It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Classic IMFM: Franology

Some combination of indolence, joy, and nostalgia lead me to reprint this post to honor Fran the Fan. As the guys at Faith and Fear in Flushing note in an excellent article, Fran spent a remarkable 22 years with the Mets! This prompts two feelings, one a wistful pity for a guy disposed of so summarilly, and the other indignation...i mean, i know it is the mets, but isn't anybody paying attention? If there is a longer period of uninterrupted ineptitude on the books, I can't think of it off hand. I know for sure that a few of us will feel a little less smugly superior watching games now. That's our Fran, the nicest think you could say about him was that he made everyone around him better. I 'd wish him well on his journey to that big day-game-after-a-night-game in the sky, but i'm not so sure he's going to broadcaster heaven. So as an honor and/or a slight, I re-present this lame post from the early days of the now venerable itsmetsforme blog. Needless to say, "Franology" inspired about as many followers as its object of study did.

So long Fran, and thanks for (being) the punchlines.

Originally posted, 8/26/05

I'm sure Fran is a nice guy and a likeable person in his private life. But professionally, he inspires legions of detractors. Why? That's just the question the science of Franology was developed to answer.

After years of research, our team has discovered that people find Fran annoying because of the things he says. It wouldn't even be fair to pick on him, except for the fact that he keeps talking.

Healy feels that it is a broadcaster's job to fill the air with innane observations. The folks at MSG have asked him to reference Ralph Kiner in every sentence, to keep Kiner from nodding off. This leads to some pretty surreal exchanges. But Fran doesn't need any supporting characters; he is insufferable on his own.

Am I the only one who's ears perk up momentarily when Fran's voice modulates from a cold or something, because I think it's a new broadcaster sent to end Metsfans' misery? Only to come crashing down when I realize, it's just the Heal with a head cold. Of course, when he really has a cold, his voice gets even worse, but he soldiers on, because that virgin airtime needs to be filled with blather, after all.

This post is dedicated to all that is Fran: from his catchphrases "frozen rope" and "day game after a night game" to his obsession with making dogs pay the cover charge at Shea on dog day, I want to study him, so that mankind can stop this great virus from mutating, stop this plague on our ears. So I introduce the Fran Healy Dictionary, open to all who have a phrase and its definition. Please enter in the comments section.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Unfortunately, the Mets Hall of Shame still holds a bigger annual picnic than the club's Hall of Fame. The current hall of fame, according to the Mets MLB site, features such luminaries as Seaver, Kiner, Stengel, Hodges, McGraw and Agee. And then of course, comes any 80s Met with an interesting nickname: Rusty, Mex, the Kid, Mookie. Ok Mookie and Rusty are given names, but you get the point. Pondering John Franco's worthiness, I got to thinking , who are the future members of the Mets HOF? Who should they be? Discarding that interesting, serious question for something more facile and frivilous, I came up with this post.

So when I check out in about 2050 or so, here's who I hope to see up on the Mets official website (or whatever collective hallucination replaces the internet) as dudes with retired numbers or retired barcodes as the case may be. (Cue dreamy flashforward music.)

Class of:

2007: John Franco. C'mon, the guy was Mr. freakin' Met until he stayed a bit too long. Being really really scared in the 9th inning IS a form of entertainment after all. And, he signed a ball for me once.

2013: Pedro Martinez. After a promising 2005 season as the newest member of Omar Minaya's Mets and a 2006 world championship with his new team, Martinez decided to undergo a risky elective surgery. Using nanotechnology, doctors reinforce Pedro's shoulder using a shoulder donation from Pedro's close midget friend who was killed in a tragic drinking accident. Thus structurally reinforced, Pedro goes on to win 6 consecutive Cy Young Awards, shattering each of Rodger Clemens steroids-aided records though he is continually late to spring training.

2015: Albert Pujols. Traded to the Mets midseason 2007 for Carlos Delgado and prospect Lastings Milledge, Pujols overcame some embarassing publicity surrounding his affair with Cardinals' Chairman of the Board William O. DeWitt, Jr.'s wife June and the subsequent accidental drowning death of their beloved dog, Redbird, to lead the Mets in all offensive categories for the remainder of his career.

2025: David Wright: Having led the Mets to 5 consecutive WS championships with the help of fellow HOF'ers Reyes and Beltran, and Pujols, Wright says all the right things in a beautiful HOF speech that incidentally mentions his favorite website/corporation/international power,"Itsmetsforme/starbucks/GAP/bestbuy/walmart/UmaThurman/microsoft/ "

2026: Jose Reyes, Scott Kazmir, and Carlos Beltran. Because a guy can dream, can't he?

2050: Le Shawnian Zanzibar: The genetic offspring of Willy Mays, John Olerud, Dwight Gooden, Scott Kazmir, and a 7 foot tall rabit created in the South Korean laboratories of Sterling Enterprises in the year 2008 finally retires after a 40 year career in which he hits .736 with no strikeouts, and compiles a 1023-6 record as a starting pitcher.

This post brought to you by the C.O.M.P.U.T.M.E.H.O.F.P.O.B.S.D.G.I (Committee to Put Mex in the MLB Hall of Fame Pronto Or Bud Selig's Dog Gets It)

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Hotstove! Recap: METZ for KIDZ!

I've noticed that the average Metsfan posting on the internet lately is a younger, less-seasoned sort, full of energy and enthusiasm, armed with memories of Mets history from 2000-2005. To appeal to this new generation, this all-important demographic--that's the challenge of every casual blogger. Connecting to this part of the fanbase is my passion, and so for them, I present the Mets Off-season in pictures. OR older fans can use it to teach their kids the basics of hotstove planning.

If can step out of 's shadow, and can avoid becoming another

, or or, for that matter, another , the Mets will be okay offensively. Of

course, he'll have to put behind him, but it's hard to believe he'll have another

subpar season with the new 1st baseman in the line up batting behind him. I suppose, if they

end up having to keep , who thus far, has yet to live up to the lofty standards set by

, I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing. Anyhow, winning Mets teams of the new

millenium have always had at least one Franco. Speaking of the bench, this year we can look

forward to another solid season from , and 1st base back-up and some maturity and

key hits from . Off the field, we have to say a sad good- bye to and his

. And, if can keep his trap shut, it will be nice, quiet, and peaceful in

the Metropolitan universe. If all the off-season plans turn out well, then maybe, just maybe,

and his ho-ho-ho will come early for our beloved Mets and we can all rejoice

in a trip to the World Series.
This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.