Hotstove 2007: METASTROPHE!

You're not going to hear this anywhere else. But pick up your heads, Metfans, I think there is a way Omar can land a Santana for the Mets 2008 roster. There is a man that won't cost the Mets anything but money. His name is also Carlos.



This way, Omar holds on to his prospects, brings leadership into the dugout, and fills the clubhouse with music no one admits kind of sucks. Here's a few of his vitals for your consideration. I think he fits in nicely.

Carlos Santana:
Has a black magic woman
Grammy winner
Older, but not Moises Alou old
kind of out of left field
Works well with meatheads
Latino (just playin')

I tried to run a green blog by not posting regularly, really I did. But in these times of Metastrophe 2007, frankly, my public needs me. So I need to write through the guilt and burn the midnight oil (sorry mother nature) to sooth my readers. They needs their Mets ruminations and they need them more than ever, now that the Met GM is reduced to desperately trying to trade for members of the Baltimore Orioles and babbling about "When you get yourself in to trouble is when you feel you have to do something, and then you get yourself in trouble" (our new motto in the blog heading, by the way), even while Arm-ageddon happens and the Boston Red Sox become freakin' invincible.

I feel guilty knowing that I burn valuable kilowatts typing nonsense on a non-biodegradable keyboard, even as good-hearted Americans are out there being green. Whether it's driving to the mall in their light trucks to pay more for Christmas presents and other products because it makes them appear to be saving the environment, buying ecological timebomb iphones, avoiding divorcing their no-good spouses, voting to support wars all over the Middle East and Central Asia, or just driving the environment clean in their hybrids, Americans are saving the planet while I sit here wasting electricity. Anyhow, like Hank Steinbrenner or Ca$hman when they say they're pulling out of negotiations, you can trust my word that from now on, I will make up for this column in greenness all week--no more flushing the toilet for me.

The good offices of Metsblog have recently announced they are entering into a special partnership with the one and only SNY, the people that make those funny cartoons. Now everyone's favorite blogger can work with everyone's favorite broadcast network and everyone wins. Ralph Kiner live-blog, anyone? We here at IMFM are hoping for more Fran Healy content, but in any event it's a great thing. Some fans are concerned, but I don't think this new partnership threatens the continued independent existence of Metsblog; it's not like anyone ever got fired from a Mets broadcasting concern for being too critical of the team! (McCarver got fired cause he had a weird lazy eye! Tim, call me!) I need to try to keep up with the Jones, so I started thinking, what network would team up with me? I have a lot of Spanish channels on my tv, but my Spanish is rusty. Then I hit upon the perfect Lenny to my Squiggy...BeliefNet, the spiritual website. Wait til they see all the hits they will get from this post; they will definitely appreciate my generous shooting of bandwidth their way and I expect a deal to be forthcoming. I'm totally green for Jesus.

So let's ignore that GM bent over the chair for a mere Canadian left hander on our computer screens, and visit with our old friend Mike Piazza, now featured in an interview on the devout Catholic prayer network and future partner of IMFM talking about god and horses, and stuff. He's so, like, intellectual and shit:

We want to try to get closer to God. We want to try to be like Jesus. We always want to try to get on that horse and do the right thing, and be positive. And be positive not just for yourself but for other people.



You might not remember Jesus riding a horse, but you will remember all the ways that Mike served Jesus while he was a Met, by not being gay, and by marrying a former nudie model, because as everyone knows, there is nothing heaven loves more than smokin' hot poontang, praise the lord! And look, how cool, you can click the sidebar on Beliefnet to get to BeliefNet's Soul Match if you want your own cosmetically flawless spiritual hottie! I'm pretty sure this is the way Jesus would have wanted it.

Mike's interview is rockin' like one of those death metal bands he likes. I'm with Mike, especially when he approaches the steroid scandal from his position as a person of faith (not as someone on the Mitchell list or anything):

It's kind of like going back and reinvestigating the Kennedy assassination. It's impossible to really put a finger on where it derailed and where it went wrong. And I think that everybody, in a sense, was realizing that someone--the people and the higher ups--were looking the other way...But I think now people--and especially in Major League Baseball--they've acknowledged it and we have very strict testing now. They were just testing the other day.

Mmmm. Uhuh. Makes perfect sense to me: drug use by athletes right up until the moment they get caught is exactly like shooting a Democratic president in Texas with a magic bullet.

And man, like Mike says, I totally agree Barry Bonds is just like President Bush! There really is no way to see clearly, so we have to just wait 20 years until we can really grasp how Bonds head grew 13 sizes.

And so, it's tough. People get very wrapped up into the record and what it would stand for and whatnot. There's just so much hype about it, and so much controversy and debate about it. I think it's kind of like with President Bush. He's very controversial now. But the true test, or the judge, of his legacy will be 15, 20 years down the line. It's almost impossible now to really form a true evaluation of the situation, because it's so incendiary. Other things have to settle down until we can really put history in perspective. It's very muddied now. Things have to settle, and then we'll be able to see clear.

And whatnot!!! But Mike, I gotta part ways with ya over the "praying for basehits and other minor things." As Mets fans know right now, prayer is sometimes all you have. Mike says he thinks about "God, Jesus and eternity," every hour, on the hour. In fact, I think right now is the perfect time for Metsfans to drop to their knees, if they aren't there already, and start praying for a miracle, cause if Omar keeps stinking it up, its gonna be an eternity before the Mets win the World Series again. And then all those empowered secular progressives who don't believe in things like shaming children, personal responsibility for their actions, or right and wrong, well they will have won! And we don't want that.

And BeliefNet.com, please, please pick up the phone.