Mike Pelfrey Named Fifth Beatle

New York Mets pitching prospect and occasional April rotation member Mike Pelfrey was today named Fifth Beatle by the Mets. Upon the announcement, Pelfrey's managers and teammates rushed to lend him their support. Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "This fella can't pitch worth a damn, but man when he takes that mouth guard out and puts that mouth harp in, he makes sweet sweet music sooth my soul can I get a holla back?" GM Omar Minaya: "We knew when we drafted him, Pelfrey was something special, we just thought it would be his ability to perform consistently on the mound without tipping his pitches. Now we see it's his adeptness with layering tracks in the studio and his ability to lay down a steady rockin' back beat that really distinguish him." Approached while vandalizing Angel Pagan's locker, outspoken Met closer Billy Wagner issued the most definitive praise: "Whether or not Paul is dead, Big Pelf's got the stuff, but mentally he's got what it takes, too. The people that do the evaluating in baseball, they've never kept it in the pocket, or established a nice groove. They don't know what it takes. But he's got it. There's no doubt in my mind." Orlando Hernandez could not be reached for comment. Since the announcement was made while the Mets opened up the season in Florida, Miami media coverage was scant as journalists were distracted by the debut of The Manatees, the Marlins' dance troupe of plus-size men, as they jiggled their way into the hearts of fans. Assuming his position with the mop tops, Pelfrey will be unable to make his weekend start in Atlanta. To fill his slot in the rotation, the Mets recalled righthander Aaron Sele from A St. Lucie.


(Editor's note: I know, I tried much harder last year.)