Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Public Service Announcement Regarding John Smoltz (Spoiler: He Eats Babies and Hates Freedom)
Don't sign the Turner-ator!
This team is trying to drive its few remaining fans away, if they're seriously considering signing John Smoltz. It's just a tasteless end to a pathetic winter.
I could stop with the above picture. Or I could make a rational argument.
But I shall do neither. See, I hate John Smoltz. I tried to google some images with "Smoltz and Satan," but all I could find was my own posts of yore. This season is likely lost, and it will take a hailstorm of healthy and perhaps a last minute tornado of signings for this team to yank itself out of its tailspin. Even if that happens, the management will find a way to fuck it up. So even though some reasonable fellows might applaud if Smoltz doesn't spurn Omar like the rest and signs some kind of incentive laden contract with the Mets, I hate Smoltz and don't think we should have to suffer this desecration just for the small chance that he'd make a contribution. He's 42 yrs old and most likely washed up. Is he really going to make this team marginally better, and at what karmic cost? Do the Mets really need to give him one last laugh at their expense?
Admittedly there's not much of this organization left to defile, but give us a break.
I don't even want him soaking his probably soon to be injured body in the hot tub with the other Mets.
Other than fucking the Mets up real good for years on the field, Smoltz is known for his religious fanaticism. He apparently doesn't believe that marriage is worth sacrificing for, but he feels comfortable saying things about gay marriage like: "What's next? Marrying an animal?" He's a hate-fuck. And I hate him.
I hate that he never got caught with steroids.
I hate that he has been photographed with Jeff Foxworthy.
I (now) hate the accordion.
Do you need some reasons to hate him?
Love the environment? Smoltz hates the environment. Why else would he pitch Scott's Lawn care products, which are so un-green they kill bunnies and will eventually drown your grand kids.
Love having religion forced into your sports? Are you ready for Faith Days at Citi? Isn't Dave Matthews bad enough?
Why do you hate John Smoltz?
Monday, January 25, 2010
IMFM Exclusive: Mets GM Admits to Lighting in Bottle Drinking Problem
Forced to account for his baffling acquisition of Gary "Dishonorable Discharge" Matthews Jr. last week, Mets GM Omar Minaya broke down today and admitted he is being treated for substance abuse, namely, the high that catching "lightning in a bottle" can bring. After a few minutes trying to convince reporters that Matthews had "some good years" and "some drop-offs" and is a "change of scenery guy" and "had 50 RBIs last year," Minaya dropped the charade and admitted the truth that insiders have known for years.
Minaya recounted the story of how he came to suffer from lightning in a bottle addiction shortly after taking over the Mets in 2004. "I just tried a sip of Jose Valentin, the 2006 vintage, then it was on to Tatis '08 (a very good year) and I was hooked. I had also started to mess around with Chad Bradford, Endy Chavez...I thought I could turn cheap players into baseball gold. When I re-upped Marlon Anderson, my doctors said that's when they knew I had a problem." Minaya hid the doctors' diagnosis from Mets ownership by telling head trainer Ray Ramirez directly and unequivocally that he had a problem, sending a singing bear candy-gram to Jeff Wilpon, and then taking out a full page banner advertisement on Mets.com.
In the end, Minaya's addiction eclipsed any faculty he may have once had for major league talent evaluation. Ironically, it is Minaya who just needs of a "change of scenery," which he plans to get at an unnamed upstate rehabilitation clinic. Reached for comment, former Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "when he gets out [of rehab], the champagne will taste that much sweeter." For his part, sometime Mets pitcher Oliver Perez was thought to welcome the addition of a player of Matthews' contract size, and the pressure it would take of off Perez and Mets second baseman Luis Castillo, but he could not be reached for comment or found in general.
Asked by the media why he chose to come clean about his problem at this time, Minaya then read from a prepared statement, which is the only way he can get through a public speaking appearance these days. "I just got sick of recycling old spare parts and bad ideas and wondering why I get the same disastrous results every year," Minaya said through tears, "and I want to announce that John Ricco will take over whatever management responsibilities I still had left while I lobby for treatment for this addiction."
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Mets Should Make Sheets Happen, Give Wang Some Play
I'm a novelty blogger. It helps me do my job if my team, the NY Metropolitans can, in any way, said to be entertaining. The past few years have not been entertainment so much as they have been vessels of incompetence flying through a shit-storm of injury and excuse. Even the dumbest among us Metsfans now know that there is no plan, in the front office or elsewhere, that guides this organizations' actions. So that is why, on the eve of giving up on the 2010 season (yes, it's that bad), I present you with my last minute, We're !%*&? DOoMed Off-Season Plan: sign two injured pitchers with extremely pun-able last names.
Where are we now, and how have we come to this point? Arguably, the best decision the Mets have made so far this winter was made by Bengie Molina, whose delicate sensibilities were offended by the lack of additional years in the Mets' contract proposal. (Also, though not as widely reported, the Mets refused to design a feeding bib into their home jerseys.) Thanks to Molina, the Mets now have some extra cash. Plus, they have waited out the starting pitching market brilliantly so that there are few choices remaining to add to their dogshit rotation. In other words, Omar Minaya has kicked and kicked and kicked the tires, and then had the tires run over his feet as the car peels out of there to any team not located in Flushing. Now we fans and bloggers need something to do while we wait for Jason Bay's first MRI of the season. Here's my two-step plan, better late than never.
Dear Mr. Minaya,
Please do this stuff I am talking about below, ya know?
王建民 once showed serious talent, and he doesn't mind humiliation and probably already has real estate in New York city, thus meeting all major criteria for being a Met.
The case for Chien-Ming Wang. His agent Alan (Fiddling while Juan Gonzalez Burns) Nero says Wang "has worked very, very hard and is in the best shape of his life." Good enough for me. Plus, if Wang was able to recover and make it back to the Mets roster, this move would energize two pivotal fan constituencies: the Taiwanese (numbering at 22,920, 946) and Mets novelty bloggers (about, uh, 1 or 2). You're telling me the Wilpons aren't going to be looking for any fans they can get in a month or two?
The Mets brass will be happy to know that Sheets, shown here doing his best K-Rod moves to show up the opposition, is open to playing in meaningless international tournaments that jeopardize the success of the professional team to which he is contractually obligated.
The case for Ben Sheets. Intrigue. Is this guy's arm going to fall off? I have to know. The Mets need to sign him and find out, because, as you can see from this quote, he knows what matters:
I believe I can pitch the way I used to," Sheets told ESPN.com last week. "Hey, Chris Carpenter came back and was dominant. As long as I believe I can do it, that's all that matters. Watch, I'll show 'em.
Mr. Omar, we Mets novelty bloggers need this one. Thanks to your chronic mismanagement and propensity to make constant verbal blunders, we haven't had to work very hard to come up with "funny" criticisms, and as a result, have become fat and complacent (whoa, don't try to sign us, Omar, it's just an expression). As the larger Mets blogs have come to increasingly take themselves oh so seriously, often while becoming increasingly bitter towards the media (where bloggers get most of their content by the way) savvy enough to extract payment for their services, the blogosphere needs the healthy balancing that minor, nearly unnoticed novelty sports blogs bring in both modesty and irresponsibility. Adding these two players/surnames would go a long way towards helping this lonely electronic diarist achieve precisely this balance. Otherwise, I will have to spend most of the spring rehashing Molina quotes ("A lot of teams were not, like, into me."...bwahahahahahahahahaha!).
Friday, January 15, 2010
Top 10 Things Jerry Manuel is Trying to Figure Out with His Pen and Pad
Not, unfortunately, Manuel cleaning out his desk
Item: Jerry Manuel's comments on the Carlos Beltran situation: "I'm sitting down with a pen and pad trying to figure some things out."
10. How many Delta frequent flier miles would qualify him for discount on October 2010 vacation package
9. Just how zany Oliver Perez is
8. List of the League Championship Series leaders in on-base percentage and other statistical numbers
7. Air speed velocity of an unladen swallow
6. Jeff Wilpon's Facebook password...hahahahahahhahahahahaha!
5. Appropriate length of his inevitable contract extension
4. Inventive new ways to utilize Casey Fossum's talents
3. Just why fertile ground has fertilizer which is a good thing
2. Ground speed velocity of a fat, past-prime free agent catcher
1. How many statistical people he'd have to get together, to put so many stats on paper, to get into the playoffs