It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Beat the Br*ves Edition

Life is swell ...for the moment

The resurgent Br*ves are tomahawked. The red has been beaten off their necks. All-time record crowds are going to Turner Field to bear regular season witness to the end of Atlanta domination of all-things-regular-season. Delicious. John Smoltz, anti-christ, is openly publicly praying to God ("Despite injuries that have limited his playing time in recent years, Smoltz is focused more than ever on making his best pitch — the one he makes vocally for the Lord every chance he gets."). The end of their whole supposed 14 yr. run of first place finishes may just be tarnished forever by recent STEROID ACCUSATIONS*. Chippy Jones pulls a little something. Then there's Captain Red Ass' play. Other than the way those bastards hit my boy Carlos Delgado, there is nothing to be unhappy about. It can't get any better than this, right?

Well, it could get a lot worse come Monday's trade deadline.

Why you ask? Everyone is talking about Zito. Zito this, Zito that. Ok to be fair, the following is something of a rant. Sure, I'd like to have some Zito in my Mets pasta primavera. But the debates that have raged for weeks in the ol' Blogosphere have made me a militant opponent of trading Lovable Lastings at this juncture. What has pissed me off is the shortsighted nature of the arguments for trading Lastings for a Zito rental.

First, they denigrate our number 1 prospect. Detractors say things like "some people" are saying Lastings isnt even the best OF in the league. Milledge "could" end up being a special player, blah blah blah. Insert Reyes or Wright into that sentence and try to say it with a straight face. As far as we and the rest of the league know, Milledge IS a special player. As much as a prospect can be a sure thing, Lastings is one, just like Reyes and Wright were. Do you like what Reyes and Wright are doing for this club? Bingo. Axe yourself what is so darn exciting about this club right now. Hint: it begins with "F" and ends with "uture."

As for the "argument" that Lastings is a potential "head case." Lastings has never once mentioned dinosaurs. He does not mess with the clubhouse music while Al Leiter is on the treadmill. He is confident, slaps fans' hands and wears a joan of arc size cross--what's so crazy about that?

So then they inflate Zito's value. For the anti-Lastings crowd they argue that Lastings will certainly not pan out, while Zito will definitely pan out, despite Zito's recent .500ish record, deal with Billy Beane, and Bora$ factors. Its just wishful thinking disguised as "no brainer" arguments. Zito's amazing postseason record is another canard--he really hasn't shown anything yet in such a small sample, much less consistently gotten to the postseason, and these guys make him sound like Mariano Rivera. Has Zito even attained el duque postseason status.

Nobody knows if Zito would end up resigning. But we do know that getting used by Bora$ to pay for another tennis court at Castle Bora$ because we have no leverage whatsoever (omar remember Mister Benson?) will not get the 2007 season off to a happy start. Who knows what kind of pitching will be available this off-season? Who knows if the cold light of the off-season will take the shine off Zito's resume? The idea that the Mets would get "2 draft picks" for Zito that "might" turn out to be as good as Lastings is annoying. We already have gone through the lengthy process and minor league crapshoot and have a developed prospect in Milledge, and with Cliff Floyd reaching the end of the line and Nady anything but a sure thing, we have to follow the master plan and plug a dynamic and affordable LM into the outfield and throw those dollars at revamping the rotation.

If you can get him for Aaron "Poopyface" Heilman and some other moneyball scrubs fine, but until then...

I Heart You, Capt. RedAss
Mr. Koo, move over. There is a new "best play of all-time." That would be today's game when Paul LoDuca took his red ass to second base while Andrwuwuwu "Smug-motherfucking-Smirking-Snap-Catching Overrated Ugly Punk Ass" Jwuwnes loolygagged the ball in. Words cannot describe why this is symbolically the greatest play of all time, but suffice to say, watching Red Ass chug into second was a revelation. The fact that LoDuca could barely run was the icing on the cake. Mr. Koo's jog on the Big Unit's watch was terrific at the time, a subtle demoralizing poke in the eye of all evil Empires who think nothing of a business plan consisting of acquiring every old superstar possible. Randy Johnson is a symbol of Yanker failure, and the Mr Koo episode brought that home, and was hilarious and thrilling to watch. But who really cares about the Yankers anyhow? The symbolism of Cpt. Red Ass reporting for duty at second base will stay with us forever. And that's because our real enemy doesn't pick out 800 thread-count sheets at Bloomy's (I'm talking to you Derek and Alex), it wears sheets to burning-cross rallies.

The Br*ves are Steroid Cheaters
Hmm. Th end of Br*ves run of NL East championships** comes at the exact time MLB brings the "hammer" down on steroid use in the major leagues. Coincidence? Metsfan poster Wxstevo and I think not. In fact, steriod use and the Br*ve sucess go hand in hand, like Bobby Valentine and fake mustaches, or Rodger Cedeno and the bench. That's right, methinks the Br*ves equipment manager has an order in for a batch of smaller hatsizes and snugger uniforms. So forget about natural cycles of baseball, the brilliance of John Schuerholtz (who didn't look too spiffy in trading Betemont Twin away on the eve of Chippit reinjury) or the loss of the Rockin' Retard (tm) to Baltimore, history will show that the Br*ves abused steroids in order to win. Shocking, I know, but how else to explain John Rocker, or those veins on Marcus Giles head? Brian Jordan couldn't just naturally be that much of an asshole, could he? No, I blame the 'roids. The Atlanta clubhouse is a den of steroids, that's why when Br*ves go elsewhere, they start sucking, ala Maddux, that little pipsqueak Dodger shortstop, and Tom Glavine. The facts are there, just waiting to be discovered. Where's my grand jury?

I was Righter than I was Wronger
Screw giving the Mets a mid-season review. That's so, so other blogger. Nah, I will now review my own pre-season and pre-trade stances in relation to the Mets mid-season situation:

Carlos Delgado I always loved him. He's like the girl that first rejects you, then wilts under your persistence and marries you, though later refuses to stand for the national anthem. I love having this guy around. He's a big part of this club, even if he's sucked most of the year. Next year, baby.
Carlos Beltran Yeah, I called him Buntran. But I didn't really mean it. I always knew he'd come around. Love him.
Jose Valentine Well what can you say. I lovingly mocked this cult-figure with everyone else in the beggining (though I think I have done my penance). And he turns out actually to be superman, playing way above his head on the field and at the plate. Now he's practically the team spokesman.
Endy Chavez I admit, Omar seems to know the scrap-heap. Julio Frankenstine, Valentine, Chavez, freaking Darrin Oliver (!) are just perfect contributors to this team. Our B-Team is as good as our A-team was last year.
Orlando Hernandez well, I was and still am against this trade. Jorge Julio was a project but he was our porject. But seeing as born in '69-Orlando was pretty good today, maybe there is some playoff magic left in him, I might end up wronger.
Xavier Nady ok here's the toughy. I still say the Kameron Nady trade was dumb. Ill-timed and Omar could've waited and tried to pry a more valuable chip away for a gold glove K-miester, say, from the Red Sox who needed a center fielder and have some unbelievable pitching at the minor league level. But I have to grade myself a B- because Nady hasn't done too badly, and except for some freakish injuries, probably would be holding his own. Will he be here next year? Nah.
Paul Lo Duca I wasn't really that against this signing, I just thought Lo Duca was overrated--second half fader, not better defensively than Mikey, dunder-footed and a stupid choice for the so-called two-hole, etc. And there was better stuff available, like the doofus from San Diego, to build this team's foundation. Well I was wrong. After today, I repent. Many fans focus on his leadership, but Capt. Red Ass will always have a place in my heart for what he did by showing up Andruwuw Jwuones today. Mookie balls, grandslam singles, Koo-chases, welcome a new entry into the Mets Great Plays of All-Time Hall of Fame. Mr Lo Duca, your table is right this way.

Ok. That is all.

*made by me of course.
** I realize that i am going against my better nature and assuming the Br*ves will not win the division, thereby putting the voodoo out and going against my deepest held principles. But I really need to make this joke.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Around the Horn: All-Star Boredom Edition

Nah, i couldn't come up with anything more original than "around the horn."

No truth to the rumor that Rickey Henderson and Jose Lima collaborated on the design of the 2006 NL Allstar's HR derby uniforms, but still, another what was Bud Selig thinking? Allstar moment. Nothing says "I fear no man, or AL winning streak" like bright yellow, the favorite color of cowards and people who enjoy pee-snow. But I look to our own David Wright to add some toughness to this year's NL squad, seeing as he already started swearing a blue streak during the HR derby.

Jose can we see?
In today's New York Times, Ben Shpigel reminds us that the kids are not ALL Wright--If this article doesn't bring a lump to your throat, I dunno what will. Remember a time before the David's emergence, before Reyes injuries, before Kaz? Jose Reyes was the guy in the minors we all thought would lead the revival. And he has. And I say this not just cause he's currently hitting .300 and is an excitement machine everytime he gets on either. Without his enthusiasm, there would be no 2006 Mets. Reyes, who has a girlfriend and an 18 month old daughter in Queens (don't we all?), has shown some serious professional growth and maturity this season, despite the risky clubhouse influences the Mets have surrounded him with: Rickey Henderson (attitudinal) and Jose Lima (sartorial). Sure Reyes has taken a pounding in the blogosphere over his legs, on-base percentage (and occasionally one blogger implies he's a dummy), etc. But it's time to give it up for Jose, he makes us happy!!

Is it me, or do the headlines sound vauguely dirty?...

"Stroke is all Wright"
"We've got a long way to go"
"Top Heavy on the Left Side"
"Wright provides early Blast"
"Mets Do It Doggystyle"

Read it!
Savoring FIRE JOE MORGAN's regular dismembering of baseball commentators has been one of my favorite pastimes. FJM uncovers the fact that Rob Dibble has a blog (its called, "Hard Balls"), ridicules controversially stupid White Sox mangager Ozzie Guillen's poor-sport-loading of the AL Allstar rooster with less deserving Sox. Consider FJM's take on some poor bastard's attempt to shine Omar Vizquel's Hall of Fame credentials:

"The sun at Jacobs Field in Cleveland, where Vizquel spent 11 seasons, casts a glare at the shortstop even the best Oakleys can't deflect. On pop-ups, this poses a problem. So Vizquel came up with a solution: He turned his back to the infield to shield his face from the sun and caught fly balls backward.

Hall of Fame. Put 'im in...Yep, every Hall of Famer did something unique. Mike Schmidt played with his hat sideways. Roberto Clemente chewed other people's fingernails. Tris Speaker was Japanese. Lou Boudreau rode a dolphin into the batter's box. Nap Lajoie would only use John Wilkes Booth's dismembered leg as a bat. And he corked it. Johnny Mize was from the future.Babe Ruth hit home runs. .. Catfish Hunter breathed nitrogen. Don Drysdale invented the mandolin. Stan Coveleski ... zzz ..."

Could Greg Maddux really be the answer? Maybe, if the question is: how could the Mets' brass, in one move, sour me on this lovable squad, outside of trading Lastings "Pillage my Village" Milledge? I'm not sure I could live with a rotation tainted by those that have hurt me so badly. Why not just solidify the rotation with Kenny Rogers* and Shaun Estes while we're at it? SatanSmoltz can be had as well.

* Kenny Rodgers is extra evil because well he goes batshit on photographers, but also for this reason: he was too washed up not to walk in the winning run while playing for the Mets, but not too washed up to somehow continue winning. Loathsome.

(another sidenote: there'd be a lot of colorful pictures in this entry if Blogger was working properly for once. Pictures no longer seem to upload.)

Even a broken clock is right two times a day?

How does one know when it's Limatime? What sort of hellspawn clock tells you to give this guy another shot? This season, Jose Lima has went (in spring training) from "the clown that we hope doesn't make the team but if he did at least he'd be entertaining and, hey, maybe just maybe he's got some magic left" to "the clown that Omar must be smoking crack if he thinks we wouldn't rather see Ishii and Estes team- pitch a spot start than watch Lima's career wash up on the beach in front of our eyes--in fact we'd rather watch the ESPYs from the front row siting with John Rocker and his family."

Is there anything left in Lima's bag of tricks, anything more unforgivable than what he did today? Short of doing a Jimi Hendrix with lighter fluid on Mex's number 17 jersey right there on Shea's mound, probably not, and there is no sense in piling on the guy now. Everyone knew this game was a no-contest. But all you GM jrs. out there, you think D-Train's gonna wanna come to NY when he can stay in Florida and hit GRAND-?&%$!? SLAMS of Mets' pitching while he's waiting for the Marlin's quadrennial WS run instead?

Yet the question remains, just how did Lima secure another start in the first place? It's so puzzling, and no one in the Mets universe can seem to figure it out. This team does have a thing for formerly sucessful Astros. But why oh why? Global Warming? Oil Can Boyd's number erased from Omar's cell accidentally? It's upsetting, unless in these heady days of success, growing bandwagon fever, and 12+game leads over the Br*ves, you are a fan who kind of misses the "old Mets" and their charming managerial incompetence.

Anyway, although you can never say never, this experiment seems about done. Lima lost to the Br*ves, Brewers, Cardinals, and Florida, and beat no one but the Mets bullpen, pitching a bit more than 17 innings in 4 games, giving up 25 hits, 19 runs, and probably not earning the cash he will need to get his wife that emergency breast reduction surgery she might need. If you're pulling for Lima, who is a great singer, snappy dresser, a charitable guy off the field, and an amusing character afterall, you have to wonder why the Mets would cruelly expose this guy for the retiree he is.

In any event, I need to get some sleep, get ready for what I hope is a fantastic day with Pelfrey and Owens hopefully pitching lights out so we can reset our collective clocks.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

What time is it?

"Weeee. Hey, how far down does this thing go?"

What time is it?

4th of July?
Time to make the donuts?
Clutch my Lenny Dykstra rosary beads time?
time to hire Lou Pinnella?

That's right, the rumor is, instead of throwing a certain prize minor leaguer whose last name is Pelfrey in the double-header this weekend, the Mets will take a different path, and call up a pitcher with bats in his belfey.

This is all according to Adam Rubin in the Daily News, and the juicy little tidbits contained in his article. I think you know what time it is.

John Maine got ya down? Don't care about Soler? Read about Wonderboy Bannister's injury, from the horse's mouth:

Originally diagnosed with a Grade I hamstring strain, Bannister actually had a more severe partial tear in the middle of the hamstring, close to the sciatic nerve. In a May 18 rehab start he was forced to leave, Bannister felt pain in a tendon atop the hamstring - a different injury caused by overcompensating, which allowed doctors to detect the severity of the hamstring tear. "The resulting scar tissue that formed while healing was irritating the nerve and not allowing me to rehab at full capacity," Bannister wrote. "The scar tissue is now gone, the leg is approaching 100% and I will begin simulation games and rehab starts in the next two weeks."

Is it me, or is Joe Torre getting so ugly, that soon he will no longer be able to appear on camera?


Rickey Henderson had a tough week. First someone blackmailed him into wearing that obscene shirt on television (someone please get me a picure--it was only flashed on tv momentarily but is forever burnt into my retinas). Then, according to the doomsayer over at Newsday, the Mets lost his car. It's a good thing they're paying Rickey, 'cause Rickey knows where NY's other stadium is. Don't make Rickey pull a Strawberry/Cone on you.

Sometimes I get sad.

Everyone Hates Alex

WHY does everyone hate Alex Rodrigez? Tyler Kepner tries to get to the bottom of this question in today's New York Times. While it misses the fact that the jackass took a curtain call in a blowout game, the article, carefully read, brings out most of the reasons A-rod is quickly turning into a stigmatized player. Money can't buy class, and who wants to buy a number 13 jersey anyway?

Now I don't ordinarily bash the Yankmes--I'm a Br*ves hater first and foremost--hell, some of my best friends are Yankees fans (ok that's not true, only one of them is). But this "story" bears some commenting.

My main points:
1) I am too lazy to look up exactly when, but I saw it with my own eyes: in the 5th inning after ringing Heath's Bell, Alex Rodrigez took a fucking curtain call in a 13-5 game! *What a dick! And NO one commented, not a single "article" I've seen in the NY "media" has raised this issue. Who cares if he showed up Ole Soler? He celebrated because I guess he thought this NON CLUTCH homerun would get the Yankees fans who boo him for NOT BEING CLUTCH off his back.
2) Lo Duca should have set up his mit behind Slappy's ass after he hit the first homerun. That's traditional baseball, and there IS a time and a place for retribution. The time: when a arrogant Yankee acts arrogantly. The place: said Yankee's ribs or ass.
3) Sidenote: If you read the article, you see that Giambi got involved in the jawing. Jason "ROIDFREAK" Giambi should keep his big, juiced mouth shut. None of his achievements will count in the record books. In fact, his stupid brother's a more legitimate player (unless he was on the sauce too, I guess). Giambi is a disgrace who the Yankme's would've gladly waived at one point to get away from this obvious drug user. He should keep a low respectful profile after the way he has defiled the game until he retires because he is too distracted by his bulging veins.

I am no long-time A-rod hater, or anything. I never thought about it much, even during the discussion surrounding his signing that ludicrous contract with the shitty Texas Rangers, cause, of course, that was the best route to winning, which is of course his main goal. It was greed pure and simple, but didn't phase me much. The Slappy Mc-Pay-Rod Incident. That's when I first noticed that A-Rod was a dick. Before that, everytime I thought of A-Rod, I thought about how much I hate Steve Phillips or Wilpon or some such thing. After seeing the replays of the Red Sox incident, well, everyone in the country raised an eyebrow and thought, "hey, maybe this guy is a dick."

Read the article. A-Rod stands for Arrogance: Trot Nixon mocked him for talking about his workouts. Even Curt "Big Mouth Bloody Sox" Shilling lashed out at him. But A-Rod points to his all-star game election as proof that people really like him. So that's another reason to dislike him: he cares that anyone doesn't like him, and he points to lame reasons he thinks people like him. He sounds arrogant.

So why, in the final analysis, does everyone hate A-rod?** It's similar to the reason why people hate the Yankers. In a nutshell: sure there are a lot of big payroll teams out there, the Mets included, but the Yankees take it just one step further, one step too far, so that it is offensive. Sure, there are a lot of spoiled millionaires in professional sports, but Pay-Rod takes it one step further, so it's offensive.

Anyhow, the Yankees might have kicked the shit out of our slumping, injury depleted team, but should they really be shooting off their mouths? That's a lot of gruff from a Yankees team now 4 games back, a Yankees team that most likely will not be visiting playoff land this year, unless God is angry with Trot Nixon and the Red Sox team plane goes down.

*i can correct this to reflect the facts of the matter; but why let facts stand in the way of a good rant?
**or will soon hate
Anna Benson FUN quote of the day:
(Q:were you a stripper?)
A. Yes. After divorcing my ex-husband, I was a single mom who had no education. So, instead of sitting on my fat ass and collecting welfare, I decided to lie in the bed that I had made for myself and do whatever it took to take care of myself and my child. It is not something that I like to brag about, but it is definitely something that I am proud of.

Monday, July 03, 2006

What a lovely little break from the routine of baseball this week was, eh?

"oh no, not in the nuts, AL East, not in the nuts!"

Gosh what a slow week it's been, what with no baseball or nothing. Yep, I don't know why, but the Mets schedule had a big hole in it after the series in Toronto. I'm sure rarin' to go play them Pirates, after a week or so of reading and basic cable. Got my teeth cleaned. Voted 100 million times for the All-Star game. Kinda strange the MLB didn't schedule any games this week for one of the teams in one of the country's largest metropolitan area, but oh well, bring on them Pirates!

Dead-to-me List (Mets who should not show up at my birthday party):
1) Heath "AAAA" Bell. you *&^)?? suck.
2) "Ole" Soler. the Yankees games are important to us, nitwit
3) A. Heilman. get your whiney ass in the rotation for a week, but mess up this time and, pow, right in the bullpen, NEVER to be heard from again
4) Nady. I don't care if your wrist is broken clean off, catch the muthafreakin ball. You are not clutch and clutch is everything and not clutch is...nothing.

Right now, I feel like Rickey Henderson's shirt looks. Speaking of Rickey, does anyone for a minute believe that this is a direct quote?

(Talking about Reyes) "He's got a ton of ability, but I've told him to try not to do too much," said Henderson, who set the record for most career walks (2,190) before Barry Bonds broke it last year. "He's got to become more confident to hit with two strikes and to learn how to simply put the ball in play. He's a free swinger, so sometimes it's tough to accept just putting the ball in play to get on instead of getting a good swing on it. But, if he learns to do that, he'll create more chances to get more steals."

C'mon, that's the most English I've ever heard come out of Rickey Henderson's mouth. More suspicious is that Rickey is talking about someone else, without overt reference to himself, which may be a first.

Rickey continued: "I do declare, if this isn't the loveliest capstone to my career, being able to further this young buck's career by showing him the tricks of the trade, if you will. While I would greatly prefer to find myself on a major league roster, properly remunerated, of course, I must give a hearty shout out to the baseball gods for letting this humble ball player speak with the next generation about the game I love,as well as helping out the team that I love, the, uh, New York, uh (checks hat) Mets."

Fun Anna Benson quote of the Day: "I mean, did these kids’ moms not have breasts?”
This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.