It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me at:itsmetsforme@gmail.com or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, January 07, 2008

Metastrophe 2007: Low Blows

Item: Roger Clemens enmeshed in Roidgerpolooza:

"If I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, where did I get 'em?" he said. "Where is the person out there [who] gave 'em to me? Please, please come forward."

I think I know who got him his supply.

Debbie Clemens' 10 Ways to Reduce Stress in Your Life, helpfully amended to reflect recent events


1.Add more fun to your life - do things you enjoy and enjoy what you do. A little vitamin B-12 injected in the right place can help ease the soreness when you have a little too much fun.

2.Get enough sleep and rest - your body must recharge and discharge tension. Demand that your contract include half a season of rest, which is also convenient for urine testing issues.

3. Express your feelings - - unexpressed emotions are the seeds of stress, pain and illness. Be sure to express them to a hopelessly comprimised softball tele-journalist living off the fumes of his productive years. Also, for pain lidocaine does the trick.

4.Laugh often - laughter is a great tension breaker and it enhances the immune system.

5.Exercise - regular exercise is a great way to relieve tension, increase energy and improve your mood; find an activity you like and do it often. Or juice up to the extent you have a third ear coming out of your forehead. Then you can be pulling tractors with your teeth.

6.Love more - learn to use things and to love people, instead of the other way around. Roger really has to work at this one...his son Koby still resents having his head thrown at during a minor league tune up.

7.Eliminate self-pity - you may get sympathy for a while, but soon you will get avoided. Even ESPN will stop kissing your needle pocked ass.

8.Develop meaningful relationships - it is important to have good friends in whom you can confide and find support; it is also important to be a true friend. Careful though, buddies like Andy Pettite and Brian McNamee can be more trouble than they're worth.

9.Alter behaviors and attitudes - when ideas or views are not serving you well - change them - learn to respond to situations, not react; compromise. And always file your law suits pre-emptively.

10. Learn relaxation techniques - meditation, yoga, tai-chi... experience inner peace. Inner peace handy for thwarting lie detector tests as well.

When this is all over, Clemens would be lucky to get a new contract offer, even from his family.

But this, folks, is not even my low blow of the day...

***
Low blow of the day

Jose Lima is seemingly no longer an option for Omar's 2008 Mets rotation. LT is considering a run at the all-time HRs given up record in Korea, according to the Korea Times. As he nears a deal with the Kia Tigers, it will be interesting to follow how he plans to get his wife's chest through customs, as they certainly will have never seen the likes of those.



***

Could Major League Baseball stand to benefit from a little Drunk History?

9 Comments:

  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous cver said…

    I hear that Roger Clemens will become a professional wrestler:)

     
  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    what name will he wrestle under, "Buttman?"

     
  • At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey Roger, is that an abscess in your pants or are you just happy to me and my needle?

    YB

     
  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous YB said…

    *to see*

     
  • At 10:40 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    what about the unfillable abscess between his ears?

     
  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Dan in Texas said…

    Great job, awesome post!

     
  • At 11:50 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    thanks dan!

     
  • At 12:00 AM, Anonymous Bryan Rees said…

    Roger's day: Took his beautiful and lovely wife, the loving mother of four good boys, and threw her straight UNDER THE BUDS TO SAVE HIS OWN SKIN!!! Wow! that's the most selfish and disgusting act I have ever seen. THEN! you try to make us believe that the ferret looking weazel Mcnamee, would be alone in your bedroom slowly pulling down your hot little trophy wife's bikini panties, gently rubbing some soothing alchohol on her cute round butt and RAMMING some HGH into her and you didn't even know about it?!!! Spare me man! If she has the brains to go with the looks, which I believe she has, she will be mobilizing a team of lawyers to divorce your self-righteous fat ass and get as much money as she can before the ambulance chaser Rusty "Face" Hardin gets it all. You should have just been a man and told the truth. Look what YOU HAVE DONE to your family dude, not anyone else's fault. You took the juice, got caught, lied about it, and it's all coming down. I'll pray for your wife and kids, but you need to do some serious jail time to get your thinking straightened out about what matters in life. I'll give you a hint, it ain't "The Rocket" (I always hated that stupid nickname!)

     
  • At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Roger Clemens is a nothing more than an uneducated, ignorant, fat redneck who can throw a baseball. He has listened to people tell him that he is so great for so long that he believes it. The only thing good about this situation is that all America gets to lust over his botoxed, siliconed, hot trophy wife.

     

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