It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Fatsos Finish Off Mets like Twinkie

I love this team, but they are pitiful. Getting NONE of the little things done. Mental mistakes, crappy bullpen, limp offense, metal errors. It should be dawning upon most of us that this is a nightmare we fans might not wake up from. Without Ron and Gary to keep me entertained I'd a turned this crap off tonight.

If it weren't for the suck ass relief pitching, the story of this loss would have been the mets running themselves out of the game. Seemingly caught stealing or in run downs at every pivitol moment. How much of this is Willie trying to be aggressive and how much is the player's initiative?

What now? Fire Hojo? One thing is for sure, its time to drop Beltran in the order. how does 8th sound? Or put him at 6th, and smooth his ego by telling him the NY times says this is the "prime run producing spot", and see how he does.

And it doesn't make matters better to get beaten by the very Art Howe-era mediocre players we just swept from the Mets system and replaced with wonderful wonderful players. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the worst first place team in recent memory. They have the talent, but can't get it done.

Heath Bell is fat. Or was that Ring? I forget. whoever they are, they need to talk to their tailor. And i noticed this on a night that David wells started. Time to start roller blading to the park,pal and take Wells with you.

As for how the Mets will fare againsts Pad's ace tomorrow night, I don't need Greg Maddux to piss on my leg and tell me its raining.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

A Kiner and Gentler Mets Win*

Ralph Kiner night, a night the Mets had to pull one out. They called on the Anti-Ralph Kiner, Lastings Milledge to deliver Toothless another win for his big br*ve pile of victories from a bygone era. The Mets waited for Stormy Weathers, then the Yom Clipper doubled and LM got it done just in the nick of time--the game was about to end.

Toothless somehow struck out five and pitched a two hitter, even though he's been pitching batting practice lately, he looked good. Oh wait, it was the Reds with bats in their hands.

Chris Woodward looked different. Was it the sox?

Anyhow, what can you say about an O.G. like Lastings? He looked ready to go in spring training and maybe he will finally prove some of his doubters wrong. I would be content to ride with Thrilledge and GO-tay for the time being.

Someone needs to light a fire under Delgado's ass. That's what it's all coming down to. That baby is really distracting him from being a left handed threat in the middle of the lineup. There's no breast feeding in baseball, Carlos! Los Carlos' seem to feed off each others sucess and failure.

I'm forever grateful that I got to see Yogi Berra and Ralph exchange slurred time-delayed quips and stories. I don't know if you caught it, but right at the end of the segment in the booth, Yogi says to Kiner, "I'll see you (later)," to which Ralph replied offhand "Is that a threat?"

Word is, the Br*ves are taking a look at Franco-stein, as I thought they would. Finally! Atlanta is taking the Mets castoffs. Although, as Matt Franco, Chris Woodward, and others prove, this has happened before.

*title furnished by Cver's Amazing Technicolor Auto Parts Emporium

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Mets Haranged in Cincy, The Maine is Sunk

The awfulfense is back. And John Maine certainly was no All-Star last night. If the team with the most double plays hit into and lame bounce outs to second was declared the winner, the Mets would have no problems right now. But unfortunately that is one part of the game that Bud Selig has not meddled with, and the Mets still must score more runs than the other guy to win.

The Br*ves and Phillies sharks have to be sniffing blood at this point, and the Mets still have the look of chum.

Many of the flaws that general manager Omar Minaya cited as reasons for the firing of hitting coach Rick Down were still clearly on display Friday.

If the Mets are really moving Pelfrey to the Bellfrey, I mean bullpen, I think that's a good idea. Perhaps he can get some confidence and a record of sucess there.

My hands are starting to hurt from having been thrown up so many times.

"Empty Base Syndrome"

MLB's pricey and controversial out-of-market game package is not featuring today's Mets-Reds game. Which is odd, given that the package is called "Extra Innings." So I will miss the Ralph Kiner festivities in their totality, or I will go hunting for free wireless to watch my equally pricey MLBtv buffer and stall for a few hours tonight. To prove that MLB's so-called extra innings package is indeed an Orwellian nightmare, the MLB has a new ad campaign to get new subscribers, but more likely just to toy evily with the out-of-market fans driven out-of-their-minds by patchy coverage. If i remember correctly, the ad's tagline is the out of market fan who can't get their own team's games locally suffers from "Empty Base Syndrome," which can then be remedied by purchasing their "Service."

Well, thanks to Madison Avenue, we current subscribers now have an ironic new way of describing how we feel when MLB does not include a game, whether its rights are "covered" or horded by Fux Network, or whether there isn't a good damn reason under the sun, like today. "Empty Base Syndrome."

Jeter: a Reinterpretation

The annals of Derek Jeter worship have a new addition today in a story by Jack Curry called: "Players go giddy for autographs, but not Jeter."

Based on the fact that Derek Jeter does not collect other players' autographs during All-star game festivities, the author imputes some wonderous characteristics to Jeter: he "asks for nothing in return" and "keeps it simple". In other words, he's just to darn modest to ask for autographs.

Here are some tidbits:

So, although the San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds, who is about to become baseball’s career home run king, asked Jeter to sign a jersey, Jeter requested nothing in return.
Jeter was content to attend Bonds’s All-Star party, even if it made him claustrophobic.
“Too crowded,” Jeter said. “I don’t like crowds.”

“I’ve had some of the players on Old-Timers’ Day ask me to sign for them,” Jeter said. “It’s weird. I’ll look at them and say, ‘Are you sure you want me to sign this?’ ”
It is not shocking that Jeter avoids chasing autographs, since he prefers keeping things simple.

Well Jack Curry, in my business, we do a little thing we like to call accounting for alternative hypothesis. Want to hear one? Derek Jeter is such a smug self-righteous asshole that even on the biggest stage, at the Allstar game with players far more talented and equally as famous, such as Barry Bonds and Yogi Berra--even if they ask him for his--Jeter thinks it is beneath him to ask for their autographs because that would place him on less than equal footing with them, and his massive ego wouldn't allow this --his star power would in his mind be dampened. More modest players, such as Barry Bonds (!) have no problem getting starry-eyed around their comrades. But Jeter isn't going to "chase" autographs when he could be pretending to be modest! I wonder if Jeter needs to hire a publicist...he gets it for free most days.

We have a winner:

I want to share something with you, in case you missed it on that little-read but still spunky blog Metsblog. My response to a poster:

As any reader of this site knows, any monkey can come up a bad trade idea. I've done a few myself.

However, your "Dunn and Weathers for Pelfrey, Heilman, and Milledge" is a magnificant work of performance art. I commend you. Nay, I worship you.

This trade idea is not the work of any inferior intellegence. This, my friend, is genius. Ostensibly a trade idea floated on a blog, it subtly mocks all conventions, and even makes us examine the very meaning of the concept "trade."

I hereby credit you with the WORST TRADE IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD.

Why you ask?
1) it would be so bad for the home team (the good guys, you know the Mets) as to be unthinkable.
2) it pretends to exhibit not even a passing knowledge of baseball or recent history, while actually undermining an entire conceptual apparatus we use to evaluate baseball transactions.
3) as any true work of genius, it appears effortless.

So kudos to you! Dont take this the wrong way, i didnt come to flame you, merely to honor your genius.

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Friday, July 13, 2007

RickeyShea!* Mets Get Down with a Victory over Cincy

Dear Omar Minaya,

Every season, you write me a letter to bring me up to speed and get me all excited about the coming season, and it occurs to me, never once have I written you back.

So I am returning the favor now, and I want to say one thing. Thanks for reading our fan boy (and girl) metsblogs so carefully, and making changes in accordance with our every wish. Er, I don't remember asking you for Marlon Anderson, but well there was that night we were pounding Jager and I don't remember much, other than waking up in a men's dress shirt that wasn't mine. Anyhow, what a day... let "fan-archy" reign dude!

I haven't had this much fun since Art Howe got fired, but decided to ride the season out anyway!

The media of course, have widely misquoted what Julio said upon his release. He really said that he was "unhappy with playing Father Time" but of course the beatwriters had to maliciously twist this to "unhappy with playing time," Why would he say something like that? That would be ridiculous. We won't let the media ruin our fun, will we big guy?

Anyhow, look for a fax from me Monday morning outlining the final few changes I need you to make, and just to warn you, they may involve Tim Teufell.

Love and cookies,


ps. are we still on for volleyball on Saturday?

The Mets Cop a Freel

I wonder which hurt Ryan Freel more, the way the Mets exploited his lackadasical fielding or the tougue lashing administered by Keith Hernandez, who seemed to be taking out his Gary-frustrations on the Reds. Which reminds me, during forced games of volleyball (a fairy sport if there ever was one, badmittons muscular cousin), my junior high gym teacher, Mr Murgo, an asshole with a glass eye, used to scream: "Hit it to (student name here)" in an attempt to humiliate us. The real humiliation, had we known, was probably that he was watching us dress with his one good eye. But I digress. That's what Freel probably felt like yesterday. And Murgo, if you're out there, I'll kick your 70 yr old ass for free pallie, just drop me a line. Anyhow I think Marge Schott must have keyed Keith's car at some point.

* Title on loan from Cver, of Cver's Midnight Oil Daycare SleepAway Camp for Children!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Mets Pay Rickey!

If you are like some of my readers, and can't get enough of me, check out the roundtable blogger discussion over at Metsblog that I participated in along with some of history's finest metsblogging fellas.

Let's get right to it. No point in avoiding mentioning today's METFLASH. The Mets brass is apparently trying to shake up the team, so out goes hitting coach Rick Downs and his syndrome, and in comes...

Rickey Henderson, a card-carrying member of the happy Bobby Valentine-era Mets family!

There has been some initial confusion as to whether Rickey was hired as a replacement for Rick Downs or HoJo. No team in its right mind is going to let Rickey near first base in a uniform, so the money here is on Rickey being the new hitting coach. Plus the Mets don't want to have a situation come up where Rickey and Julio Franco, a player older and less adept than Rickey, find themselves fighting over the first base bag in the middle of the game, should Franco ever make it down to first base again.

When discussing Rickey's salary, the Mets decided to pay him using the "unintentional comedy scale."

Players will certainly benefit from Rickey's lessons. Reyes has already reaped the benefits of Rickey's toutledge, for example the past week when he declined to run out ground balls on two occasions.

But again, all eyes will be on the kind of relationship Rickey "the greatest leadoff hitter of all time" enjoys with Julio Franco, "the greatest pinch hitter of all time" and a few years his senior. Will they butt heads, or share egg white shakes and hold each other's feet for crunches during workouts?

For any novelty sports blogger, Rickey's new appointment and his new visibility is like Dan Quayle to David Letterman. We likes Rickey. In any event, look for Rickey and his fabulous dress shirts to be playing a big role in the Mets' second half, which just got a whole lot more interesting.


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

All Star Notes and other Random Rhetorical Questions and Answers

Is there such a thing as a rhetorical answer? There should be. It's an answer that you don't question. Or something.

Is the All-Star game a big waste of time? Is Hunter Pence a mouthbreather?

"Putz" is not pronounced "puts." Reminds me of the Upright Citizens Brigade sketch where Officer Lunatic insists on being called Loo-NA-tick.

Game Highlight, from a production standpoint: the always family-friendly Fux Network miking the Leyland and Froemming cursing...

I hate Jorge Posada. He can hit, but the guy can't catch.

I actually feel myself getting a little pissed about the national league futility joe buck (you) keeps talking about.

Is the "this time it matters" World Series home field advantage rule a ridiculous slight to baseball lovers everywhere? Is Bruce Froemming a massive butterball?

Was it only a matter of time before Countrytime lemon opened his yapper? Leave it to the Post to drudge up some controversy:

"I think speaking only as if I was the manager - not Willie - he wouldn't play," Wagner said before last night's 5-3, 17-inning victory over Houston. "He wouldn't play the next two games - no matter how bad we need him.
"Because you're trying to build a leader, not try to build just a good ballplayer. You want leadership out there. You want a guy out there that people look at and respect because he's playing 100 percent every game.
"Nobody's going to respect him if he only shows up on certain games."
"I love Jose to death," Wagner said. "He's a great ballplayer. But the way I was raised is you hit the ball, you run like hell. The umpires will tell you if it's fair or foul.
"When you have that type of talent and you start to play that way, you become a prima donna. And when you're a prima donna, it's not fun to be around you."

Countrytime then went on to singlehandedly give the Mets possible World Series opponent home field advantage.

Sadly Alomar Jr. has joined the "Calvade of Alomars" at Shea. The Alomar family is an unusual family for the Mets to be celebrating. I'm just saying.

Top Ten things that would happen to you if you sucked as bad as Dave Williams did the other day: you'd miss your plane, lose your wife, lose your pickup truck to the bank, contract an STD from a latex sex doll, lose the lottery, your cow would die, stub your toe, sign Roberto Alomar, oh I can't go on.

Things them Mets is sayin', or at least things reporters is sayin' that Mets is sayin'

Metsblog's D.J. Short talks to John Delcos, who drops this nugget:

Q: How much is the chase for 300 wins weighing on Tom Glavine's mind?

A: Glavine didn't get to where he is by letting things bother him. He's more frustrated by a lack of support than anything.

Whaaa??? Glavine is worried more about This is heresay, but still, if true is another reason to throw on the pile of reasons I will never truly accept Glavine as a Met, even if I sometimes say I do.

While my eyes were glazing over listening to the platitudes of Joe (suck and) Buck and Tim(MY!) Mc Carver (Tim we know its the AT&T ballpark, but thanks for constantly reminding us), I turned my attention to a miraculous little roundup-style article in the NY Times.

The print version of the article has the word in parenthesis and bold. The internet version has apparently been corrected, though there are similar phrases in today's NYT sports section.

With 30 home runs, 86 runs batted in and a .317 average, Rodriguez is having a superb season. Although he will [UNDOUBTEDLY] likely opt out of the three years and $81 million left on his contract to become a free agent, he spoke fondly of New York.

Ok first of all, I did not know that Slappy would LIKELY/UNDOUBTEDLY opt out of his contract, but I don't always follow these things. I know that his wife wears offensive t-shirts. is the paragraph that really caught my attention:


Barry Bonds paid Carlos Beltrán, the center fielder for the Mets, a huge compliment.

“I just walked past Carlos Beltrán and he said, ‘I just want to be like you,’ ” Bonds said. “I said, ‘You’re already better than me.’ His talent is already better than me.”

No no no no no. First of all, that sounds to me like Barry Bonds is paying Barry Bonds a huge compliment. And BY ALL THAT IS MOOKIE Nooooooo! Carlos Beltran wants to be like this sad tragedy of a man, soon to be indicted, reviled coast to coast, who disrespects the game and the fans despite a royal baseball lineage? That is not good news.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Mastering the Midseason Mets Malaise: What Would Kiner Say (WWKS)?

At midseason, this team clearly needs a spark. The beautiful “Los Mets” of April and May have become the depressing “Gross Mets” of June and July.

Is the answer in midseason acquisitions? Or will the return of Pedro or Old Man Moises be the thing to bring the mojo back? Well both men’s histories suggest a certain carnival atmosphere, one keeping company with midget mascots the other using his own urine to celebrated effect. But it says here: don’t count on it. The 1000 lb. gorilla in the room, who I will only refer to as LM…could actually give this team more of a spark than either of these guys. But ultimately, it may be this team will only gel again when the Traveling Carloses start acting less like the Traveling Willburys and more like, um, I dunno, itinerant serial killers.

But as for what to do in the meantime, I have no idea, and I am a bit skittish about instant gratification trades. I love the team as presently constituted, no Trashell’s, Super Joes, Armandos to raise my orange and blue blood pressure. Aside from a few players who seem to be in need of a retirement watch and a kindly pat on the back, the Mets have the parts to win, and a trade-athon would most likely make me unhappy. My love for the players on this team should mean high “enjoyability factor.” What’s more there the Mets are sitting in first place. But good God man, they are playing some very un-enjoyable baseball.

Who to turn to in these puzzling times? I choose Ralph Kiner as my guide, pouring through his body of work for clues. As the philosopher of baseball befuddlement, Kiner is the one man we can turn to in times of trouble. Of course lately, he is just confused. But some times confusion leads to pure poetry. So now, without further ado, and without the aid of statistics or common sense, I will attempt to use the inadvertant philosophy of Ralph Kiner to unlock the key to the current Met Malaise. This is dangerous, so don't try this at home. Where the facts have yet to catch up to my analysis, I’m sure timeless wisdom of Ralph Kiner will win your hearts.

Identity: “Hello, everybody. Welcome to Kiner's Corner. This is....uh. I'm...uh"

If shaving your head doesn’t create a team identity, then a wild eyed Paul LoDuca outburst should, right? Uh…Well if team mojo is measured by smiles on the ballfield, then everything is AOK. But if you’re looking for stirring comefrombehind wins and a never lay down attitude, well, the Mets’ get up and go has got up and went in June and July. Where is the teams’ character at? The Carlossss are quiet stars. The team’s elder statesman, Toothless Tom and Julio Franco-stein are too busy throwing batting practice and grounding weakly and weekly to second with a big heavy bat to inspire my confidence in their authority.

The injury factor: "He's going to be out of action the rest of his career."

Though Ralph was talking about Bruce Sutter in this quote, it does seem like Moises and Lastings Milledge have been on the shelf for, like, evah. LM return might be pending, and I pray will give the team a positive spark. But the Endy and Gomez and Dirty Sanchez injuries have made it tough for this team to get a nice rhythm going. Injuries have been a factor, no doubt about it.

Management: "If Casey Stengel were alive today, he'd be spinning in his grave."

Some fans say Willie is the problem. I am not his biggest fan, and he could perhaps encourage his boys to take the occasional walk, but I don’t think he’s the problem right now. Stengel’s best known quote is much more appropriate: "Can't anybody play this here game?" (the actual quote according to Wikipedia). Sucessful bullpen management, unimpeachable lineups, inspiring on-field tirades, and marvelous double-switches only lead to so many wins, ya know?

Putting the biscuit in the basket: “"The Mets have gotten their leadoff batter on only once this inning."

Runners in *$!?&#! scoring position! Arrghh. Roy Oswalt. Arrghh. The Mets ability to hit with RISP is RIP. When they get that leadoff batter on base, that leadoff batter is often Jose Reyes, who often steals second, is advanced to third, then sits smiling and thinking about butterflies while his teammates fail him. Don’t it make you mad? Once an inning is enough, if you have guys interested in RBIs.

Power outage: "This one deep to right and it is way back, going, going, it is gone, no off of the top of the wall."

Well without the aid of statistics, I’m going to go ahead and say that the Mets relative lack of homeruns is a major difference between the awesomefense of last year and the awfulfense of this year. Of course, offensive cushions in the early innings apparently don’t work as well when the starter gives them right back though. Yes Tommyboy, I’m looking at you.

As we head into the second half, we fans have to know that there is nothing we can do to affect the outcomes of the games. The best we can do is cope, and try to understand. Turning to Kinology is one way to reach a calm place. Omm. Another soultion is that the *&$*#! Mets start an unrelenting win streak, bury those *&%!* Br*ves and Phillies, and return us to the blissful state we were in this Spring. This is important, because, to paraphrase the great Ralph, "Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water. The other third is covered by Metsfans."


Saturday, July 07, 2007

Mets Can't Get it Wright, But Pelf-help isn't the Answer

It's no surprise to announce that another unknown young pitcher waved his Wandy over the Mets Aw-fense. Well unknown to me at least, and he did look young. Anyway that the Mets were unable to catch a fish called Wandy didn't shock a soul. The big surprise came at the ...

Texas Standoff. * They were in Texas. And Reyes, well, Reyes just stood there, perhaps a winning strategy in dodgeball or freezetag, but alas not so useful for major leage baseball.

Why was Reyes doing his pro-wrestler stare? Did Wandy call him a wussy? Did he "think it was the bat"? It would have looked better if Jose had caught himself, and headed for third--at least he could say he was confused. Although many digital trees are going to be squandered these next few days over the whys, whatsthats, and wherefores of Jose's Hoedown, the clearest fact of the matter is that Willie did the right thing, managed for once, and sat that boy down, not to mention saving Billy Wagner the trouble of crayoning out some "No yer place All Star" signs for Reyes' locker. Reyes non-move wasn't even entertaining, like a good Paul Lo Duca brain-cramp- baseball-spike.

Let's let the everlovin' Marty Noble set the clubhouse scene before we submit it to analysis:

"If you can't get out of the box," Randolph said several times, "you don't play."

The manager indicated that the punishment he imposed doesn't necessarily end with one missed inning. Reyes could be excluded from the lineup Saturday as well, potential discipline several teammates privately endorsed Friday night.

[Randolph said ]: "Now is the time you become a winner. He's not there yet."
And team sage Julio Franco acknowledged he intends to speak with Reyes, "probably after the [All-Star] break. I want him to think," Franco said.

So, first, if you can't get out of the box, you can't play for Willie. That is, unless that box is a coffin and you are named Julio Franco-stein. And what exactly is a guy whose bat speed was gone before Reyes was born, yet still uses a heavy bat which he tilts way the hell behind him have to tell Reyes about thinking? That said, I publicly endorse this move. What I am worried about is the sentence regarding those that "privately endorsed" it though, since chemistry is the only thing this team has maintained since the start of the June swoon, and nobody likes whispers any more than they like pouty all-star short stops. And also, did Willie have to go and call Reyes a loser?

In related development, somewhere in the minors, Lastings Milledge just let out a sigh of relief. Maybe the media will still be pissing on Jose when I get there, he might be thinking. it time to hog pile on the Mets base-running barrista? Is it time to take totally uncalled for cheap shots at everyone's favorite ReyesRunner? No it isn't, not when half of the rest of the team jogs to first on balls hit entirely in fair territory. But only time will tell what "Reyes-Gate", as some astute observers are calling this episode, will mean to the team's chemistry.

So Willie looked forward to blowing out the candles last night, but he just blew out some veins in his head. The Mets need to look at themPelfs in the mirror. Because Agent 0-7 Mike Pelfrey is not cut out for this assignment. He is honoring the arrival of 7/07/07 with his 7th loss, and perhaps making a run for John Franco's proud 1998 mark of losing 8 decisions without a W. That's not to say that he pitched that bad. He had some help in reducing the Mets First Place Sweater to a ball of Yarn from the one and only David Wright, who seemed from the get-go to be desparate to lose this game.

Wright came into orange juice park "not from concentrate." That is to say, he was more bozo than boffo, and suitably made the last out not being able to get to second on a wild west pitch. Meanwhile, Wright wasn't alone in being out at 2nd--second game losses are getting to be old hat for the Mets, and I don't mean the hat with the paper mache apple in it. I mean the hat that is getting really old.

This was an ugly, dumb, stupid, boring loss for the boys in bluorange, and I get even crabbier thinking about how the Br*ves won their game.

The Br*ves are only 2 games out.

And this ain't even yer father's, or slightly older brother's, Astros team. The killer B's are now more like killer C's and Mike Scott's Asstro-not's won-loss record is close to the opposite of the Mets. I demand the Mets to win the next two damn games. But tonight's pitchers are 80 years young, and if the Mets continue to have trouble with pitchers with stupid names, then Toothless Tom will have his hands full with Woody Williams.

*titles, various thoughts and promotional considerations provided by Cver's Adventure Travel and Pancake House, "When You're Hungry for Adventure, Think of Us!"


Friday, July 06, 2007

Stop Sign On Maine Street!*

Welcome to itsmetsforme...

I'd like to break it down today, and address some issues of serious concern to all of us here at IMFM. For extra sensitivity, I will use italics. The thing is....lately I have been receiving a lot of emails and such, accusing me of being soft on Mets Vice President of Media Relations Jay Horowitz. Well, I think I need to respond to this vocal majority...

You people claim that Horowitz has failed to stop the most egregious of Mets PR nightmares. Well that might be true. But he's got so many other nice qualities, I just can't stay away.

Selected episodes, not featured in Jay Horowitz' best-seller, My Triumphs: My Years Doing PR for a team that's colors are Blue and Orange

Did I vote for him for media hero? Yes, yes I did. And yes, although he failed to tell David Wright not to pose for the covers of Better Homes and Gardens or the video game Drunk Driver III, I gave him a pass. Do I allow myself to be influenced by the personal letter I get from Omar Minaya every pre-season? Maybe. Did I mistakenly think Horowitz was in the Beastie Boys? Perhaps. Does that make me a bad person? No, I submit to you, that is not what makes me a bad person.

In conclusion, if you people want me to hate Jay Horowitz, well that's not going to happen. Bill Ianniciello, Vice President of Ticket Sales and Services? Maybe. But not Horowitz.

Now to the game. The Mets managed to win another first game of a series. And score some more early runs. Ho hum. I'll believe it when I see a game 2 victory. The story here is Mr. Maine. Even the most dogged fans of Mr. Kris Benson have to admit, Maine is now the team stopper. In fact one well-respected Metfan has even gone so far as to say Maine's tenth commandment was thou shalt not loose! Anyway, the season is going as smooth as a Rickey Ledee route to an outfield catch--we think he'll catch it, but it is painful to watch. We think we're going to win the division, but...


If you have already finished your homework and done your chores, why not head over to check out the new Metwork blog, featuring the charming anonomous comedy stylings of an ex-reader of this space, Sidd Finch. Today, Sidd talks with George Burns.

*title courtesy of Cver's European Title and Brazillian Wax Service


Thursday, July 05, 2007

Mets Lit Up like Fourth of July: Oooo...Aaaahhhh

Well, we've now seen how the thin air affects Willie Randolph's guys' formula for sucess. the formula equals 34 runs against,12 runs for. In case you missed it, Misery Loves Company nailed it a few weeks ago.

1. Score early.
2. Starter fades.
3. Squander opportunities to score.
4. Bullpen implodes.
5. Hitting decreases with every passing inning (1-2-3 ninth is a given)

This alone would drive many a metfan crazy if it weren't for the baseball gods smacking the Br*ves and Phillies with the suck-stick.

Oliver Perez and Jorge Sosa, two who have just recently entered the rip in the time-space-baseball continuum that is the Mets injured list (a time warp that spits out players like Jose Valentine and Shawn Green in a nanosecond, but holds on to others like Lastings Milledge and Moises Alou for eons) will hopefully both resume their surprising seasons after the All-Star break.

One plan to get healthy in Houston involves sneaking into the Houston clubhouse with a canvas bag, and replacing Roy Oswalt with Aaron Sele. Another involves re-Roiding Mota, getting a few weeks of productivity out of him, then voiding his contract. Yet another involves manipulaitng the sugar in Paul lo Duca's diet, in the hopes of another inspiring freak-out. I personally prefer to start the season over after next Wednesday.

But the Mets, until they can find their way, must attend to some un-patriotic business in Houston starting tonight. According to Wikipedia, all but two of the Active 25 man roster are red blooded Americans!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

What a Crockie!

Let me first mention that the Mets rotation has more bugs in it than Blogger TM Software. Suffice it to say, it took me 30 minutes to comment on my own blog today, and I'm making eyes at some other blog providers.

Now this ain't Archie Bunker's Army, but somehow this picture seemed to sum up what the Mets have in their "Vargas Girl." Apologies for the casual sexism, but hey, I didn't expect to be loosing this often, and am running out of material. And no one is reading this anyway. Plus, Vargas does kind of throw like a girl.

How would you like your runs served up, sweetie?

Think I'm being too hard on Vargas? Only the major league rule that games go 9 innings stopped Kaz Mat from hitting last night. How can we comprehend Vargas' performance? Well, say you finally got the job of your dreams. And say you show up for work on your first day at 1PM, drunk, wearing no pants, and having parked your car in the lobby. You take the office donut supply and use it to create pretend breasts for yourself. And then you take a shit squarely on the desk of your new boss. That about does it.

Red Sox and Bobby Valentine "form an alliance"

Besides sharing scouting reports, the clubs will exchange coaches, training staff and front-office personnel. Developing baseball in China and other Asian nations also will be part of the program.

Boston and the Chiba Lotte Marines of Japan's Pacific League will be sharing coaches. Sounds messy. Bobby, how could ya?

Craig Shipley, vice president of international scouting for the Red Sox, said Wednesday that Boston will be able to take advantage of Valentine's knowledge of Japanese baseball.
"Bobby Valentine's foresight, his vision, his knowledge of Japanese and American baseball is second to none," Shipley said.

I guess the Sawx never heard of Yoshii.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Toothless Tosses Jet Lagged BP to Kaz-less Crockies

Tom Glavine pitched a great session of batting practice last night at Coors Field...wait, what's that you say? That COUNTED?

Getting ready to get hammered?

It was a game barely worth watching, even if you are like me and following closely which shoulder Rick Peterson touches on each pitcher during his trips to the mound. There's got to be a pattern in there somewhere.

Of course who could pay attention to the game AND try to keep up with who in the Mets rotation was heading to the DL? The hope is that the Mets can recuperate during the completely unneccesary calvacade of boredom that is the All-Star break next week.

Where is Kaz Matsui? I have been unable to substantiate rumors that he plays for this Colorado team. If anyone sees this man, shown here with Mr Met, please contact this space.

The June swoon seems to be over, but these Mets clearly aren't dominant at this point in time. Should the Mets get younger by adding Jose Contreras? God I hope that doesn't happen, especially if it involves Thrillage in any way other than picking him up at the airport.

Following the Mets these days is a lot like what it must be to be 35 yr old Carlos Delgado. Your baby keeps you up at night, but you're still waiting to break out of the doldrums. And by the way, it is the baby that is causing this slumpy season:

The day after he nearly was charged with two errors last weekend against the A's, Delgado sat the Sunday game at his request. He didn't need a mental breather, however.

"Clear my head? I've been scuffling for three months. I would take weeks off at a time. That had nothing to do with anything," Delgado said. "I've made errors before. I've played bad before. I have 13 years in. The baby had a rough night."

Meanwhile, the Mets Moises "Carl Pavano" Alou has been cleared to began eating spicy foods, getting some air on the shuffleboard court, and eating dinner at 4:30. Or something. Actually, the Alou and Pavano cases don't have that much in common--no one knew Pavano would get injured--but I just wanted to use the word Pavano in a sentence, because I am still smiling after seeing the title of a recent espn profile on the Yankees poster boy of the new millenium: "What Makes Carl Pavano Not Tick? Money for Nothing." It's a good read for those of you who are too classy to get smug about the prorated Clemens debacle. It seems like Mets fans are the only ones getting full value of Cashman's Rocketman folly!

Speaking of Yankers, congrats to the A-rod family on the All-Star bonus! $200,ooo...that's a lot of obscene t-shirts and stripper tips!

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Sunday, July 01, 2007

Mets bash Happ-less Phils

As the calendar mercifully turns to July, Metsfans are getting a long overdue reward, watching (or at least watching some of the games--thanks Extra Innings!) their team beat the Phillies back down into third in a series that has to be frustrating for those loyal and charming Philadelphia fans. But I don't believe in Phillies and I never have. After a Fux broadcast on Saturday that showed, at least to me, how much less annoying Timmy! McCarver is when not flanked by Joe Buck, I was primed to turn on my expensive "baseball package" and pray for Pelfrey to come out strong. But Extra Innings doesn't carry this game. Why? Me and my $200 want to know. I'd like some extra innings right now, please.

June is over and the Mets are only a game off of last year's pace. Let's say goodbye to June, to Shawn Green groundouts to second, to Aaron Heilman gift-bombs, to Stash errors, to Beltran's listless hitting and fielding, to clueless Delgado at-bats, Show's pitching crimes against the game, to loosing series, to getting swept, and to back-to back-to back Dodger jacks. Let's say goodbye to all that. This team appears to be clicking and ready to roll into the post-season.

The two-out run scoring double Pelfrey just gave up to the pitcher notwithstanding.

The media, seemingly exasperated by July's arrival and no team meltdown, has gone after Captain Red Ass relentlessly, telling him to relax or writing him out of town altogether. Media folks, I'm just not interested in any Paul loDuca controversies that don't involve 18 yr old girls. Along with one Carlos' bat going from Bunt-tran to Belt-tran, it is Loduca's fire that coincided most with the end of the worst slide in recent memory, so you won't hear a bad word out of me about the team leader.

As for the injuries, in a way, they couldn't have come at a better time. The All-Star break is about to break, and Sosa and perhaps Ollie will have extra time to heal. I'm such an optimist.


This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.