillo the only one left without error--it's like hitting for the cycle when you already have the homer, triple, and double out of the way. Anyhow, that's the kind of day dream this team inspires. Can you blame fans for thinking the Mets have "given up"? You'd have to find them first to blame them, and I think Shitty Field is going to be a good place to protect witnesses at in August and September.

This play looks much better after last night's shittery.

It has gotten so bad that the Mets management now routinely announces how it is going to buck common sense and do the wrong thing, the questionable thing. They actually come out and tell the media Oliver Perez will not be asked to report to the minors and they won't be cutting him either. Carlos Beltran will play centerfield the rest of the season on bad knees. Sure, there's an argument to be made at this point for each decision, but it really seems as though they are just sticking it in our faces, like a Pyrrhic "victory" pie delivered by Cogz4Pie.

If anyone was paying attention, I recently posed the question, what are we Mets fans to do, now that the season is effectively over? That two months of getting our hopes up only to have them dashed in the most painful manner imaginable? Well, we won't have that this year. Here are a few suggestions I came up with:

Backman, shown here obliging Omar Minaya, could be the next contestant on Real World Flushing.

1. Ask: What's Next?

The franchise has achieved a level of dysfunction that, in our culture, is inevitably graced with its own "reality show." So let's make it happen, right? Not coincidentally, the post-apocalyptic future is already on view: Playing for Peanuts is apparently a reality show* featuring Mets management heir-apparent Wally Backman (shown here already grandstanding for the media in true nauseating reality show fashion), almost ex-Diamondback and current Cyclone manager, when he was a fine addition to the Met tradition of making a mockery of baseball in new unpredictable ways. This is what they are planning to dangle in front of us this winter to get us interested again? Is it a new kind of fucking embarrassment? Yes. And that alone makes it possible.

***

Look who's being measured for the Met's dugout.

We've got to start wrestling with the idea of Backman as manager, leaving his DUI, domestic disturbance and worse, reality TV background aside. The media seems to have sniffed out the Wilpon's plan and is running with it. As of right now, my ordered preferences for next manager are:
a) as yet unnamed great manager
b) Bobby V. redux and
c) Backman

What does Backman bring to the table? Well, I'm not sure. He loves to teach young players to bunt. Rejoice, fans, for the return of top-of-the-order scrappiness!

Darrell Ceciliani, just turned 20, was a lefty power hitter back home in Oregon, but in his first batting practice in Brooklyn, he felt the offshore gale blowing in from right field, straight from Iceland, [editors' note**] and decided he might have to place the ball.

“I never bunted at all,” Ceciliani said. “It was tough at first, but he kept working with me.”

Ceciliani learned how to push a bunt down the third-base line, messing with the fielders’ minds, and on opening night he ignited a late rally. He is now batting .379 , leading the New York-Penn League. No homers but around 10 bunt hits.

If he gets the job, Backman will yell, use curse words, and get in the face of whatever's left of the Mets' current roster. I admit that will be vicariously satisfying for a while since this team often comes off as lethargic and somehow complacent--who wouldn't love to scream at this team?-- but will in-your-face antics result in a better Mets team? Will throwing stuff on the field and attacking banquet tables whip this sorry crew into shape? Will kicking dirt on umpires make up for poor roster construction, piss-poor on field decisions, and top to bottom organization rot? Color me doubtful.

***
2. Continue to revel in the franchise's glorious history

I can imagine Jeff and Fred Aol-mailing each other the following: "Hey can we sell some more tickets with another Hall of Fame celebration? What are Pat Zachry and Todd Pratt doing this weekend?"

If the Wontpons want to dredge up some more ex-Mets, they need only check the scandal sheets. Spitter and career bed-shitter Roberto Alomar is being accused of domestic violence (story by way of CSTB) by his wife, María “Maripily” del Pilar Rivera, who plans to file for divorce. What do many ex-Mets have in common, besides a life of crime? Well, apparently, odd forays into business. Alomar is involved in a company that sells hearing aids. Which is downright laudable, compared to other ex-Mets ventures in car washes, sexual harassment and bold investor scams, and trying to steal the Mets manager's job.

***
3. Fuck it. Go watch Japanese TV (NSFH)

* Speaking of reality shows, there's this nugget from DohPee:

Team sources maintain that they are not considering releasing Perez, or sending him to the minor leagues.
"I wish I had a reality show," Perez said. "Then you could see how hard I'm working."

** hey, Vecsey, Iceland is near Europe. You want Greenland. Or the North Pole. Or Vermont. Look at a fucking map, you old fartface.

Just Like Olden Days: Hicks Molest Johan While Mets Go Through Motions

2010-08-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. Time to trot out old photo shopping.Time to lose to the Br*ves.

In my memory, the Mets of the late 1990s and early 2000s used to lose habitually to the Br*ves too, but often times it was a bitter struggle to the death. Often times, the Mets were just the less talented team. Your 2010 (and '07, '08, and '09) Mets are a different story. They don't know how to hit or score. But instead of focusing and doing the little things right to make up or this, they loaf and get distracted, make mental errors and take days off. They look to walk with the pitcher spot up next and two outs. They la-di-da to the ball in the outfield on base hits, allowing the opposition to take extra bases. They take their time on potential double plays. The Mets never threatened in this one, so you couldn't call it a heart-breaker. What hurts the heart is that, supposedly, these Mets don't lack for talent, some $120 or $130 million of it. They just have no idea how to win a baseball game, and on nights like last night, don't look too troubled by this flaw. This isn't that remarkable since they are well paid, and it is only a game. But you'd think anyone who performs a great deal of their job in public under so much scrutiny and relative accountability would show a smidgen of pride, perhaps altering their approach at the plate or making plays as crisply as possible so that the little, less visible mistakes don't add up to yet another loss. There's no fight in this team and the 2010 Mets are done. They aren't worth your time and they aren't worth mine.

***
Good god y'all. Success is a nuisance. (The Pretty Good Sports Show stolen from Metsradamus by way of CSTB). I don't know what the fuck that is, but I do know that it looks like Jason Bay is going to have a lot more ice cream date time with Ron Artest than expected.

***
If you're tempted to pity Jeff Francoeur after reading this, just think of how cruel sportswriters have been to enable Frenchy's fantasy that he is anything more than his current production suggests. I wish him well, but he belongs in the minors somewhere, where maybe he can catch on as a fourth outfielder on a fourth division club (just not mine!).

***
What are we Mets fans supposed to do for the next two months?

Hall of Shame, Mets Got No Game, Plenty of Blame

2010-08-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

The glory days are now long gone.

Are you one of the three or four people in the world unaware of the Omar Minaya regimes' utter and complete failure to develop a competitive baseball team, even with all the resources of a major media market? Or maybe you're a sober believer in consistency and think a revolving door of managers might temporarily sooth the fanbase but does nothing for a club's long-run success. Well perhaps you tuned into yesterday's matinee, which your favorite organization used to once again throw the club's past, fleeting successes into relief with the dire straits of its present and the muddleheadedness of its doomed future. After viewing the latest shenanigans, if you went to bed unconvinced that ownership needs to get what they can for anyone that makes it through waivers, experiment with the rest of the season and reconvene in the winter with new management team, well, then I'm a monkey's uncle.

Oliver to Mets fans: YuR WeLcome!

Yesterday was a perfect Mets game, a real treat for the fans. As usual, the club could not handle the stress of having a 1986 celebration and a home game on the same day, and promptly shit the bedroom with their pitching, lack of offense, and horrendous, careless defense. So not only did the Metz attempt to ruin this blog's FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, but they also took another steamy dump all over what little tradition Mets fans can lay claim to.

A run for their money?

Normally nice Niese made it four innings or so before abdicating his responsibilities for the day, starters Frenchy and Cora ("FranCora") turned in their normal roster-spot-occupying performances at one point or another, Wright and Reyes were MIA, the LOLPen was unfathomably dreadful. And of course the ritual Ollie appearance (at $1 million a pop) after the game was well out of hand.

The last meaningful thing Omar and Jeffey did?

Complaining about Jerry's managing is like complaining about the catering during a Chernobyl picnic. So I will only say that rehashing the 1986 Mets' success is getting old, really old. Some have rightfully defended Omar's pat stand at yesterday's trade deadline, arguing that he really can't be giving up future farmhands for the future of a team that is in such a present predicament (read: season effectively over). But he's in this predicament partially because he has no plan to speak of. Why the Wilpons haven't had the locks changed yet is one of baseball's great mysteries.

Like this picture, there is no way to fix the mess Omar has made.

Frank Cashen, who along with Doc, Straw and Davey made an diverting appearance on Sunday's SNY telecast, was recently asked to give Omar some advice:

Cashen was asked whether he had any advice for Minaya.
"Other than hanging in there? With a particular emphasis on hanging," Cashen said, laughing.

Exactly.

A vision of the near future at Shitty Field.

Road Tripped: Mets Continue to Debase Game of Baseball, Dishonor Fanbase

2010-07-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

Someone told this monkey he had to watch the Mets play baseball.

Well the Mets can't possibly lose today, giving us time to reflect on the debased brand of sucking our heroes have produced since the All Star break. This is a team that can't hit Aaron Heilman, can't hit George Sherrill, can't score in extra innings, can't beat struggling teams, can't beat good teams, and most times, can't seem to do anything but pop-up and flail at as many first pitches as possible. They don't score runs. You just got to wonder what is going on in that clubhouse.

Is it time to let someone else have a chance?

The Wilpons don't seem inclined to pull the trigger on their GM who, of course, decided to give his ineffectual-at-best manager a vote of confidence in the midst of one of the worst losing streaks in recent memory. Of course, last we saw, the Wilpons extended their GM at the very moment his brain child was wetting its bed. But while the entire front office and coaching squad could stand to be replaced, you can't ultimately expect the field management to do much with such a terrible, awful, no-good team. I think 2006 is the last time this team was not less than the sum of its parts--there is no explanation for the malaise that oozes onto the baseball field when the umpires say "play ball" and the Metropolitan's mixture of stars and scrubs take the field. Soon, Mets baseball will be as popular in NY as a jihadist Tex-Mex restaurant (try the al-Quesadilla!).

Good trip.

Bad trip.

So no sense in talking about the Dodgers series in particular or the road-trip in general. But it's remarkable to think, particularly in the context of last year--that so much has actually gone right for these bumbling bozos. It almost seems as they have had to make an effort at extra-uninspired suckitude. Think of it. The starting pitching could have been much much worse: the emergence of Dickey and to some extent, Takahasi coupled with the way the maddening mediocrity of John Maine and Oliver Perez was largely contained for most of the season make me think that turned out as good as it could have. Angel Pagan has played over his head for the whole first half. Ike Davis has provided solid defense if not remarkable offense since taking over at first. As far as we know as of this minute, Beltran and Reyes are healthy enough for baseball activities, a blessing in and of itself. Parnell seems stronger this time around, and Niese has survived, even if we may have lost our Dickey last night. Hell, Omar could improve upon last season's performance just by DFAing OP and conjuring up a trade partner for Francoeur. So I wouldn't say that things have broken bad for this team, they just suck.

TURN LEFT YOU SUCKAS!

***
By the way, the Mets Xmas Curse has taken another victim. John Maine is getting surgery and will likely never be seen again in a Mets or any other jersey.

In other news, it looks like the Mets will have to find Doc Gooden first if they want to induct him into their Hall of Fame next weekend.

***

This won't be necessary this season, thanks!

Since you won't have to worry about the Mets making the playoffs this year anymore after this roadtrip, you may be interested in catching up on your reading. Sunday's Times had an interesting story on the origins of umpire hand signals.

Also, do yourself a favor and check out the mindblowing graphics of New York University Movement Lab, Complete Game Consulting, and the NY Times in a video that deconstructs Mariano Rivera's cutter.

***
It is hard to catalog or even process all the great moments in Mets malaise since the club's last world series appearance (which was pretty ignominious itself). But since it now looks like 2010 will be another lost season, I am taking the opportunity to remember the path that brought us to this place (again). Photos are the most visceral way of reminiscing about decision-making at its finest. The Minaya regime has basically taken up right where the Phillips regime ended, featuring a similarly headscratching decision making process, only with less success (and fewer sexual harassment cases most likely). Here's a few random pictures that capture the ineptitude in an on-going photo essay.

Happy Bay Day, Eh?

2010-07-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

Today just seems like great day to recognize all the great things that Canada and those born there contribute to make the world a swell place. A little help appreciating Canada, from our friends over at "Canada Kicks Ass":

Canada is home to the world's third largest food franchise--Fogen Frutz
Canadians invented the baseball glove
Canadians invented insulin
the movie Titanic was written, directed and produced by a Canadian, James Cameron
Canadians invented the kitchen stove
More medals per capita than any other country at the Atlanta Summer Olympics
Canadians invented cable T.V.
more drinkable water than anywhere else in the world

***
The Mets organization is "Happy as Hell and They're Going to Take it Some More." What, you want to fire a guy during a losing streak? That just ain't right. Only fire guys when they're winning. That's what Omar says:

"Jerry Manuel's our manager," Minaya said. "Look, any time you're going to have a couple losing things, those things are going to pop up, but there's no discussion at all. Jerry Manuel is our manager, going to be our manager -- very happy with the job he's done." "Jerry's our manager," Minaya said. "When we signed Jerry -- for me to discuss Jerry's job status after a losing streak, it's just not right. Teams are going to have losing streaks. It's not right to discuss a manager's status. I tell you he's our manager and I see him being our manager."

And, just for laughs:

"If I'm not mistaken, we're 4 1/2 half out in that range, and we have a lot of baseball left to play," Minaya said, although the Mets are actually 6 1/2 games behind the first-place Braves.

Are You Still Watching? Mets Tank Early This Year

2010-07-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

The time since the All Star break has been a blur, but I'm still having nightmares about that guy (below) we saw in San Francisco. Mostly his hair. He wasn't the last opposing pitcher to dominate the Mets as Aaron Heilman and Hong-chih Kuo have also taken their turn, but he was the scariest looking of the bunch.

First the resignation. Then the false hope. Then the gut-wrenching but inevitable failures, followed by the gnashing of the teeth. Then the Oliver Perez appearance. The cycle is all too familiar for Metz fans these days. And being the Metz, they find a way to make losing interesting, and if at all possible, devastating. This year, the Metz have decided they just won't score anymore (shut out 4 of last 10 games). Take that, few remaining Met fans.

Unfortunately, I've already done all I can do with Tim McCarver based humor.

At the break, we had reason to hope. Beltran was coming back, Reyes was only mildly injured, and Santana had been coming around. Oh what a difference a few series make. Now all seems really lost. Solidifying his reputation among Los Mets types, Carlos Beltran has (perhaps presumptuously) publicized his problems with appearing in Arizona at next year's All Star snoozefest. Unfortunately, he also is having problems with catching fly balls these days, perhaps due to rustiness, perhaps due to decline, or perhaps due to dragging an exo-skeleton around center field. Truly horrible hitter Rod Barajas also took a laudable political stand by wearing Mike Pelfrey's jersey (better watch out or you might draw fire from Alex Cora!). I wonder if these guys shouldn't stick to figuring out how to win ballgames.

Will the Mets make a killer move at the trade deadline?

In any event, you can't say the Metz have received a boost by Beltran's return. They look even more putrid than they did right before the All Star break.

Brace yourself, the rest of this season might get uglier.

Is Our Short Local Nightmare Finally Over?
Chemistry master-power arm-frequent flier-clubhouse barber Jeff Francoeur may be traded soon, so that's kind of neat. Unlike a lot of fanboys, I'm not ready to indict the French Connection for crimes against humanity. Maybe I just don't care enough, deckchairs on the Titanic and all. Now, if Omar can find someone dumb enough to take Frenchy, I'll just be happy I don't have to learn to spell his name. But Frenchy just wants to play, man, even apparently going so far as to demand a trade. Jeff, you can't hit a baseball. For the most part, that's an occupational requirement for all clubs. Other than the Mets, who will employ you?

Yay! the Wilpon's favorite team is going to sweep the Mets!

Omar's had his interesting moments. But after 6 or 7 years, 3 or 4 of which have been jaw dropping failures, Omar's time has come and gone. I expect him to be fired at some point in the next 3 months. Jerry won't be rehired, of course, if he does make it through the season. The Wilpons too, need to look in the mirror, and ask themselves if they really know what the hell they're doing. If I was owner, last season, when their team defiled the opening of their brand new stadium, would have seemed like rock bottom to me. But the Wilpons are delusional when it comes to rock bottom. The injury excuse has been exposed as bogus, the starting rotation exposed, the bullpen laughable, and the team is now tied down to the contracts of Jason Bay and "K-Rod" (I think even the Mets will cut ties with Oliver Perez eventually), and has no idea if Beltran's career is over. They have intriguing youth at first and catcher, and I wonder if, by expertly filling right field and second base holes with guys that can change the offensive chemistry, some management could get this team to click again like in 2006. I can't really say what they could possibly do to fix this team short of blowing it up, but I think the next six months may turn out to be the most important time in recent franchise history. Next time they go shopping for a GM and manager, the Wilpons need to do it right. Or even better, sell the team to someone with a clue.

On second thought, maybe the Wilpons shouldn't look in the mirror.

Take Me Out to the Citi: Fun With the Mets Guide

2010-07-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

More on my recent (first) trip to Citifield-TARP park later. But I thought I'd start off sharing the souvenir I collected. Presented with the opportunity to purchase Volume 49 Issue 3 for a mere $5 (almost less than a bottle of water!), I couldn't resist! Here are some of the Mets Magazine's most exciting features.

Hmm. "Doin' Wright." What does that mean? It seems to need more information. Doin' who or what right? Do they mean a pun on "doin' all right"? Or maybe the guy with the tongue in the picture is doing right by someone. Perhaps the fans? We may have just hit the wall for innocuous David Wright-related puns.

Wow, temporary tats. Neato! But how do they work? Will they all fit in the small of my back?

Ah, I see. Kudos for providing some instructions. Off to clean my skin.

However, shame on the Mets for perpetrating the worst, most cruel stereotypes of Metsfans here.

Ah, all is forgiven. The Rod Barajas Poster is just the stuff. When I get it back from the framing store, it will go right on the wall in the space between my high school diploma and Valerie Bertinelli cheesecake poster.

Breaking Bad: Mets Borrow Victory from Br*ves, Promise to Give it Back Soon

2010-07-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Mets must keep Ollie at Bay if they are to survive the second half.

"Hello hello. Anybody there?"
--Fox Sports South announcer Chip Carey after power surge from heavens.

Was the massive power surge that disrupted the broadcast of the last game before the break in Taxpayer Field some kind of message from the baseball gods? The Br*ves announcers inflicting themselves upon me seemed ready to phone in the rest of the game, which is luckily the task Atlanta players decided to take upon themselves. If that's not a sign, what about Jason Bay being benched on his own bobblehead day? Just what do the baseball gods have planned for the Metropolitans?

Now that Lebronnukah is over, and the bar for athlete conduct, not to mention pointless narcissism, is set a notch lower. Lebron couldn't have known Johan Santana was about to limbo under that bar when his majesty planned "the Decision," but the King (along with soccer) may have done the Mets ace a favor by hogging all available media outlets.

The dog days of summer are here and the sports stage is cleared for baseball. If you're a Metfan, no one can blame you if you suspect the stage is also set for disappointMet. After hanging improbably with the NL East for most of the first half, have the Mets served notice that this mirage is about to melt away into a sandy horizon? Or are they about to go on a tear and displace the pretenders from Atlanta while tasing the resurgent Philies of Philadelphia town? If only there were a way casual fans could keep electronic diaries to record their thoughts on the keys to the Mets' second half. That would be swell.

Troubles:
1. Starting pitching. Santana struggles have abated over the last two starts, thankfully. Perhaps it really was just a matter of building up arm strength. But lately Big Pelf looks spent, and the Mets lost out on Cliff Lee to the nearly bankrupt Rangers. If the Pelfrey pretense is really over, you wonder how long Niese, Dickey and Co. can keep it up. Will landing a non-Lee pitcher really make that much of a difference?
2. Reyes is injured yet again. This probably should be numero uno. It's a bad sign and I don't wanna talk about it.
3. Francoeur is still playing regularly. The Mets got what they wanted with this guy, but with Pagan's emergence and Beltran supposedly back, is it finally time to cull this badger?
4. Impending date or something with Oliver Perez.
The latest report I have read has Perez right about where he usually is:

Perez had a rough outing Sunday in his third minor league start and first for Class AAA Buffalo. He allowed only one unearned run in five innings, but they were five extraordinarily ugly innings: Perez gave up three hits and five walks, hit two batters and threw two wild pitches.
Only 52 of his 100 pitches were strikes, and he also made a throwing error.

It would be revolutionary if the Mets cut ties with this left-handed potsie for good.

Revelations:
1. Pagan worship. What can we say, Angel Pagan has been ritually magic. We'll see if getting less playing time does anything to his performance. Watching some old video of the Beltran-Cameron collision wouldn't hurt either.
2. Wright Worries over? Davey boy seems to have righted the ship and has some well struck balls to match his well-plucked eyebrows.
3. Interior Defense: While he has started to struggle offensively, Ike has played well enough in the field to help give the infield, so long as Jose Reyes is playing, the feel of a playoff team.
4. Beltran's Back? I still will have to see it before I believe it. But tonight, we will see our first glimpse of the man who has clear goals for the Mets--to help the club "try to be in the playoffs." Of course, expect disaster but try not to cringe, otherwise you'll give yourself away as an unseasoned Metfan.

As you may have noticed, I have had difficulty of late upholding this blog's original purpose, to unfailingly ~~inform~~ ~~insult~~ ~~enlighten~~ ~~amuse~~ opine aimlessly for my audience of ~~juveniles~~ ~~literate parolees~~ ~~ne'er-do-wells pikers~~ esteemed colleagues. But together, we have survived so much over the past 5 years of yuks so I am moved to press onward through the disappointments of another season. In other words, let's go Mets.

Heyman, Nice Shot! Media Offers Jerry Contract Extension, Can Mets be Far Behind?

2010-06-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

This post best enjoyed accompanied by the video above.

Temporary lack of freak injuries + short winning streak+wild-card lead= ?

Don't be coy, Mets fans. You know exactly how to solve that equation. While you ponder that, look what just made noted Sports Illustrated scribe Jon Heyman's list of the best decisions of the past year list: "The Mets’ decision to retain Jerry Manuel after an abysmal 2009 season."

You read that right. When the Wilpon's threw their hands up and didn't fire anyone after consecutive debacles, it was a terrific decision, not a miserable concession to the reality of their impoverished notions of running an organization. Look, media columns need to be filled and that means lists filled with indefensible contentions must be propagated. I get it. But unless this is a piece of performance art, there is no call for writing something like this:

Manuel was put on warning, but Mets ownership never seemed close to firing him even after the team started poorly in 2010. To his credit, a more confident, positive feeling in the clubhouse has aided the team’s rather stark turnaround to the top of the wild card standings. Manuel has a very thick skin (a necessity in New York) and a knack for developing a positive feeling, even when things appear down. He has an option for about $1.5 million for 2010 (sic), but a multiyear extension is in order.

In this understanding, it's time for MAJOR rewards for all those involved in the last few weeks of marginal success. We're talking contract extensions, if not part ownership.

Words are the problem here. Coming up with which ones accurately describe the way this set of ideas strikes me. "Preposterousity." Is that a word?

Here's the thing. An extension for Manuel is entirely possible. And the Mets, if they follow their normal mode of operations (see: extending Omar) will wait for just the right moment, which will be something like when the Mets somehow fall out of the wildcard race because Jerry misread a lineup card, or when it's revealed that Johan has been allowed to pitch with a nail through his elbow, or upon the news that Omar just traded Mejia for the pickled beard of Tim Redding.

There have to be other qualifications than "a very thick skin" and "a knack for developing a positive feeling, even when things appear down." Otherwise, the Mets owe it to their fans to open the manager competition to other qualified personages, such as the following candidates:

1. The Schmoo

As managers, Schmoos preach aggressiveness and the use of dexterous feet: their players are always taking the extra base and hustling down the line. Schmoo has a real presence in the dugout, this despite his inability to deploy the hand-signs most managers and bench coaches rely upon. Said to favor reinstating Razor Shines as third base coach. As for handling the long knives of the metropolitan media, Schmoos are delicious to eat, and eager to be eaten.

2. Caveman Ringo Starr

Having discovered fire, Ringo will really light up an interview room. The knock on him as an in-game manger is that Ringo can fade into the background when the tempo slows down and the team harmonizes. Also his tendency to literally rip the arms off bullpen pitchers and roast them over a spit will represent an improvement over the current Met regime's approach to only the most jaded wags. But when the giant dinosaur shit hits the palm fan, there's nobody you'd rather have in your cave.

3. Happy elephants

You want thick skin, you should see how happy elephants handle NY media churlishness (not to mention questions about bullpen roles and their baffling pinch hitting decisions). They barely notice!! Of course, sad, down-in-the-mouth elephants without a positive outlook on life need not apply; that'd be silly!

4. Manimal

Yes, Manimal is not real. But arguably, he has the creditability that the Wilpons look for in a hire; anyone that knows the secrets that divide man and animal can certainly manage a bullpen and restrain themselves from throwing good outs away. In addition to reputation for helping the police solve crimes by transforming into a hawk or a panther, Manimal is also rumored to be a "true Yankee," adding to an already impressive pedigree.

Mets Flashback Continues: Yanks Remind Jerry's Kidz of Their Limits

2010-06-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

Bat fight: why couldn't Mike finish him off when he had the chance?

Just a few comments because, well, no one likes to blog after watching their team get slapped down by ass munches across town. But the back to the future theme continues, as the Mets continue to chase the Br*ves and now have had their bubble burst by their ancient nemesis, the Spankees. The team with the $300 billion dollar payroll and their round on the mound ace CC Sabathia (aka the biggest winner) had no problem putting an end to the Mets modest winning streak, and for good measure, easily grabbed a weekend series that really might have meant something for Jerry's Kidz. Even with two of their superstars on the mend and playing at half speed, the remaining $200 billion worth of Spankee players was more than a match for our wildcard-at-best squad. The series was a mixed bag. Jose Reyes' missteps lately have been limited to his haircut and headdress--otherwise he's been raking at the plate, snappy in the field, and dazzling on the dance floor. Can't wait to see his latest handshakes.

"Remember when you were as good as me? Now you can't get out of your own way."

Johan wasn't bad today, but he wasn't good either. Sad to say, this was one of his better showings in the subway series. If you're not worried that the Mets ace is injured or has lost it, then you're living under a rock. Speaking of hardly imposing, the Amazing Mets offense pulled off another disappearing trick, not scoring for the last 15 innings of the series, though to be fair, they were facing some tough, fat pitching. But fairness ain't got nothing to do with it; it's hard to remember how we ever thought this was a rivalry.

Sabathia, before dining on a sumptuous pregame meal of Jeter's ex-girlfriends (Arod's are too chewy).

Oh well, at least the subway series wasn't humiliating this season (3-3 tie). You know, like Dwight Gooden/Darryl Strawberry as Yankers, or like A Rod wanting to become a Met before taking the $$ to join the Rangers who then pay the Yankees to take him. A quick stop at wikipedia refreshes the memory if you want to know what humiliation is in its most recent vintage:

June 14, 2009 – Francisco Rodriguez confronts Bruney during batting practice and are separated by teammates. The Yankees shutout the Mets 15–0 in the biggest blowout in the history of the series, tagging Met ace Johan Santana for nine runs in 3 1/3 innings, the most Santana has ever allowed in his career.

June 28, 2009 – Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, who entered the game to face a batter in the 8th inning, bats against Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez at the top of the 9th inning. Rivera drew a walk with the bases loaded, forcing home Brett Gardner to earn his first career RBI. Rivera would go on to finish the game and earn his 500th career save as the Yankees swept the series at Citi Field.

MLB rip offs now fit in your pocket

When are people going to say enough is enough? The recession hasn't slowed MLB gauging down a bit. Recently, one lawmaker got into the action over exorbitant ticket fees for Yankees tickets--$10 in fees for a $5 ticket got him steamed. Why anyone would want to be seen in Yankee stadium now that Lady Gaga is on the prowl is beyond me (that guy scares me), but in principle this pisses me off.

"Why can't the other team score any goals?"

Now that I am sporting an Ipod touch, I am privy to a whole new world of MLB nickle and diming shenanigans courtesy of MLB.com, a notoriously buggy enterprise. From what I gather, the MLB purposely stripped down its Gamecast--admittedly weak soup already--so they could charge for this "app" they have. They give away this app, "At Bat," in a shitty almost useless version, called "lite" to try to drive you to "upgrade" to the pay version which you can use to watch mlb.tv, if you bought that. So they nail you first for the service ($80-100), then rig it so they can get you again ($14) for the right to watch the service on your mobile device. The best thing (besides the crappy service and blackouts of course) is that the app then expires at the end of the season, though I bet they do fans who don't pay close attention the courtesy of automatically renewing the app on their credit card next April.

Wanna get fucked by the MLB? There's an app for that.

Of all the institutions I wish would get its comeuppance before this recession peters out, the MLB is up there on the list. Without remorse, they have gauged the fans since the sport's rebirth after the 'roid aided McGuire-Sosa HR fest. Someday they'll have to beg those same fans to come back. Until then, I have only my rallying cry: Bite me, Bud!

The Summer of Dickey

Maybe it's just me, but are baseball headlines getting more salacious? One report encapsulated the Mets Saturday loss to the Yankees thusly: "Yankee's Long Balls Give Phil Hughes His 10th Win." That's a victory that sounds painfully Pyrrhic. So if you're suffering Dickey headline withdrawl, here's a potential headline for you: "Touchy Pirates End Sausage Fest." Maybe you can do better than I did.

Br*ve Old World in the NL East? Back to the 90s...

2010-06-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Jerry's Kidz Renaissance Means Mets Suddenly Looking Up at the Br*ves in the Standings

Are the good ole' days back?

Wherein the author connects current goings-on to the era when the Atlanta club won 13 straight NL East titles.

The Mets organization came into the 2010 season in a blaze of incompetence and laugh-worthy planning. Oliver Perez would be a starter. Mike Jacobs would replace Daniel Murphy at first. You get the idea. No Met fan of sound mind could look at the NL East and think the Mets in their current configuration had a prayer of competing. I admit having enjoyed the freedom one feels when writing off one's team. Yet here the Mets are in mid-June in second place, and, if that wasn't remarkable enough, the Mets are looking up, not at the hated Phillies, but instead, at the accursed Atlanta Br*ves. So if you feel asleep in 1999 and woke up today (here's looking at you Bobby Cox) the standings wouldn't surprise you at all (though depending on how attentive you are, you might wonder where the Expos went).

So do not adjust your monitor, this is happening: Turner's Hicks served notice when they swept the Phils in early June. When not checking Raul Ibanez' urine for magic properties, letting their infants get plastered at games, and projectile vomiting on fellow fans, Phils phans are probably getting worried right about trailing the Mets now, since they are obsessed with everything the Mets do. The Br*ves could be the real deal and could be destined to add to their impressive history of early round playoff exits, but we'll have to wait and see.

How has this insufferable redneck whined and bitched his club into renewed relevance?

But enough about those fanless, sister-lovin', playoff chokers. Let's launch some preliminary hypotheses that explain the recent success of the NY Metropolitans.

Things that seem to have needed to happen to get to the point where watching this club is tolerable:

1. Oliver Perez is finally nursing his annual fake injury.
Perhaps sending this bozo to the land of make believe restored some integrity to the front office, at least in the eyes of the players who had grown increasingly restless with the Minaya regime's insistence that Perez is a viable member of the team.

2. Ike!
If you're the kind of person that likes to celebrate clubhouse chemistry, why not attribute Met success to the Hebrew Hammer? He's solidified the infield, is unafraid of the dugout railing, likes to launch moonshots occasionally, and is way cooler than David Wright. What more could you ask for?

Phillies fans will be getting worried about the Br*ves too, right after a nap.

3. Project GetMatthewsJettisoned is a success.
Gary Mediocre Joker was finally been dishonorably discharged. This probably had little to no bearing on the team performance, since there is no evidence that GMJ ever even bruised a baseball, but it had to be embarrassing being seen in the same uniform as this 'roid baby. So we can say this might have helped the Mets spirits.

4. Knuckeballs!
Dickey has single-handedly (pun intended of course, all puns are intended when discussing R.A.) revived the fortunes of tabloid and blogger headline writers. He has also managed to keep the Mets in most every game he has pitched. He also inspired me to believe that, should Pelf and Niese fail and Johan continue to slide, the Mets ought to stock their rotation with 2 or 3 more knuckleballers. Who's with me?

Because who wants to see a picture of Jr.?

5. Niese pitching, pretty boy!!
As long as he doesn't go flying off the mound with his hammies rolled up like blinds, he's a credible back end prospect, and a joy to watch.

With the removal of whiners like John Maine and lost causes like GMJ and OP, and the emergence of likable folks such as Ike and Rob Al Dickey (who thankfully is a literate soul who appreciates "human language"), mystery men such as Carter, Barajas and Blanco, and of course nice guy and playoff beard grower Jeff Frenchie, is it possible this team could make a Wild Card run and we'll be saying that the Good Guys Won?

It Was Hard in the Beginning, But Mets' Dickey Refuses to Go Limp

2010-05-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

Fun facts about Dickey:
On August 17, 2008, Dickey tied the record for most wild pitches in an inning, with 4.

Alright, I think I've gotten Dickey out of my system now. Almost. The Mets were able to salvage one blasted victory from another forgettable series. This is the club we expect really, not the one that stole two series in a row from their main rivals. And, as has been widely reported, we can count the Mets GM, perfectly happy to snag that one game in each series, as a fellow traveler.

I want to formally propose here that if the Mets rotation looses any more members to injury or insanity (i.e. Mike Pelfrey), the management needs to take the opportunity to turn its energy to stocking the clubhouse with knuckleballers. What could be more appropriate for this clown-show of an organization? The Mets cannot win if they play fair, so I want to see knuckleballers in the rotation, bullpen, and hanging from the rafters. Imagine what this would do for John Maine's fastball.

Just to show I'm not kidding, I will profile a potential acquisition here in this space. Eri Yoshida, Japan's "Knuckle Princess" is doubtlessly available. The only balls she has are knucklers. She has "dimples and a sidearm knuckleball." She is now a professional baseball pitcher, which is more than I can say for Oliver Perez or Fernando Nieve. It says here she has what it takes to be the next Kaz Matsui. End profile. Omar Minaya needs to have Shinjo place an introductory call on behalf of the Mets, and make this happen. More on this campaign later, but here's a potential motto: "The NY Mets: Knuckleballers on the Mound, Knucklehead's in the Front Office."

***
On to the real news of the day. Managers often like to establish roles for their bullpen guys, to give them a sense of stability, of when and how they'll be used, or in the case of Jerry's Kidz, misused. It looks like Jerry has hit upon Oliver Perez' role with the Mets in the aftermath of Doh'P's second refusal of a minor league assignment. Jerry plans to use him in extra-innings or "something like that."

In the best tradition of tabloid journalism, the Post has some tasty anonymous player quotes on this most recent Ollie disaster (suck it bloggers!):

When told that Manuel’s plan is to save Perez for extra-inning games, one of the Mets players laughed.
“What, we need another 20-inning game and then use him after we’ve used all our pitchers and if a position player’s sinker isn’t biting?” the player said.

Hahahahahaha. That's great stuff, Angel Pagan. We know it's you. Everything is better in life when there are players in a clubhouse willing to whisper cold truths to beat reporters. And what does Ollie have to say for himself?

“I want to stay here.”

The good news here is that the organization is finally in a spot where the reality of the state of Perez' suckitude (that's suckiness and poor attitude combined), and the enormity of the mistake it was resigning him, just cannot be escaped.

MLB Trade Rumors charitably tries to determine potential trading scenarios for Oliver Perez now that he's shit the bed while screwing the pooch. Perhaps the swapping of a really really bad contract?

Gary Matthews Jr.'s contract qualifies as equally bad, but he's already on the Mets.

Oh well, thanks for trying!

Watching Perez get what is coming to him promises to be one of the highlights of this season. And I want to hear the announcement from Omar's mouth.

***

Several years ago, there was a lot of worry over David Wright's advertising partners. For instance, should he or his representatives really be associating Wright's image with a "Reverend Dr." who endorsed exorcism and the drinking of fecal matter, among other things? If you thought Dr. Jaerock Lee and the Salvation Miracles Revival Crusade was sketchy, get a load of the company Wright is keeping now! Indeed, post beaning David Wright may be sliding into old bad habits.

I refuse to post a picture of the "Situation" here.

Wright needs to get right at the plate, sure, but first he needs to look into new representation.

***

"Things I Can't Believe Didn't Happen to the 2009-10 Mets" Dept.

I'm sure I am not the only one claiming that I have always been critical of the ridiculous regular season jump up and down celebrations on home plate, but I will still claim my piece of smug vindication pie. Angels star Kenny Morales broke his fucking leg diving into one of these idiotic victory piles after beating the Mariners in May! So...I told you so. Now stay posted for the player braining on the preposterous "Tal's hill" and pole in Houston's centerfield!

Click this now while you still can!

Mets Steal More Than Just Signs: Phillies Find it Hard To Beat Dickey, Thrown Out of Hizzoner's Court

2010-05-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hizzhoner is not much impressed by the Phillies

The 2010 NY Mets brief renaissance continued last night as the Mets stole a series from the hated Philmes. Though the club remains mired in the final slot in the standings with wild card contention most probably a pipe dream, the baseball gods want us to start caring about this team so our hearts can be ripped out on schedule. That explains the stirring victories over vastly superior clubs (the Yankers and the Philmes) in recent days.

Something new:
People are saying that the play of Angel "Crazy Horse" Pagan should get some credit for the Mets recent successes, but we also should take into account the fact that Jason "Throw Money into the" Bay has started to use that piece of lumber for more than fanning umpires with cool breezes. And of course, R.A. Dickey is probably the real reason, if not for the Mets successes, than for millions of blog posts and renewed interest in the Mets on the part of all of us with sophomoric senses of humor. I say the Mets GM needs to seriously consider A) filling out the rotation with as many knuckleballers as possible and B) cruising Mexico for players and seeing what else we can borrow from Tabasco (and give the Yomiuri Giants a call while we're at it). Winning with players you expect to lose with is much more pleasurable than the usual situation around here, losing with beleaguered star players and a poorly chosen supporting cast, and I'm all for it. Back up the truck Omar, and fill it with scrubs!

Meanwhile the NY media is feasting on the juicy stories flowing from the doomed franchise that is the NY Mets.

Something old:
Darryl Strawberry, who is somehow comfortable pronouncing on anything after the way he's conducted his affairs, got into the clubhouse long enough last Thursday while the Mets were in DC to deliver a pep talk that did or did not rub some Mets players the wrong way. The papers are saying that the until recently useless Jason "K" Bay and clubhouse leader and go-to smiler Jeff "Franchise" Francouer are the aggrieved parties, but also that both players deny this.

Something Borrowed:
Charlie Manuel probably had to be reminded that the Mets are irrelevant to the Philmes in every possible way after he claimed that the Mets should be the ones under investigation for stealing signs. Mannel apologized for his statements:

“That was just something I said that was stupid,” he said. “Someone said something dumb to me, and I said something dumb back. I have a lot of respect for the Mets. It wasn’t very smart.”

While Manuel gave ground, another Phillie, bitter ex-Met Nelson Figueroa, was getting his licks in with some telling quotes:

“There are no guarantees here, but it’s a lot more fun in first place.” Figueroa said it was a bit odd being in the visiting clubhouse because the Phillies see the rivalry with the Mets differently.
“On the other side, we were always worried about the Phillies,” he said. “They’re not worried here. There’s no panic. It’s a different vibe, the whole atmosphere, from management on down.”

Something Blue:
In an article that has no byline (is Jon Harper trying to hide from his own reporting?) in the Daily News, a NY reporter uses rumors and anonymous player sources to make the case that Francisco Rodriguez is chafing under the Jerry Manuel regime's use of his services. As the story goes, the when bullpen coach Randy ~~Newman~~ Niemann told "K"-rod to stop complaining, to which the noted hothead reacted with his noted hotheadedness. It seems like it's been a long time and a lot of shabby play--dating perhaps to the injury of Billy "Countrytime Lemon" Wagner-- since area reporters have mucked any rake about the Mets clubhouse. Without tried and true sources of discontent and centers of controversy such as Wagner and Carlos Delgado, reporters were probably consumed by the advent of their own irrelevance, too much to engage in the kind of stirring up trouble that sells papers and makes stuff interesting.

KnuckleBalls!! Mets Left Holding Their Dickey Again

2010-05-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

"Bye-bye Jerry! What's that you say? You're waving hello?"

I don't have any interest in re-caping last night's game wherein the Mets lost to a superior franchise, I just wanted to put out a lewd blog post to celebrate the Mets latest knuckleballing attraction. Unfortunately, this song didn't have its desired effect. Now that the end is near, I have already turned my full attentions to scratching my head about how this team could be so bad. That and doing some research on Bob Melvin, because I'm curious what difference it will make if the Mets jettison Jerry at some point in the near future.

Jose Reyes is now hitting .210.

Angel Pagan might not be a naturally gifted base runner, but when there is only one choice to make as there is during an in-the-park homerun gallop ("keep running"), he does ok.

***
Finally, a new, non-derivative, worthwhile Met blog! It's been a long time since someone did something interesting.

Mets Suffer Wright-Off Loss

2010-05-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

It was just what the Mets wanted. A ninth inning showdown between the shining light of their hapless and anemic offense and their ex-closer, Billy "Goat" Wagner. Surely ol' Countrytime would accommodate his old teammates--he was always there with a kind word or a short phrase taped to their lockers when they needed him. It started out ok. Wags and umpire Ron"Mea"Culpa conspired to allow Luis Castillo to become safe at first, and then Gary Mediocre Joker of all people, was able to induce Wags to wildpitch old Luis to second. GMJ finally found a talent--ducking out of the way of Wagner's apparent 100 mph fastball. Later, with Castillo at third, David Wright K'd for the third time of the night when a mere flyball would have put the Mets up. To rub salt in the wound that added insult to injury, with the Br*ves at bat in the bottom of the ninth, Wright then took a ball he should have put in his pocket and threw it into right field, allowing the winning run to score. Short of tackling Johan Santana off the mound, Wright did everything one player could do to lose a game on their own.

You can't say David Wright is the Mets' main problem. That would be ridiculous. But boy did he take over the game with his lousy play in the end there. There are a million ways to lose a ballgame, and the NY Mets are slowly working through all of them; you can check off "star player blows it at bat and on the field" if you are keeping track.

You also can no longer say that the Mets don't have Dickey in the way of starting pitching. He's here.

"I have no idea when he's got it, when he doesn't have it," Manuel said, laughing. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no idea."

Just to be clear, Jerry is having a laugh about R.A. Dickey, the starter called up to replace Ollie or Niese or someone tomorrow, not discussing his general game plan. I'm glad Manuel can still laugh about his team's predicament. Ask me three innings into tomorrow's knuckleball spectacular if I'm laughing.

Look Busy, Here Comes Jeffy Jr.: Jerry's Kids Hold on to Not Lose to Atlanta

2010-05-18T00:12:00.001-07:00

Either somebody just saw Bobby Cox naked, or they just watched the NY Mets play baseball.

Most Mets fans, when they read the headline that Jeff Wilpon did not travel to Atlanta to fire Jerry Manuel or Omar Minaya, probably asked: "well then who did?"

Jeffy Jr. (who cannot be fired) made it clear that they had closed door meetings last night in the bowels of Ted Turner's Torture Chamber only to talk baseball, not to, you know, threaten anyone's employment status, while the media and blogeratti circled outside the door waiting for blood, twittering and tweeting and snarking. Of course these are the bossmen who continue to prolong the career of Gary Mediocre Joker so what kind of decisions do we expect? What frightens me is the reports I saw that they "talked baseball." What does Jeffy Jr. know about that? If that's the case, wouldn't it have made more sense to call a meeting with Vin Scully or Terry Cashman?

Fanboys will be excited to hear that the team is going to send Jjennryy Meija to the minors to train to be a starter, but perhaps less excited when the poor young thing is recalled in a month with the Mets still in last place and running a knuckle-baller, a juggler and a pitching mime out on the mound after Johan and Tongue. Yes, there are such things as pitching mimes. Fanboys can't decide whether managers/lineup orders don't matter at all, or whether they are the single most important thing, but they do know that the media is useless and RBIs and wins should not even be recorded because they are so stupid. And they do know they hate Jerry as much as they loved Fire Joe Morgan. Unfortunately Jerry's departure isn't going to make Carlos Beltran's knees walk through that door, nor will it hire on a few additional top drawer starters for the summer, wriggle out of those contracts with Oliver Perez and Francisco Rodriguez, or lift the general malaise hanging over this cursed club since Endy Chavez leaped over that wall.

If you think about it from the Wontpon's perspective, what's the use in firing Jerry? So they can continue to pay several managers to have this team consistently under-perform its supposed talent level/wither like fragile flowers/struggle against its GM's incompetence? The Wilpons probably realize 2010 is a washout and are scheming to put some fannies in those empty empty Citi seats, maybe with a big splash. Let's face it, it is unlikely the Mets will get out of the NL East basement (since every other team is better than them) much less catch the Phillies or qualify for wildcardness. Maybe they'll swing a trade for the mad jogger of Florida, who'd fit right in with this sad sack franchise.

**
Better ideas than signing Oliver Perez for 3/$36 million.
An On-going Photo Essay
idea #2

Top 10 Things Jeff Francoeur Spent his Off-Day Thinking About

2010-05-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

NY Mets starting rightfielder Jeff Francoeur took a mental health day on Sunday. Here's what was going through his mind as he cleared it:

10. "if flossing after meals is so important, then why don't they show it on the scoreboard?"
9. the many entertainment options one can enjoy during Delta Airlines flights
8. hacking away: a good approach to at-bats, or the best approach?
7. that confusing night alone with Chipper Jones and that bottle of Wild Turkey
6. "what does Kevin Burkhart look like without any...wait...what's that? Jerry wants me to bring my 0 fer 20 streak into the game to pinch hit at a pivotal moment? That just doesn't make any sense at all...oh well..."

Mainely Terrible: The Mets are Fish Food

2010-05-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Metropolitans franchise chugs along the road to oblivion.

Is there a lower point than rock bottom?

Not content with being Major League baseball's running punchline, the MinayaMets add new chapters to their legacy every week. This is a team built to shower their fans with indignity after indignity. Lately, every night it's something new and, if you're lucky, you might see two new things. John Maine started the game by throwing something like 50 pitches in the first inning, 48 of them balls. I don't remember seeing that. And Rod Barajas decided to go for second base, down 3 in the 9th with no outs. Either he is overestimating the impact of his spinning class, or Rod is just trying to show that he can play the goat too. I do remember things like that happening, and I call them Mets baseball.

There is so much badness, it feels like we need to take stock a couple months into the season, if only for psychological reasons. I trace the current phase of Metastrophe back to Minaya's failure to bolster a rotation featuring 2 guys coming off of surgery, and Oliver Perez. There are villagers deep in the Chinese countryside that could tell you Perez is hopeless. And why Beltran didn't have the surgery earlier I still am not sure. Now the club's franchise player, whose hit to the noggin last season may have knocked the MVP out of him, well, many times he seems to have forgotten how to make contact with the baseball (though last night's 2 for 3 with HR is a hopeful sign).

This guy threw out the first pitch last night; the Mets should have auditioned him.

More changes will be afoot since this team can't possibly think it can tread water until the return of Beltran magically makes them into contenders. That this year's club is worse than the sum of their parts somehow feels like progress. And while Jerry might not want to answer the phone after midnight, I fear that fans calling for his head will only be temporarily satisfied; the firing of Manuel will only be a band aid on a wound gushing blood. It may save a few pitcher's careers, yes but, well, the club still sucks.

Oliver Perez Sparkles: Lefty Has Another Fine Outing, Finally Reaching Potential

2010-05-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

Oliver Perez Must be Designated for ~~Greatness~~ Assignment

I am sick of writing or thinking about Oliver Perez, who after giving up like 50 homeruns and single (left) handedly losing last night's game against the hated Florida Marlins, it seems, finally blew so many starts out his ass that even the Mets' brass has to take notice. So let's take the time instead, to send out a little !@#?&* You to his agent Scott Bora$, who, in winter 2008 in an effort to trick Omar Minaya into another idiotic move, once penned a book in which he compared Perez to Randy Johnson, Sandy Koufax, C.C. Sabathia, Cole Hamels, Ted Lilly and Johan Santana. This book was

divided into eight chapters that include[d] such headings as: “Perez Turns Corner in 2006,” “Perez Is One of Baseball’s Top 5 Left-Handed Starting Pitchers,” “A Rare Young Left-Handed Starting Pitcher Available on the Free-Agent Market,” “Big-Game Ollie,” and “Durable Ollie”...“Perez Eats Innings,” “Dominates on the Biggest Stage,” and “Perez Beats Up on Mets’ Rivals in 2007-2008.”

Remember this? As Morris Day would say, "don't it make you mad?" At the time of the resigning, I ridiculed the book and the idea that resigning this jackass would lead to anything other than doom, but like anyone, I continue to cope with Omar's deal with humor, bitterness, then rage and occasional blackouts.

***
In the old news department, Lenny Dykstra just zoomed by Operation Shutdown and Moo "Foxy Lady" Vaughn as the most pathetic ex-Met of the last 30 years. Being a loser is an art form for Lenny, but then again, he was a Phillie. Based in "West Los Ageles," Dykstra is still trying to cheat innocents out of money, but he is reduced to selling his own "Basaeball History" memorabilia. So if you're interested in being snookered and possibly raped in a sad, sour smelling LA apartment complex with an eviction notice stapled to its front door, by all means respond to Lenny's Craigslist ad.

***
Jeff the French finally found someone he could give hitting pointers too, apparent Mets fan and latest Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.

"First of all," he continued, "I'll say that she's choked way too far up on the bat. It looks like the lower hand's kind of too much over, knuckles need alignment. You can tell she's gripping the bat way too hard. She's not going to be able to get it there.
"The stance is not very good. Her feet are kind of open here. That's not going to make for a real good, powerful stance. Smiling at the pitcher is probably not a great idea.
"I do like how the head is turned. Her shoulders are nice. She's balanced. But it's not a very strong stance and you can't smile at the pitcher or you're gonna get hit. You're gonna get hit."
When told that she is a Mets fan, Francoeur shifted his position. "Is she?" he asked. "Well, tell her I like her then. Tell her she's got a good stance."

When informed of Frenchy's critique, Kagan reportedly wondered who the hell Frenchy was to criticize either her approach to hitting or smiling.

***

Better ideas than signing Oliver Perez for 3/$36 million.
An On-Going Photo Essay
idea #1

Top 10 Reasons Fred Wilpon Wants to Buy the Islanders

2010-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

ITEM: Jeff Wilpon has been caught playing with his (friend Charles) Wang. And reports say the Mets have an interest in installing the ice hockey concern from Long Island in a new arena/"sports entertainment complex" next to Citi Field, and possibly buying the team.

10. Jeffy always loved fish-sticks
9. Tragic misunderstanding of how TARP funds can be used (already in negotiations to secure Goldman Sachs arena naming rights)
8. Dave Howard's master stroke for dealing with the Citi Field garbage problem: ICE GIRLS!
7. Dunderheaded management is a growth industry and the Mets feel well positioned for the future
6. Mistook them for the Los Angeles Dodgers
5. Can't miss the opportunity to transfer Citi's unused seats to a new venue
4. Gotham Girls roller derby turned the Wilpons down already--Girls are looking for a more reputable partner
3. Chance to extend Rick DiPietro's contract
2. Zamboni more fun to watch than Mets starting pitching rotation
1. Fred looking forward to outfitting new arena in Rangers colors, and finally building the Mark Messier Rotunda

ice girls!

I'm Nat Impressed with the Mets

2010-05-11T01:03:00.000-07:00

"Don't ask me why your team is so bad, I've got problems of my own!"

The Mets got what they wanted from John Maine: adequacy. After the Mets loaded the bases in the first inning, Jose Reyes, David Wright and Ike Davis all struck out. That was probably the turning point for the Mets chances of winning right there. So let it not be said that Mets 4-6 hitters only fail in late inning, clutch situations. It's a regular ~~murderer's row~~ ~~jaywalker's row~~ let-their-parking-meters-lapse row that Omar has assembled.

It seems that the Mets ice cold stars are more interested in scoring points with the umpires than staying in the ballgames to help their team. Reyes, never celebrated for his maturity, delivered a pointless hissy fit over an obvious strike and got tossed tonight by Laz(y) Diaz, an ump who I have to say, has the laziest tossing motion I've seen (word play!)! This was a night after Reyes' pal "Swingsy" Wright cursed his way out of the park. Wright has a bad influence on Jose, who wudda thunk it?

Recalling Chris Carter from the minors probably won't help much.

***

Why is David Wright suddenly a K machine? According to MLB, "Wright fanned a career-high 140 times in 144 games last season and is on pace to strike out 190 times in the same number of games this season." He's also on a pace to walk 125 times when his previous high was 94 freebies. Was it that the beaning knocked something loose in his head? Could it be that he is now too buff to swing the bat? If this keeps up, we may come to discover there is something troubling about the abrupt changes in Wright's game over the past season and the beginning of this season.

**
The Mets "braintrust" will "reflect" upon Oliver Perez's status with the club. I guess that's good news.

**
Wake up, there's a lady in the booth, Keith!!

Blowin' in the Wind--Oliver Perez Defiles Yet Another Major Holiday

2010-05-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

Oliver Perez: A pitcher only a mother could love

From walk off to walking the ball park... we knew it was coming and Oliver Perez delivered his normal flummoxing performance--walking everyone he couldn't hit with pitches. He walked the pitchers, the lead off batters, the bat boys and a few of the cotton candy salesmen in the stands. The Mets don't play on Christmas or Thanksgiving, but we can be sure that Perez could sour our enjoyment of those holidays too. Fair warning: Easter, Fourth of July are fair game.

The Mets never for a minute deserved to win this game.

The Mets had a chance to score in the first, but strikeout twins Jason Kay and David "Swingsy" Wright flailed and failed against Tim Lincecom. Davey Boy added to the boneheadery in the 9th arguing yet another strikeout and getting his dumbass tossed from the game. Had the Mets managed anything off of Brian Wilson and tied it up, they would have had to stick a pitcher in the field. But the wind can't help ya if you can't put the bat on the ball.

Brian Wilson mocked the Mets in the 8th and 9th.

Somehow Perez stayed in the game until the 4th inning, though he tried to give up a grand slam and tried to throw the ball into centerfield. At this point, Oliver calling himself a major league pitcher is as ballsy and obnoxious as fantasizing you're married to David Lee Roth, then suing him for divorce!! Other happenings of note: Jerry remembered the Mets are paying Raul Valdes so we got to enjoy the fine stylings of the Mexican League Marauder/ the Tabasco Tosser. "Nightly" Nieve showed Jerry that he has to be brought into Monday's game no matter what. Meijia did the lead blowing honors.

**Old News Department
The Atlanta manager who, in my less responsible years, I called Bobby "Sucks" Cox really takes the cake. It seems old balls and strikes whining, wife-beating Bobby was being honored by some Senator or another (doubtless the same ones who still support segregation and intra-family matrimony) and well, the official Senate bakery fucked up badly. The picture below tells most of the story, and the story and link was lifted without apology from our friends at Can't Stop the Bleeding:

But allow me to observe that, according to the second rate TV station website of Channel 2 Action News, when a reporter named Scott MacFarlane was asked what happened

MacFarlane said there was open speculation that a Braves-hating baker was responsible. Quite a few Nationals and Phillies fans work there.

My how far the Metropolitans have fallen...even the hicks have forgotten us. They are naming their little hillbilly sons and daughters/wives "Citizen's Bank," I guess.

***

Don't look now, but Milledge just pulled a Timo. Poor kid just can't catch a break. For some reason, the PNC Park fireworks operator was quick on the draw and confused the Mets ex-savior/villain/trade bait, who heard music and saw fireworks, thought he just jacked a 3 run bomb, but was tagged out lamely between 2nd and 3rd. It was a sign of maturity that Lastings didn't slap fans hands on his way back to the dugout.

**
Running of the Beltrans?

Saturday marked the 100th game in the past two seasons that Carlos Beltran has missed. Rumor has it that he'll try and run on Monday, so brace yourselves for some possibly bad news.

Where in the World is Ollie? A Tribute to the Mets Albatros Headcase Pitcher

2010-05-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

...ollie-ollie-

Is that him?

is he taking a rest?

is he hanging out with the wrong crowd?

is he pondering some sage words?

The verdict is in. Oliver Perez never learned the meringue. If only this exchange from the SNY telecast of the Mets-Giants game (as Oliver Perez finished his 3.1 innings and 7 walk performance) was the final word on Perez's Met career.

Gary: "97 pitches with one out in the fourth. You know how hard that is to do?"
Keith: "You know how hard that is to watch?

Perez is so baffling, the mystical mumblings of ex-Met pitching guru Rick Peterson almost make sense:

“When you look at what his plan was, there was no plan," …"There was no recipe. There was no map. The first question is, 'Where do you want to go? And where did you come from?' Then you lay out a plan and help them understand that. Not only was [Perez] lost, but he was driving in the wrong lane. He thought he was in England. We're driving in the right lane. "It became a simple thing because he got it very quickly. Just like if you're lost and someone gives you directions, all of the sudden you go down a quarter of a mile, make a right and go, 'Jeez, I know exactly where I am.' [Rick Peterson on Oliver Perez’s struggles as a Pirate]

"Do you like to dance?"…"Yes," Perez answered. "Well, right now you are doing the waltz, you need to be doing the meringue," Peterson explained. [Peterson explaining the secret of success to Oliver Perez]

CONTRACT INFO:
2/2/09: Signed 3 year, $36M contract

2009: $12M

2010: $12M

2011: $12M

Today's game has been a cruel reminder that, although the emergence of enjoyable young players like Ike Davis and Jonathan Niese go a long way towards making this club watchable again, Mets baseball won't fully recover until Perez is exorcised from this club's roster.

Mets Backstops Mota-vated to Walk Off Again

2010-05-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your baseball commissioner.

I would have loved to see this game, if only to check on Johan Santana's health with my own two eyes. But here in California, I was again blacked out thanks to the criminal stylings of the MLB, which sold me the games after they sold Faux network the games. Sounds kind of illegal right? Like if you bought a car only to find that some other guy gets to drive it on the weekends. Faux has secured the "rights" to all baseball before 7pm on Saturdays, for who knows how long. As we have discussed here many times, no Saturday baseball for many of the MLB's most rabid fans--those who buy the "Extra" Innings cable package--is apparently part of MLB's business plan; while we mortals have a hard time seeing how denying fans the ability to see games that Faux is not even televising in their regions is good for baseball, the geniuses at MLB know better that we do. Why would fans want to see MLB's product on a Saturday, a day when many of us don't have to work? So, once again, a hearty round of fuck you's to Bud Selig for continuing to sell me a package of games under false pretenses, and Faux for ~~Joe Buck and~~ generally degrading the sport I love. This is one of the many (non-Met related) reasons I do not purchase tickets to your corporation's games anymore, Bud. Enjoy the view of all those overpriced, empty seats behind home plates all over the league. May you lose a lot of money and die broke and unhappy in Milwaukee.

A couple of the many Mets Mota moments

On to the game. Our old friend, the perpetually juiced Guillermo Mota, has finally done right by his former club. Fernando Nieve and Pedro Feliciano took over the lead blowing duties of Blow Rod for a game. Luckily their battery mates have been picking up the slack lately, and Henry Blanco was able to get a hold of one of Mota's juiceballs in the 11th inning and deliver the W. So, no thanks to Jerry Manuel's Jerrible pitching changes or to the hitters 3-7 in the Mets order (one! hit), the replaceMets were able to steal another game from their series with the Giants. While anything's possible, Sunday's Ollie vs. Lincecom matchup does not promise a slam dunk series sweep for the Mets; more likely, the Mets will Lincecom to a Sunday afternoon pounding.

A Tale of Two at Citi: It was the Worst of Rods, it was the Best of Rods!!

2010-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

One these guys makes too little money.

By the heavens, Blow Rod is an unimpressive closer. Omar Minaya made a major blunder signing Frankie Rodriguez to that money and those years. That seems to be the message sent from above and reinforced with his every appearance, with every violent delivery, every lead he endangers, with every free pass he issues. To be more positive, there were lots of heroes in this game: Luis Castillo ranged into left field to stop the Giants from going ahead. Ike put on a clinic at the plate, in the yard, and over the dugout railing. And it was nice to see Pelf help himself to a rebound outing. But, as Fat Benjie watched from the opposing dugout, hero-number-one Good Rod Barajas came through to clean up his battery mate, Bad Rod's mess. It was nice to see the Mets walk off instead of get walked over for once.

Stick to your Guns Mets fans

Yikes!

The Wall Street Journal , for reasons hard to fathom, has spent some money in an effort to differentiate NY area Yankees and Mets fans. The easy reaction is, since there is no metric for front-running douche-bags, the WSJ fails to capture this dynamic in a meaningful way. According to the survey, we pay more attention to the Mets than our fair weather brethren. And, male Mets fans (supposedly we'll hear more about female Mets fans in a subsequent installment) drink more and are more heavily armed than Yankers fans. The survey and commentary was a little unfair. So people on the terrorist watch list can buy guns but fans on perpetual suicide watch can't own them? Also, just how are we supposed to defend ourselves from Yankees fans? The survey needs to broaden its scope, since the Mets are quickly becoming America's team.

Meanwhile, the third rail of Mets fandom, the contributions of Carlos Beltran, is used as the centerpiece of Scott Forman's latest attempt in the New York Times to mainstream "advanced" baseball metrics. Fans underwhelmed by long-injured Beltran who once hit like 8 homers in the playoffs for the Astros vs. internet WAR-riors, communities devoted to the wonder of Beltran and dedicated to dismissing the unwashed masses' complaints as overreactions to a few high profile failures (swing, Carlos, swing, slide, Carlos, slide!). One wonders if this debate may be moot soon, since Beltran realistically may never take the field again in blue and orange. It doesn't really sound like he'd be a shadow of his former self in the outfield with his knees. Depending who you believe, Beltran is headed for micro-fracture surgery or a heroic return to lead the team to wild card glory while more importantly banishing Gary "Dishonorable Discharge" Matthews Jr. to DFA land. It's cold comfort, but as Forman concludes,

even if Beltran never sees the field again, he still would have been paid $4.5 million for each win, which is not a bargain, but also not a gross overpay.

Mets Nixed: Let the 2010 MRIs begin!!

2010-05-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Reds didn't need guys like this to dispose of the Mets in extras.

There is always something pathetic about losing to the Reds. Then again, Reds fans probably say the same thing about the Mets. New fan fave Manny Acosta (aka Acosta "da ball game") gave up a pinch-hit, walk-off homer to Laynce Nix in the bottom of the 11th, but that's not important. Oliver Perez kept himself in the game somehow. Ike played the supporting goat with key failures late in the game. I'm not even sure Jason Bay played, though his name is in the box score. Maybe it was a Canadian holiday. But who cares, you know?

***
Big Pelf looks headed for the shelf. He says it's no big deal, but we know better. The Mets sent him back to NY for "precautionary MRI" on his tight right shoulder to be followed by, if the pattern holds, precautionary assignment to the DL, announcement of Pelfrey status being downgraded to done for the year, the amputation of his arm, and the long road to learning to pitch with his left arm and tie his shoes with his tongue. The coming tragedy can be expressed thus:

...before giving up six runs in four innings to the Phillies on Saturday and snapping a 27-inning scoreless streak, Pelfrey was leading the Majors with a 0.69 ERA through four starts and one relief appearance. Counting his last start, he is 4-1 with a 2.40 ERA.

I believe the Pelfrey announcement has been made so we can brace ourselves for the coming Johan Santana announcement. Oh well, Jonathan Niese's hamstrings are still connected.

Metastrophe! Everyone Messes with the Johan

2010-05-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Philmes knock the Mets out again. Unfortunately no one called it off after the 4th.

Seasoned Metz fans had to feel this one coming...

Mets in first place, fans feeling good about themselves for once. Check.
Hated division rival. Check
Supposedly lopsided pitching match-up in Metz favor. Check.
Nationally televised game. Check
Chucklehead announcers. Check.

So, although it hurt like the bejesus, we can't say we didn't see this Metz style massacre coming. Mets fans were getting too hopeful, too happy. Even watching Mike "Bats in my" Pelfrey run into some bad luck in the game previous didn't really dampen our enthusiasm--hell, we could take a series and remain in first place just a bit longer if we won this game. And that's when the Mets like to stick it to us. Spotted three runs from the Jamie Moyer batting practice in the top of the first, staff ace Johan Santana started giving up the long ball and didn't stop bumbling his way through the game until he had walked a run in, unable to face down a pitcher who is literally as old as the Mets franchise. Then came the grand slamming. Amidst the Victorino sponsored devastation, it is cold comfort that Jamie Moyer still hasn't taken Mets pitching yard (whaddabum), though he did add a rbi and a basehit to his ancient resume. If you asked me who I'd rather send to the plate in a pinch, Jamie Moyer or Gary "Dishonorable Discharge" Matthews Jr., I would astound you with the speed of my reply.

I haven't read the job description in a while, but a team's ace "stopper" is supposed to come in and keep the team in first, boost their morale, and ease their minds. That is not what Santana did last night. Johan is hurt. Johan is still recovering. Johan is in sharp decline. I dunno what the truth is, but after this performance all of those hypotheses could be examined. What I do know is that if we haven't already, we've now certainly seen the first major disaster of the 2010 season. Despite the recent success, this Mets team is still not a very good one, and they are in the Philme's league only in name.

ReplaceMets Sweep Fred Wilpon's Favorite Team

2010-04-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Next up: the class of the NL East

The Manny-less Dodgers went easily this week and Fred Wilpon probably lost a lot of money, both from bets that failed to pan out and from the now customary customer-less seats behind Citi's home plate. Aided by some un-LA like weather patterns and the insertion of Ike Davis to shore up the lineup, the Mets made short work of the currently hapless Dodgies and now somehow sit atop the NL East. Even junkballer John Maine wasn't completely horrible today. Of course, the Mets still have Angel (Pagans) in the outfield and Ollies toeing rubbers, so enjoy this early success while you can, as we can expect our boys to be deposited back into 2nd or 3rd place by Sunday. As is expected, Jerry Manuel leads the way in wishful thinking and foolhardiness, being quoted after Perez's latest shitty shenanigans (getting the hook in the 4th after a four-pitch walk to opposing pitcher Charlie Haeger):

"I'm going to stay with Ollie. I thought the night was a difficult night. It was very cold, windy. I think we need Ollie to get it right. We need Ollie to figure it out."

Sure the Mets have won a few games in a row, but if they want to win me over they'll send Perez packing before he can start giving up the gopherballs. He has no role in a major league rotation. He is not going to figure it out.

***
Here come the Phil-mes! Hopefully this weekend, the ReplaceMets hurlers can chuck some great pitches up, project some timely hits, and ultimately throw up some W's on the board.

***
Tony B has inadvertently offered up the Mets slogan for 2011 when he complained to Faux that

"I was punished for trying to be great."

The New York Mets: Come Watch Greatness Get Punished. Seems to capture both the car crash curiosity a fan would need these days to buy a ticket to Shitifield, and the appalling squandering (squanderation?) of money and of the careers of the few core players the Mets have signed and developed over these past 10 years.

Let's go Mets!

Break Up the Mets! Break Out the Brooms! Even Mother Nature Jumps on the Bandwagon

2010-04-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

The Tongue is in the house.

Of all Omar Minaya's maligned offseason accomplishments, the one perhaps most criticized--the brilliant "and pray for rain" part of the Mets rotation-- is working just fine so far. Last night, Mother Nature delivered the Mets and Big Pelf a victory on a platter over the once-and-future hated Br*ves. One rain shortened game out of 20 ain't bad. Of course, it remains to be seen whether the Mets can sweep a team without Chipper playing third and running interference. This series, Larry Jones seemed focused on hammerhanding back all the glory he achieved on the Mets' watch while they were playing at Shea.

Pelf wasn't exactly masterful, giving up five hits, walking five Atlanta batters, and tossing a Maine-like 106 pitches to get through five innings. But he did manage to remain unscored upon this season. People will probably credit the split-finger fastball for Mike "Bats in my" Pelfrey's resurgence, but I swear it's all about the mouthguard. I mean, look at the waging going on in the picture above.

Rain was perhaps the only thing that could keep Jerry from continuing his quest to help Fernando Nieve qualify for his second career Tommy John surgery. After the game, and apparently not in response to a question about Ron Washington, Jerry had this to say:

"I've always been more comfortable with speed," Mr. Manuel said last week. "I like speed."

He was talking about the Pagan, Luis, Reyes batting order, I guess. Which makes me wonder how long Reyes will stay in the three hole. Castillo seems to be doing fine. And Pagan is Pagan. The Mets are over .500 somehow, and they are 10-9. Can Pelf keep this up? Could Ike Davis be the magic? Will Reyes regain his old dancing steps? Has Frenchy turned the corner? Is Davey Boy going to return to form? Winning helps make us care.

Ike, you've gone and made me care again.

***
Now, like all right-thinking people, I hate the Br*ves, even though the Mets-Atlanta rivalry is all but irrelevant these days thanks to Omar Minaya. But I have to admit, this is a hilarious prank on Nate McLouth from a few weeks ago.

***
What's that smell? It's the stench of the corpse of Joe Torre, of course. On to play the Dodgies next, a team that has brutalized us seemingly since the Mets wiped them out of the playoffs a few years back. Bad things happen to the Mets when the Dodgers are around. In the past few seasons, Pagan and Reyes have suffered lasting injuries while playing LA, and you should see my pride, since I have seen many of these games in person. Maybe this year will be different. But with Ollie and Maine pitching for the Mets the next two games, it will probably get ugly.

Ike Rides a Bike, Puts his Finger in the Dike, and Steps up to the Mike!

2010-04-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of the rest of Ike Davis' career. I have to be careful here, since I once fell deeply in love with another 1st base prospect, back in 2005. But along with every one else, I enjoyed his first appearance, from the way he has a knack for timely singles, to the way ducks out of the way at each curve ball--isn't it cute? My main challenge was not to use the word "like" in the headline to this post--a quick late night perusal of sportsspyder indicates that the tabloid beat writers are still working on their rhyming Ike headlines as I write this. Well, top this you crusty bastards!!

In his own indomitable style, Jerry himself expressed the fact he was impressed with Ike's deep drive to right in the 6th. Ike's flyout in other words.

"It was a young man thinking the game was on the line, 'Let me see if I could do some damage here,' and he took a shot," Manuel said. "I thought that was impressive."

I dunno about that, Jerry. In fact, I dunno about you, Jerry.

But, hey the Mets won last night, and we didn't even have to watch Angel Pagan run the bases much--he just trotted. Which reminds me that the 20 inning Cards game was so bearable because we didn't have to watch Oliver Perez.

***
Today's Good Guy Opponent award goes to the Cubs' Marlon Byrd, who took a wayward Jenrry Meija changeup to the coconut in the 9th, then enthusiastically picked up his helmet and ran to first. No macho bullshit for Marlon. Alright, I never gave this award out before, but there you are.

"He tried to throw a changeup," Byrd said. "If it was a fastball, I wouldn't have gotten up."

***
Our stars have seen better days. Jose Reyes is exhausted and begging for a vacation. Carlos Beltran is having his knee (routinely) checked out, we are told. And now, since David Wright has forgotten how to hit, perhaps its time we play up some of the other aspects of his game. He's real polite, for instance. And the ladies love him. You know, it's worth remembering that David Wright loves him some scrappy.

I've always been a huge fan of high-character players, not only players that [have talent]," Wright said. "I love a player that puts winning before everything else. I take a guy that maybe has a little bit less talent but a guy that has a desire to win over maybe a guy that's a little more top-notch but doesn't.

Get Excited About a Met: Mets Scout Beirut Teams for Possible Midseason Trade Partner

2010-04-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

A couple more weeks of futility, and Mets fans are going to toss Bay overboard without the floaty thing.

The Mets sole move this winter was to throw mondo Wilpon dollars at RBI man Jason "Kay." That's his nickname so far. It's better than Jason "Flush Your Toilets into the" Bay. He hasn't done anything particularly boneheaded yet, but he hasn't hit much of anything. He is a serious flailer. His O fer 7 with 4 Ks and 5 LOB during the 20 inning St. Louis game has punctuated Bay's early season futility.

He is also, they say, notoriously streaky. And on a team this shitty, I can wait for him to come around. It really doesn't matter. But credible or not, Peter Gammons' story about Beirut has managed to stain Bay's entry into imagination of the major leagues' most frenzied and disrespected fanbase: it isn't hard to believe that Bay is in it for the money, as they all are. So even knowing the story was probably bs, it's hard to get too enthused about him; the Red Sox kinda wanted him back, and they're pretty good, I suppose.

"I pledge allegiance, eh, to whichever team deposits the most loonies in my bank account."

Bay does seem like a swell guy, and fits right in with Francoeur's ReplaceMets. All of whom we can expect to get regularly dominated by a wide range of pitchers such as Adam Wainwright or Felipe Lopez.

They say Eskimos have many words for snow. By mid-season, Mets fans will have just as many words for suck. This team blows.

**
By the way, just a programming note: Blogger software, of which I seem to be using the latest version, really still sucks. Somehow the software is still balky and inscrutable, and mysteriously formats pictures in the shittiest way possible. You can no longer resize photos to your own specifications. Hard to believe that they can't get this right. In other words, it's not all my fault.