It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me at:itsmetsforme@gmail.com or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Shawn Green Boldly Claims the Mantle of Aaron Heilman

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/images/beards_19.jpg
After participating in the spirit building hair-related Met team gesture of 2009, David Wright-of-the-future goes out on the town to celebrate the Mets getting to .500

When one says that something "sucks," there is a connotation that goes beyond the flat truth claim that something or someone is inferior or not very good at what they do. Allow me to demonstrate with an example: Shawn Green sucks. When I say this, what I mean goes beyond saying that the hapless Green is untalented at baseball. What I am gesturing at is the transcendent, sometimes unbelievable failures he now delivers on a regular basis. He has gone beyond just another shitty performer to being a symbol. Another way to put it is this: when Green reports for duty as a relief pitcher, you can be certain that you are about to make a memory.

The St. Louis Cardinals left Flushing with the same parting gift they always get from the unoriginal Mets franchise: a gimme win. Just like 2006. Just like always.

There will be no rest for this Mets fan until Pujols and Molina are revealed to be performance enhancing drug users. This will happen at some point, for sure, and though it will be little comfort, know that I will be smirking when it does.

Scholars will argue this for decades, but last night's game must be added to the list of 2009 low points. Let us review the ignoble details of the latest Mets face plant.

Ace disgraced. Mets ace Johan pitches sucky more often than I had planned. He is most certainly pitching through injury; to think otherwise is to think the unthinkable.
That first step is a doosie. Castillo, the only Met who can possibly be said to be exceeding expectations, falls down the dugout steps, out indefinitely. Why are there steps in ballparks anyway? Ramps (or gently graded slopes) would seem to be a smarter idea with the fragility of ball players these days.
Superstar "Closer" is just what the Mets needed this winter. Frankie turned out to be a pointless addition. That is all.
Heilman Haunts Mets Supposed Not-Heilman Shawn Green comes into a bases loaded situation, and in lieu of a wild pitch, throws his first pitch into the batter, losing the game. To be sure, he also tosses the expected grand slam meatball to Pujols in the next at-bat. Green seems to be channeling the 2007 and 2008 bullpen. He wore out his welcome a long time ago for me, and now I'd like him gone, or where ever the Mets send the O'Days, Takahashis, etc.
Redbird rage The opponent is the hated smirking Cardinals who stole the 2006 NLCS and then dishonored the National league by their performance in the World Series. I'm not saying Pujols and Molina inject each other in the clubhouse, but I am saying that Molina is a post-op transgendered hermaphrodite.

This season is over folks, if it wasn't already. If there are parts of your eyes you still want to claw out, try clicking here. Next week, I'll start my series on fun replacement activities, hobbies, and family trips you can substitute for following the Metropolitan baseball club.

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5 Comments:

  • At 3:58 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    This season is over. This team is/has been over for two years. The question is: do the Wont'pons realize it? The mets do need a handicap access ramp to their dugout, good show by you. Castillo's ankle is probably broken in three places. Whose glove was that? I bet it was Pagan's. The guy does so many fundamental things wrong. Are you supposed to have 4 baserunning errors per week? Easy on Sean Green: he would have to go a long way to achieve Heilman status. And he would have to wear really tight, ill-fitting baseball pants as well. But he does have the potential. Two-three years of awful, omar-driven baseball? Love that optimism. We will be lucky if we are out from under in five. Hate this group and have for at least two years.

     
  • At 6:46 AM, Anonymous James K. said…

    Let's sign Awfulman.

    I agree that both Shawn and Sean Green suck. Pujols's grand slam came off quite possibly the worst 0-2 pitch in the history of the game, no hyperbole.

     
  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Jaap said…

    it's all about NOT playing for the Mets. Indicated not just by Heilman's miraculous resurgence with the Cubs but hell, even O'Day is seemingly competent with the Rangers.

    What's going to the selling point for free agents to join the Mets? Take our money and wash your career down the drain? Take our money and get the disease?

     
  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Think about this: Pelfrey, Maine, Ollie. They all have the same dysfunction. They blow up in the face of adversity. We have Johan, whose health might be questionable, and three guys with a nervous disorder (in Ollie's case--nervous stupidity). Niese may be decent. We are going nowhere next year unless someone new comes in with a brain and a plan. I see us as 4th place NEXT YEAR. (I have assigned the Washingtons to last place in perpetuity). Without the starting pitching, you go nowhere.

     
  • At 12:01 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    they need to find another top tier starter and pray that they can get #3,4,5 out of the three musketeers.
    Stupid Ollie stays physically healthy unfortunatly. Otherwise, I vote for spending Fred's cash on a #2 and 3 and the rest of the dough into the woeful awfulfense. They may have some unimaginably big holes in the field to patch. If I know the Mets, I'd wager that Wright, Frenchy, Luis and maybe Murphy will be penciled in next year for better and worse. With Reyes and Beltran up in the air. They need a big goddamn bat for left, catcher or first or all three. No more geriatrics godammnit.

    Jaap, luckily for the Mets, greed always wins out over common sense. Plus, Bernazard may be addition by subtraction.

     

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.