It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Catch the Stash!

David Wright walksoff against Mariano and the Spankmes. Winning a Big Unit vs. Little Unfit pitching match-up? Slappy McA-Rod boots one. And the Spanker$ can't even catch Jose Reyes Knucklehead in a run-down! Lots to love here, besides an inebriated Tom Seaver showing up in the broadcast booth in a tight shirt.

Mood? Happy like Gary Carter in the freakin' shower. But I'll let others deal with the actual game. I have more important things to consider.

Tonight I noticed Kaz Mat returning to the facial hair that made him a star in Japan. Look at the exhuberance, the swagger. What's different? Some say he got contacts and can actually see. I say look no further than his upper lip.

Now the '86ers had the teamwork to make the dream work (and a dash of cocaine), and the 2000 Mets had the "mojo rising." But even strange, basement dwelling dweebs hate the 2006 rally "song." And now I think I know what's gonna bring this team together...

The 'stash. Look what it's done for Jose Valentin. It turns out we were all wrong about Valentin. he went from "tool" to "5-tool" in the space of a few weeks. How'd he do it? How do you think?

before--------------------> after

Keith and Hojo had it. George Foster had it. The 'Stash. nothing says "I mean business" like the 'stash. Can you imagine what the stash could do for...

Jose Lima?*
Xavier Nady? David Wright?

Plenty of teams shave their heads, or don't shave during the playoffs. Why not have the entire Mets team grow a nice fat 'stash, every last one of 'em? Ride the power of the stash, boys.

Exciting. Thrilling. Awesome.

* okay i know he was shitcanned today, but there is a 24 hr grace period on Limatime jokes!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The Duke and the Victim

10 minutes are up.

It looks as though the final chapter in the sad, bizarre story of Victor Zambrano, Metropolitan, has been written. Without disclosing the pain he was in to the Mets, the dumbass went and tore his elbow tendon against the Br*ves, effectively ending his season. Apparently, he was crying and talking about how there was too much pressure put on him by the fans and by the circumstances of his trade to the Mets. Hopefully, he will be able to recover and even pitch again, somewhere where there is less pressure, and in a place where someone can teach him how to pitch. Last night's unbelievable second inning run-off was nothing like I've ever seen. But it was a fittingly strange end to a story that begin with a truly bizzare trade.

Who's to blame? Well you can't really, at the end of the day, blame the Victim. It's not his fault he's not bright enough to be a major league pitcher, and get paid millions to play a kid's game, or safeguard his career from preventable disasters. Should his teammates have told management what they knew? Maybe. But as far as I'm concerned, there is a villain in this story.

A little history reminder...

"Before the Mets obtained him, Zambrano had experienced flexor tendinitis in his right elbow. Although the Devil Rays X-rayed the elbow, they only disclosed the results to Mets' doctors, not allowing them to examine the X-rays. And then on Aug. 19, 2004, three weeks after the trade that brought him to New York, Zambrano was placed on the disabled list with a strained right flexor muscle and he did not pitch again that season."

Trading for this guy to bring him to New York has just got to be one of the dumbest moves in major league history. It gets dumber everyday, and yesterday it got a whole lot dumber. Two words: Damaged goods. Two other words: Mentally Soft. [NOTE: I do not need to mention a certain rising star lefty now toiling away for the D-rays; that is only part of the story]. But at the end of the day, it was inept managment that indirectly caused the (probable) demise of Victor Zambrano's career. And that inept manager's name is Jim Duquette. Who knows to what extent the rest of the organizational chucklehead's, such as the Mullet Man and the Wilpons, played in the travesty, as they have backed away from the decision like cowards. But the guy who pulled the trigger has to be tossing and turning in his bed down in Baltimore tonight. And hopefully this organization is past making moves of historically dumb proportions.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

The Br*ves are T.O.A.S.T.

Mets win, 8-7 in 14 innings.

Whats the mood like around here?

Ever since the MLB moved these bastards into our division, there has been a dark cloud over Shea, as the Beloveds were routinely out-played, out-managed out everythinged by the hated satan-spawn Br*ves organization. Last year, I called for divisional realignment to solve this problem. Well last night, the tide finally turned, and I now feel it is time to boldly state that we have seen the last of this Br*ve dynasty. That's right, although it may be poor timing to say such things on the eve of a Hudson-Zambunny match up, I am here to tell you that I saw Booby Cox in the dugout mutering and frustrated with my own two eyes. He knows it. He can read the wrighting on the wall. He knows his HatedHicks, AtlantaAsses, Chopping Chuckleheads, his Turner Twits, are about to take a back seat to their Metropolitain Masters in the National League East. And maybe for quite a while.

And last night Cox tried all his old tricks. He tried the old trick of throwing some dude last seen pitching in New Zealand or something, and sure, this baffled the Mets for a while, but there is no stopping this train. He tried having his guys hit a homerun off our closer with some Betemit bullshit. Cox probably considered having Bong go in to pitch an inning. It's a game the Br*ves would have won in the past.

Well Booby, your rockin' retard is in Baltimore, babysitting Kris Benson. Your leadoff hitter is sucking in LA. Brian "*&^$+$#?!" Jordan is somehow hitting .310 and it ain't helping. Your centerfielder still can't spell his own name. Your #1 hick says things like this:"I'm really at a loss for words," Chipper Jones said. "I think we're all just kind of sitting here in shock, wondering how this keeps happening night after night." Even Satan himself won't be able to pitch forever.Our wonderboy just beat you in the 14th inning, on a ground rule double after a passed ball allowed our free agent bust to get into scoring position. Who's got the luck now?

Your team is T.O.A.S.T. "Turner's Ol'boys Are Stuck in Third"

I'm sorry Bobby, but you never really won much of anything, and now the ride is over.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

IMFM *&^%$#!?! Slump Edition: I'm a Mets Connoisseur.

Connoisseur. It's hard to spell, but that's what I am, a connoisseur of the game. Crack the Courvoisier and join me for some observations:

Pirates. Third worst team in the league. I looked it up.

Jo No! Jose Valentin (.125) starting to really hear the Boos, replacing Pedro (.071) as a pinch hitter. Is it too early to throw fruit?

Mets handcuffed by another nobody, Snell or something. But they have to beat the bad teams and that they did.

Was that Jose Reyes' first tentative "thank you god" point to heaven after legging out a run-scoring triple on a dangerously wet field?

Kaz Mat laying down a perfect bunt and oh so almost staying upright on his way to first, oh so almost scoring Jose Reyes from third and providing the run that would have held up to win the game. Then the obligatory strike out looking in the 8th with an insurance run at third. Then he insists on getting in front of a playable grounder and boots it. The curse of Shinjo lives on.

HEAD Castro (.407), just too dangerous to pitch to. Well, ok maybe not, but at least he walked twice.

Enjoying some classic Burnitz strikeouts.

Bucs slogan: "We Will. Rise Again."

50+ bags of "Soil Master" used to keep the field dry. That's less than it took for Anna Benson to...Oh no you didn't!

Is Chavez (.314, 4 for 5, nice catch last night) trying to Willy Tavaras Carlos Beltran (.250)?

Berto meets Franco. 3 pitches. Nap. Three more pitches.

Billy Wagner, inheriting the mantle of John Franco? Making it interesting? Blowing the game? Is there a god?

Carlos Delgado--slump proof.

Pedro had to have gone home and kicked his midget tonight, but hey he's still loss-less. Mets don't really deserve it, but go another game up on the Br*ves with Atlanta's loss.

This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.